destinie21
Daddy's Brat
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- May 27, 2003
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Destine, Reunited Chapter 1, is a very good story. It was very easy to get into and had me hooked from the outset. You did the flashback very well, it gave a lot of the back story, and explained thier relationship, while still driving the plot forward.
I did notice a few little mistakes here and there, but nothing big. If you don't mind I've highlighted them below, in red. Please take any of this advice with a pinch of salt, it is just my personal opinion.
Corrin seemed to be enjoying my hair, (W)hen I'd known her I'd been a tomboy.
"Since when is (was) she your precious baby? You never gave a damn when she was coming to my house at Christmas for God's sake. When was the last time you called her? Or wrote? Or did anything but send her a Goddamn allowance?"
"How dare you?"
"No, how dare you?" I shot back."
I noticed this in almost every piece of dialogue, you haven't ended the speech with punctuation. There should always be a full stop, a comma, a question mark, or even an exclamation mark at the end of each piece of dialogue. Here's another example from earlier on in the story: "Only for you," I said, finally speaking. There should be a comma after you. Personally, I'd also add the comma after said this puts more emphasis on the fact that she was finally speaking.
She looked in my eyes and said, "Thanks." Likewise, there should be a comma after said, and this rule should be followed everytime you lead into dialogue.
She pulled me closer her hands tangled in my hair and her thighs straddling <---(This should be here.) my left leg.
My left leg, I tried to keep my lips firmly pressed together but her tongue played over my lips and I opened to her.
You seem to have run the last sentence of the previous paragraph into the first of the next.
My dress was longer than hers, (was) so her pussy was moving against the satin of my gown, while her dress was hiked up giving me access to her firm muscular thigh.
You don't need the word 'was' in there, instead I think a comma makes the sentence flow better. There are quite a few other instances in the story where I would've added commas or semi colons. Some of the sentences seem a bit overly long, they need breaking up here and there. Also there are full stops (periods) missing at the end of some sentences. I won't go through and point out everything, you've probably got the gist of what I'm saying and I don't want to go on.
Overall it was a very good story, grammatically good, just the punctuation needs work, in my view.
Thanks for a great read,
Loulou
I did notice a few little mistakes here and there, but nothing big. If you don't mind I've highlighted them below, in red. Please take any of this advice with a pinch of salt, it is just my personal opinion.
Corrin seemed to be enjoying my hair, (W)hen I'd known her I'd been a tomboy.
"Since when is (was) she your precious baby? You never gave a damn when she was coming to my house at Christmas for God's sake. When was the last time you called her? Or wrote? Or did anything but send her a Goddamn allowance?"
"How dare you?"
"No, how dare you?" I shot back."
I noticed this in almost every piece of dialogue, you haven't ended the speech with punctuation. There should always be a full stop, a comma, a question mark, or even an exclamation mark at the end of each piece of dialogue. Here's another example from earlier on in the story: "Only for you," I said, finally speaking. There should be a comma after you. Personally, I'd also add the comma after said this puts more emphasis on the fact that she was finally speaking.
She looked in my eyes and said, "Thanks." Likewise, there should be a comma after said, and this rule should be followed everytime you lead into dialogue.
She pulled me closer her hands tangled in my hair and her thighs straddling <---(This should be here.) my left leg.
My left leg, I tried to keep my lips firmly pressed together but her tongue played over my lips and I opened to her.
You seem to have run the last sentence of the previous paragraph into the first of the next.
My dress was longer than hers, (was) so her pussy was moving against the satin of my gown, while her dress was hiked up giving me access to her firm muscular thigh.
You don't need the word 'was' in there, instead I think a comma makes the sentence flow better. There are quite a few other instances in the story where I would've added commas or semi colons. Some of the sentences seem a bit overly long, they need breaking up here and there. Also there are full stops (periods) missing at the end of some sentences. I won't go through and point out everything, you've probably got the gist of what I'm saying and I don't want to go on.
Overall it was a very good story, grammatically good, just the punctuation needs work, in my view.
Thanks for a great read,
Loulou
OldnotDead
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jul 22, 2002
- Posts
- 498
A good read, indeed.
Hey, D21,
or should I say MRS. d21?
I sent you personal feedback after reading it and it was no where near as detailed as Lou's insight above. I echo her comments about your ability to move the story through multiple time settings without detraction. Very admirable.
Please take the time to put an advertisement on Dr. M's thread
https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=181349
Take the time, as he suggests to give a little taste of the story.
Looking forward to Ch. 2
OnD
Hey, D21,
or should I say MRS. d21?
I sent you personal feedback after reading it and it was no where near as detailed as Lou's insight above. I echo her comments about your ability to move the story through multiple time settings without detraction. Very admirable.
Please take the time to put an advertisement on Dr. M's thread
https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=181349
Take the time, as he suggests to give a little taste of the story.
Looking forward to Ch. 2
OnD
