Newbie Domm looking for advice.

s_red830

Really Experienced
Joined
Jul 10, 2006
Posts
174
I've recently become interested in the whole D/s relationship thang... and I was wondering about a few things.

I've been talking to this girl online who says she'd really like a Master/Mistress. I'm kind of a mix of both, but that's beside the point.

Now, I've been told I'm a sweetheart, and I like to spoil my girl. Since I'm new to this, I'm wondering... does that contradict the whole D/s dynamic? I really don't want to turn her off, but that's part of my personality. I'd also love to do to her some things that Dom/mes do... like punish her, make her mine, sexually torture her, etc. She's agreed that she likes all of this. I also sent her one of those checklists that the bdsm librarian so helpfully posted on this site.

I understand the Safe, Sane, Consensual mantra of bdsm folk and want to honor this as best I can. I really want to be the best Domm I can, and I believe that most of the real power is in the sub's hands (i.e. the power to say "no").

So what my question is, is where do I fit into the bdsm continuum? I understand that Dom/mes come in all different shapes and sizes, so to speak, and that my own brand of domination (provided it comes with the proper responsibility) is a perfectly fine brand of domination. But... will I have a hard time finding girls who are as turned on by my softness as my hardness? I know they're out there, but I don't know how common they are.

Really, any well thought-out advice would be a great help.

Thanks.

~Red.
 
Soft and Hard, both are excellent, and in my opinion, essential qualities in a Dom/me. Not all may agree, some may be turned off by softness and such, but, well, that's them, continue to be yourself.

As for how common girls who like that style are, I have little idea, I'm afraid, probably quite.
 
Acoradra said:
As for how common girls who like that style are, I have little idea, I'm afraid, probably quite.

So girls like the soft/hard style?
 
I don't know about anyone else, but I prefer Romance with my kink... if you don't win my heart, you don't win any other part of me.

A BDSM relationship is still a *relationship* with all the interesting little quirks each couple bring to the table; good communication, and knowing what you want/expect and *need* to be happy in the relationship, will go a long way.
 
CutieMouse said:
I don't know about anyone else, but I prefer Romance with my kink... if you don't win my heart, you don't win any other part of me.

A BDSM relationship is still a *relationship* with all the interesting little quirks each couple bring to the table; good communication, and knowing what you want/expect and *need* to be happy in the relationship, will go a long way.

Yup, us too. I dont think its required for all, but it is for me.
 
Welcome to the forum, s_red830 :)
It's refreshing to have someone new arrive and actually read stuff before posting their question, even if it doesn't allow us to post the usual first message to newbies, saying 'there's a library, go have a look'. ;)

I believe the style of dominance you're referring to (soft and hard) is often described as 'Daddy Dom'. Not sure, if there's the 'Mommy Domme' out there. But it's fairly common that submissive women look for a 'Daddy'.
It doesn't really matter what it's called though, that was just to give you some idea what to look for when wading through personal ads.

If the girl you have been talking about likes this combination, so much the better for you.

Good luck and have fun!
 
I love the way you've used "Domm" for yourself. I may have to adopt that. My dominant is my Daddy; I don't usually put anything after that, but e is also of indeterminate gender. I really like "Domm." :)
 
hello :)

Hello and welcome to the boards! :)

I think it's great you are delving into the world of d/s. I personally don't think the fact that you are a sweetheart, or gentleman, contradicts the Domm image. Of course, there will be girls who are not into it, but many will.

I could never give myself to someone that did not take my heart first. I feel that submission can only be done out of love (and I could only love someone that loves, protects, cherishes, and cares for me, and those same feelings are in myself for Him)

There are also ways to exercise control over a submissive without being cruel. But I have found in my experiences that it definiately takes more work to exercise that control over someone without being out right cruel about it. Hell, a dog would cower and respect you if you beat it up enough .. but that respect is out of fear not love .. and the two of course are completely different.

I feel your path with ultimately lead to her submission to you through love .. which I feel is so much stronger :)

Good luck with everything!

Fallyn :heart:
 
Etoile said:
I love the way you've used "Domm" for yourself. I may have to adopt that. My dominant is my Daddy; I don't usually put anything after that, but e is also of indeterminate gender. I really like "Domm." :)
Thank you :) I was a creative burst of inspiration... comes from hanging around a lot of butch-femme.com. :-D
 
chris9 said:
Welcome to the forum, s_red830 :)
It's refreshing to have someone new arrive and actually read stuff before posting their question, even if it doesn't allow us to post the usual first message to newbies, saying 'there's a library, go have a look'. ;)

I believe the style of dominance you're referring to (soft and hard) is often described as 'Daddy Dom'. Not sure, if there's the 'Mommy Domme' out there. But it's fairly common that submissive women look for a 'Daddy'.
It doesn't really matter what it's called though, that was just to give you some idea what to look for when wading through personal ads.

If the girl you have been talking about likes this combination, so much the better for you.

Good luck and have fun!
lolol. I try my hardest to be informed... when talking about activities that mainstream society considers "subversive," it's always a good idea...

And thanks for the suggestion about personal ads... that helped a lot. I've actually been thinking about that a little bit... in the butch-femme world of lesbian culture, some butches (although they don't consider themselves male) consider themselves Daddies. So there's a whole lot of genderplay and intermediate ideas floating around here, which I like.

