Newbie needs feedback on BDSM story...

[HunterRadburn]

Hello all,

I am not only new to this site, but to the art of writing erotica as well. I've used what turns me on as my guide to my writing, but feedback would be good to give me ways to hone this craft that I'm becoming very interested in...

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=498221

Wet reading...

Hunter

 

[OnnaDare]

Hello Hunter!
As a fellow newb myself, I thought I'd give you a read and some feedback! Your story is well-written and fast-paced, and even though it's not exactly my "cup of tea," I enjoyed it.

On a side note - this is exactly why I never use rest stops, only gas station bathrooms, lol!

Cheers!

 

[PacoFear]

Not a bad little vignette. You did a decent job setting an eerie scene.

I'm a dabbler when it comes to BDsM stories so don't take what I'm about to say as any sort of gospel. It could use a bit more description of the main character's emotions. It's a present tense, first person POV horror/BDsM story so what the main character is thinking/feeling about what is going on is just as important (if not more important) to the reader than what's happening to her. We're experiencing this event vicariously through her. She's hijacked into another dimension and molested; there'd be terror and a whole hell of a lot of "why me" going on wouldn't there? Instead, we get a relatively detached third person POV-type description of what happens.

A bit of dialogue would have been nice, mostly because It struck me as strange that the whole interaction plays out without anyone saying a word. Yes, yes, she was gagged but there was room for a gasped exchange. From her, a "what the hell are you doing?" and a "please god, let me go!"? From him, a creepy "quiet, pet"?

Just my $0.02, do as you will. Good luck in the contest!

-PF