Newbie here....Need help/advice

outrabutterfly

Really Experienced
Joined
Sep 23, 2003
Posts
195
Hi everyone! I'm pretty new to the boards here (but have posted a few stories and been a lurker for years) and I'm having a bit of a problem with my husband.

I'm a very submissive person when it comes to sex and enjoy being dominated, tied up, etc and my husband is all for it while we play. The problem is he expects me to reciprocate, but being so submissive I can't do it. I've tried, but it feels so unnatural to me...I've tried to explain to him how I feel and how it feels when I try to be dominate, but he doesn't seem to understand...

Can anyone give me any advice or anything!!

Thanks so much!

~*Outra*~
 
At the risk of getting flamed for what I'm about to say...

Dominating another is not easy. For someone with a submissive nature, it is really really not easy. However, if you Love your partner, and they have a want and need for a reciprocal arrangement, then IMO, it would be rather selfish to beg off, simply because it "feels unnatural". If the positions were reversed, how would you feel?

My advice is that if you Love him, and he has a need for a reciprocal BDSM relationship, figure out how to get comfortable with switching. Communicate communicate communicate. Not from a "this makes me feel uncomfortable" place, but from a place of wanting to know why he needs this, what he expects, what are his fantasies regarding submission, how does he want to serve you, etc. A very non-threatening place to start research, would be purchasing The Sexually Dominant Woman: A Workbook For Nervous Beginners by Lady Green.
 
outrabutterfly said:
Hi everyone! I'm pretty new to the boards here (but have posted a few stories and been a lurker for years) and I'm having a bit of a problem with my husband.

I'm a very submissive person when it comes to sex and enjoy being dominated, tied up, etc and my husband is all for it while we play. The problem is he expects me to reciprocate, but being so submissive I can't do it. I've tried, but it feels so unnatural to me...I've tried to explain to him how I feel and how it feels when I try to be dominate, but he doesn't seem to understand...

Can anyone give me any advice or anything!!

Thanks so much!

~*Outra*~

Communication is about the only thing that will work. It is going to have to be calm, outside of the bedroom/playtime talking where you both have your say. You need to be able to express to him how you feel and he needs to express his needs to you.

Now, I totally understand the unnatural feeling you express and that won't go away no matter what you do if you truly are "very submissive", at least it never has for me and I've tried. So you may end up faced with a choice of not having what you need from him, since you can't give him what he needs or wants from you.

I do not advocate forcing yourself to switch however, unless you decide that you can handle it. The reason I say this is you will not be happy with yourself or with him and it will cause more problems than it solves.

Just my opinions, take them for what they're worth.
 
If it helps, you can think of this as an extension of your service to him as a submissive. You are happiest when pleasing him and he has told you that this is a way in which he would sometimes like to be pleasured. If you focus on his enjoyment of what you do (if you decide to give it a whirl) that may make the act of controlling him or even hurting him, more palatable. If that makes sense.

I'll beat the communication drum again though. Talk everything through and be clear on what he wants and what you're prepared to try on for size. Start small: -

"WASH THE DAMN DISHES, BITCH! NAKED!" Make it work to your advantage :D
 
VelvetDarkness said:
Start small: -

"WASH THE DAMN DISHES, BITCH! NAKED!" Make it work to your advantage :D

*laughing*

See I was thinking make it work to your advantage, but more along the lines of...

binding his hands behind his back, setting a timer, and he has until the timer goes off to bring you to climax "X" nuber of times (through your panties- we don't want to make it *too* easy for him); if he's a good boy, he gets to enjoy a climax, in whatever way you choose (sex, oral, masturbation, etc). If you notice he seems to enjoy the pressure of having a time limit placed upon him, file that information away for future adventures.

Being on the opposite side of the power coin can be quite lovely (nervewracking, but lovely), one just has to figure out how to enjoy the experience. ;)
 
CutieMouse said:
*laughing*
See I was thinking make it work to your advantage, but more along the lines of...

binding his hands behind his back, setting a timer, and he has until the timer goes off to bring you to climax "X" nuber of times (through your panties- we don't want to make it *too* easy for him); if he's a good boy, he gets to enjoy a climax, in whatever way you choose (sex, oral, masturbation, etc).


oooh! i like this idea. note to self: if the time comes when i get to play domme, try this out

my Sir has mentioned a few times that he wanted to experience what i was feeling when i submitted. the thought of dominating a man as opposed to being dominated by a man definitly does not do it for me. when we talked about it, i told him that as long as he had a way to flip things back around so i was submissive again (like a safword but for a diffrent purpose), then i didnt feel so adverse to it. as long as we both knew that he was my Sir and i was his submissive, no matter which side of the whip i was on.

even with all this talk about it.. dominating someone still feels unnatural to me, and probably always will. at least this way its tolerable.
 
Topping goes against my instinctive nature. I find it awkward and far more difficult than submitting. I still don't think I'm very good at it, and the only way I can imagine getting good at it, would be through practice, which isn't an option at the moment... although I do pull a "Domme personna" out when I have to deal with idiots, a lot more than I used to. Hmm...

Anyway- Topping isn't easy for me, and I'm not comfortable with it, but I dipped my toe in the Domme pool just long enough, to know I'm not sure I'd want a black/white relationship in the future. It took me a long time (too long, actually) to even think of opening the door to that room in my head, but I'm glad I did.
 
thanks for the replies...i will def give all your advice a try...and keep you posted on the progress...

thanks again! :p
 
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