Thanks for the response!
 
satin_coals said:
Hello and welcome to the boards! :)

I think it's great you are delving into the world of d/s. I personally don't think the fact that you are a sweetheart, or gentleman, contradicts the Domm image. Of course, there will be girls who are not into it, but many will.

I could never give myself to someone that did not take my heart first. I feel that submission can only be done out of love (and I could only love someone that loves, protects, cherishes, and cares for me, and those same feelings are in myself for Him)

There are also ways to exercise control over a submissive without being cruel. But I have found in my experiences that it definiately takes more work to exercise that control over someone without being out right cruel about it. Hell, a dog would cower and respect you if you beat it up enough .. but that respect is out of fear not love .. and the two of course are completely different.

I feel your path with ultimately lead to her submission to you through love .. which I feel is so much stronger :)

Good luck with everything!

Fallyn :heart:
Thank you for the reply. :) It makes me happy to see that this form of relationship is not seen as "less than" or "not Domm enough."

~Red.
(Love is a many-splendored thing)
 
s_red830 said:
Thank you :) I was a creative burst of inspiration... comes from hanging around a lot of butch-femme.com. :-D
Very cool! I used to hang out there from time to time, and I have a couple of friends who still do. I'm really into the butch-femme dynamic myself, and genderplay is a big thing for me. (I'm actually totally femme myself, but I have several butch, trans, and genderfucker friends.) I think you and I could be friends, it's so nice to have somebody here who gets what genderqueer is all about!
 
s_red830 said:
I understand the Safe, Sane, Consensual mantra of bdsm folk and want to honor this as best I can. I really want to be the best Domm I can, and I believe that most of the real power is in the sub's hands (i.e. the power to say "no").

So what my question is, is where do I fit into the bdsm continuum? I understand that Dom/mes come in all different shapes and sizes, so to speak, and that my own brand of domination (provided it comes with the proper responsibility) is a perfectly fine brand of domination. But... will I have a hard time finding girls who are as turned on by my softness as my hardness? I know they're out there, but I don't know how common they are.

Really, any well thought-out advice would be a great help.

Thanks.

~Red.

I think you're more than halfway there. You have a clear sense of responsibility as a Domm, a big heart looking for love and the modesty and intelligence to want to learn all you can.

Everything else is just matching up personalities and tastes, as with any relationship. With your considered, realistic, romantic approach I can't see you going too far wrong.

*swoons* :cathappy:

All the best with everything

Velvet :kiss:
 
Etoile said:
Very cool! I used to hang out there from time to time, and I have a couple of friends who still do. I'm really into the butch-femme dynamic myself, and genderplay is a big thing for me. (I'm actually totally femme myself, but I have several butch, trans, and genderfucker friends.) I think you and I could be friends, it's so nice to have somebody here who gets what genderqueer is all about!
*Starts to do the little Genderfuck Dance*

Femmes are so awesome. *gives you a high-five for being a femme* (Definitely friends. Unless I'm too out there, of course. ;))

~Red.
Note: Genderfuck Dance is subject to unexpected swoops and turns, and various incomprhensible interpretations of the music.
 
Ahhh, oops, derailed my own thread.

VelvetDarkness said:
I think you're more than halfway there. You have a clear sense of responsibility as a Domm, a big heart looking for love and the modesty and intelligence to want to learn all you can.

Everything else is just matching up personalities and tastes, as with any relationship. With your considered, realistic, romantic approach I can't see you going too far wrong.

*swoons* :cathappy:

All the best with everything

Velvet :kiss:
Oooh, thank you, mi amor. ;) I try.

~Red.
p.s.... where do you find all the smilies? Do you just have to know them?
 
s_red830 said:
p.s.... where do you find all the smilies? Do you just have to know them?
You can see them all right here! :)

s_red830 said:
(Definitely friends. Unless I'm too out there, of course. ;) )
It's not likely that you're too out there...all my best friends are crazy! :D
 
Romance?

Hello no.

Romance is a fantasy in my book. I prefer the reality of friendship. Romance can cloud the D/s waters.

My relationships must be bound within a D/s framework. D/s is always primary. Not a Barbara Cartlandish moon, June, spoon fantasy.

YMMV.
 
Etoile beat me with the smiley link (just as well as my links are a little hit and miss)

Would love to learn the Genderfuck Dance though

What's the music behind it I wonder?

I'll do the nana dance in return, add a smiley to your list :nana:

Velvet :kiss:
 
Ebonyfire said:
I think that romance novels have a lot to answer for. Women think that love is always the answer, yet they forget to love themselves first.

I agree with you.

Thank goodness you don't have to love yourself to be loved or I'd be outta luck.

A big part of the problem brought about by romance novels and media is the, "If he loves me he will know what I want/need thing." That doesn't work out well. It helps to know yourself enough to know what you like.

Fury :rose:
 
FurryFury said:
I agree with you.

Thank goodness you don't have to love yourself to be loved or I'd be outta luck.

A big part of the problem brought about by romance novels and media is the, "If he loves me he will know what I want/need thing." That doesn't work out well. It helps to know yourself enough to know what you like.

Fury :rose:

Yep. And that is the problem. Women are taught not to be "selfish" and to put other's needs before our own.

So the self-examination necessary to know you own needs and/or mind can come late in life.
 
Ebonyfire said:
Yep. And that is the problem. Women are taught not to be "selfish" and to put other's needs before our own.

So the self-examination necessary to know you own needs and/or mind can come late in life.

I agree with you on both counts. I have found this true for me!

Fury :rose:
 
Back
Top