New Writer

[LunaDragonStar]

Hi, I am new to writing this kind of stuff. I have written a couple of small stories. They aren't doing very well. (I am by no means professional) I started writing for my husband, and he liked them and suggested I put them out there for others to read.

Can objective writers give me some useful feedback as to how I can make them better.

I got 2 e-mails, one said it wasn't worth the time to read it and the other said it was great. But nothing I can use to get my stories better.

Thanks

 

[macdanife2000]

Hi Luna

Could you post the link to the stories please.

Thanks

 

[KillerMuffin]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=101039

The reason someone told you that they weren't worth the time is that they're too short for the amount of activity you've got going on in there. Without getting into it deeply (I'm backed up with that sort of thing) you need more details. Slow down when you write it and don't write it to your husband, write it to some unknown person out there that you're trying to seduce. That'll help you slow down and stick in the titillating details that the readers need to get themselves off.

 

[LunaDragonStar]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=43717
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=43894

Sorry

 

[Impetus]

Blindfolded Fantasy feedback:

Well the sex itself was pretty hot, which is half the battle right there. If I were writing it (of note, I'm not ) I would have elaborated some more, working on, say, creating bigger 'scenes' out of the sexual events. Creating mental images of what the girl can see and what she cannot so that we are more in tune with what she is experiencing.

My second suggestion is just personal preference. The 'just sex' story type is it's own kind of arousing and fun. It's short, sweet, and to the point. I, however, usually try to add some 'story' to my writing. Try developing a character or two or setting up a scene more explicitly. Once you have those, you can tie sexual events to the personalities of the characters to give them a more potent kick. Not the easiest thing to do, but It's the way I like to write.

I liked the story, it was arousing and fun to read, which is really the point anyway. Good story

-I

 

[Impetus]

The trip feedback

A few specifics first:

The Gathering. I have no idea what it is, and for the purposes of the story I feel that I should. You might want to explain more about it.

This sentence:

With all the attention that I have been given over the last couple hours it doesn't take long to push me over the edge.

Caught me off guard, because not 10 lines earlier the girl was just getting her shirt removed. Hours? I think you meant attention since you met the three girls, but in this context it sounds like sexual attention, like they have been teasing the main character for hours. Time wavered a bit for me there.

I think your writing style could use some work. I saw this in the other story too, but I'll adress it, to the best of my ability, here. Your writing seems 'wooden' or stiff. Sentences and events don't flow easily from one to another, and occasional technical errors only make the problem worse. I wouldn't be able to tell you how to fix or improve this problem, but I'll see if I can nail down some specific examples and hopefully you can go from there.

You write:
We are just starting to enter the center and start walking around seeing everything we can. The girls are kind of following us around but it looks like they are trying to be discreet about it. We can tell though, that they are purposely staying close. I look over at them on occasion and give them a smile. I notice that they are whispering to each other and giggling. They wave on occasion. We go to the concerts and they are right behind us during all of them. At the last concert of the evening, they are all around me, jumping around and rubbing all over me.

My attempt at smoothing:

We are just starting to enter the center, walking around and seeing everything we can. The girls are following us around, but it loos like they are trying to be discreet about it. They are, however, purposely staying close, we can tell. Occasinally, I looke over to them and give them a smile. They whisper and giggle in response, waving at us occasionally.

We move on to the concerts and, sure enough, our friends are right behind use during all of them. By the last concert of the evening, they are all around me, jumping about and rubbing themselves all over me.

Hopefully that will give you a little help in the future. Good story, top-notch sex again. *I* enjoyed reading it a lot.

-I

 

[LunaDragonStar]

Thank you very much, that is exactly what I am looking for. I obviously did not get straight A's in English and Writing classes.

But this should at least give me a good start for my next story.

Thanks

Luna