New writer

[His Sex Kitten]

I'm new to Lit and have just posted my first 2 stories, one already available and one pending.

Please feel free to post your comments or suggestions. Not sure if I should continue or perhaps just call it and save face LOL

~~luv & hugs~~

 

[NoJo]

Here.

 

[the_bragis]

Feedback

Thanks for the link joe. Me me two? ~giggling~ You just couldn't help yourself coud you?


Hi there kitten,

Congrats on posting your first two stories. Isn't it so exciting?

I chose to read... the first one.

There's no question in my mind, your story is good, but it could do with just a little 'tidying up'.

This is what I noted as I read:

A few comas missing, and a few extra long sentences too. The first sentence of the third paragraph is certainly one. Try saying all that without taking a breath? That's a little test I give my own work.

You tend to include exra words. Again it's not a big deal, but it clutters up a good story that could be a great story. These are a couple of examples:

Stretched out (in the tub), I could feel the jets coming from all directions and hitting different parts of my body, making (my whole body begin to) relax.

You can drop "the tub' because it's already mention earlier in the paragraph, and again 'body' is used twice, making me relax., would be a smoother read.

Knowing my backyard was completely fenced in I decided to enjoy (the hot tub) just a little more. Placing my glass on the edge (of the tub), ..

Again 'of the tub' is superfluous. Also, you know your backyard is fenced, and you telling the reader. I would have liked something like: My backyard is completley fenced, ... 'Hot tub' and 'body' were two words I think that got repeated too much.

You see I’m a very shy and quiet person and don’t get out much so I never expect anyone important to call me but I check in the hopes that maybe someday that “special” person will call. My family keeps telling me that I’m a beautiful girl and should be out meeting people and maybe finding Mr. Right.

I felt you could have dropped the 'You see', but really you could have dropped it all. It's just not necessary to the story in my opinion, and it doesn't quite make sense to me either. You mean you are waiting for Mr Right to just phone you up ... just like that? Na... that only happens in fairytales.

So curious now I had to ask what brought him to my house.

This can go too. The dialog that follows is sufficient.

You painted yourself as a very shy and reserved woman to begin with, then you invited the guy next door in for a rub-a-dub-dub in your tub. Would this really happen? Well anythings possible I guess, but it may have worked better with a little coercing or convincing perhaps. I just don't think a shy little flower soaking naked would giggle and say, 'sorry but I'm not dressed for the occassion', when the guy next door, who she hardly knows, turns up unexpectedly. I think at any rate she would be a little nervous and unsure.

Ok, so I know it's just a story, a fantasy, but readers enjoy 'realism', so you need to be mindful of that.

Try reading your story out aloud. I was given that advice some time back, and you know it really works. You will pick up all kinds of funny little hiccups. Just little things, but they make a big difference.

Ok that's enough slicing and dicing. This is a great concept for a story. The things I did pick up on don't really detract from what is basically a good read. Your desciptions are good. The over feel is good. All round it's a steamy little read, no pun intended.

I hope this helps you. I wish you well with your future efforts.

Have a great day,

Alex.

Stories by me and B

 

[His Sex Kitten]

Thanks Alex that is exactly what I was looking for. We may not always like the criticism but it's what, I hope, makes us better