New writer, would love to hear some feedback

[Violet_Pyre]

Hi, I posted my first story to the site this week. It's only very short but I enjoyed writing it and I've now started to work on a longer story. I haven't written creatively for around 15 years, as my work is in a very science-heavy field, and I've always felt I'm not much good at creative writing! As such I'm not a very confident writer, and I'd be really grateful for any feedback or suggestions on how I could improve. I'm not too confident in my grammar either so I'll try to brush up on that . As this story is so short there's not much for you to go on, but I'd really appreciate any feedback anybody wants to give .

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-kiss-73

 

[Nouh_Bdee]

There are much more experienced writers here who will give you better feedback, I’m sure.

I liked it! It was a nice little snapshot of a moment.
The only critique I could come up with is that I would try for more variation in sentence length. Maybe break some of your longer sentences into two or three. That didn’t impact my enjoyment of the story at all, though.

 

[AlinaX]

My first thought: 38 words too long... (Lit's limit is 750 words; we've had some fun writing to that limit.)
My second... Having complained about the length being long (okay, it really isn't) I found it strangely short, in that I've written shorter pieces that felt longer. But I think it's about paragraph length. To have long paragraphs in a short story makes it seem shorter than it is.
My third: You write well. Keep going!

 

[RandyD1369]

It's a good scene, though it may not quite be a "story." If it was 29 words shorter, it wouldn't have qualified to be published here (there's a 750 word minimum at Lit, remember).

I agree some of the sentences should've been broken into two. I really did like the occasional alliteration, like "tangling tongues."

I'll watch for your next "longer" effort. Good start. Good luck.

 

[Thefireflies]

I enjoyed your story of two people in a loving relationship doing what people in loving relationships do. Two people who wish they could stay in bed a bit longer with one another, but having other things needing their time and attention…very relatable.

I must say, writing fiction is the perfect antidote for technical writing, and though their styles are worlds apart, I think writing both styles will enhance your overall writing abilities. I quite like your style too, and when I do read here on Lit I personally focus on story and am generally forgiving of mistakes where many other readers aren’t.

Not that you had any other than perhaps not using a comma after speach, directly before the closing quotation mark. I suppose if I were to try to suggest any improvement, it would be that you might consider removing unnecessary words, the ones that can be discarded without changing the meaning of the sentence.

For example, in your third paragraph, when she climaxes, Her orgasm suddenly hit her, crashing over her like a tidal wave, could maybe be minimised to, Her orgasm suddenly hit, crashing over like a tidal wave. Remove the additional ‘her’ pronouns because we know it’s her who’s in the throes of pleasure.

I’m no expert on these things, but this is what I look for when editing my own ramblings. Others will likely give better advice. Keep writing though, it can be addictive!

 

[TheWorldBuilder]

You already have the literary skills, the aspects you need to focus on are: environment, character development, motivation, description and story arc.

Keep writing about the things you experience and enjoy, perhaps try some ORP or SRP with a compatible author - to help with plot and pacing if you try longer works.

Plausibility is important, but there are genres and LitSpaces where suspension of disbelief is not only permissible - it's actively encouraged.

Experiment!

 

[Bud_Spencer]

Hi, I posted my first story to the site this week. It's only very short but I enjoyed writing it and I've now started to work on a longer story. I haven't written creatively for around 15 years, as my work is in a very science-heavy field, and I've always felt I'm not much good at creative writing! As such I'm not a very confident writer, and I'd be really grateful for any feedback or suggestions on how I could improve. I'm not too confident in my grammar either so I'll try to brush up on that . As this story is so short there's not much for you to go on, but I'd really appreciate any feedback anybody wants to give .

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-kiss-73

That's a very good start, Violet. I, too, do a lot of tech writing, and it's easy to slip into the detached, hard-edged language of things as opposed to the softer terms that are more human and timeless.

Keep at it, and try reading good literature - not just erotic stories - to get a flare for language. "Madame Bovary" is a great one to explore penetrating and descriptive language.

 

[Violet_Pyre]

Thank you all so much for all of the great feedback! I'm hopeful that I'll be able to improve on the grammatical aspects of my writing that you've mentioned, like paragraph length and sentence length, and work out how those things can change the flow of the story. I know that story was so short that there wasn't very much to critique, hopefully people will be open to provide feedback on my next story where I'll hopefully show a bit more character development and story arc.

Thanks again all

 

[ElectricBlue]

It's a scene, not a story, but you know that. You can write, and you know that too. Now what you need to do is take the tech out of the writing and put in the emotion. It's an intimate scene by its nature, but it's almost too structured, mechanical.

Break it up, make it flow, make your characters come alive. Give them feelings along with their actions, get inside their (your) head. Write what you feel, not what you do. See what I'm doing here? Writing yourself, your soul, your loves, your fears, is a good place to start with erotica. Make it intimate, give the reader a reason to come back to Violet.

A couple of minor technical things:

Break up long paragraphs, give readers more 'white space'. Somebody's already mentioned sentence lengths - yes, vary them.

Dialogue: new paragraph for each speaker.

Dialogue punctuation 'I want to be fucked hard, and I want to fuck you back hard,' she replied, a burning intensity... (comma at the end of the spoken sentence, before the speech tag.)

Someone will moan that you use English English, using ' not " as your dialogue markers. Ignore them - if you're not American you're not American, and that's all there is to say on that matter.

These are minor things, easy to remember. Now go off and tell us a story, show us why we should care about these people.

You'll be fine .

 

[AlinaX]

Someone will moan that you use English English, using ' not " as your dialogue markers. Ignore them - if you're not American you're not American, and that's all there is to say on that matter.

Yes... but this site does prefer the " to the '. Whether it will be enforced, I can't say, but it has been in the past.

 

[Violet_Pyre]

Thanks! My second story has much more dialogue so I read an article on writing dialogue in the resources section. I'm still not sure I'm doing my paragraph breaks right (I can be a bit mean with those as you've seen!), nor my commas. However I have switched to " instead of ' as that's what the resource suggested.

 

[TheWorldBuilder]

Thanks! My second story has much more dialogue so I read an article on writing dialogue in the resources section. I'm still not sure I'm doing my paragraph breaks right (I can be a bit mean with those as you've seen!), nor my commas. However I have switched to " instead of ' as that's what the resource suggested.

This isn't academia, nor are you writing a grant funding proposal worth millions. Let your ideas flow and the language will follow. Ignore the pedants (although I, too, can be one) and enjoy yourself. If you want proofreading (in English, not American) PM me for an eMail address.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Thanks! My second story has much more dialogue so I read an article on writing dialogue in the resources section. I'm still not sure I'm doing my paragraph breaks right (I can be a bit mean with those as you've seen!), nor my commas. However I have switched to " instead of ' as that's what the resource suggested.

The main thing with paragraph breaks is to avoid a wall of text. Remember that many folk read on phones and devices with small screens, and you need to give them lots of white space. After a while it becomes a visual thing, less than a stylistic thing (in my case, anyway). Different writers have different rules of thumb, but if you go look at my stories, for example, they have a fairly consistent "look" - especially the more recent stories. After a while it becomes one of those things you no longer need to think about because it happens automatically - which also means, when you mix it up, you're doing so for a reason.

That paragraph, for example, is typical/longish for me. If it was in a story, it would probably be two paras.

 

[MaxSebastian]

A fine start

I enjoyed your writing, it reads well, it has a nice fluency and some good imagery.

Don't worry about your grammar! It's fine. Get someone to read over a story before you publish it if you're worried, but it seemed perfectly good to me.

I agree with all the other commenters about the paragraphing. Readers need plenty of white space so they don't overload their eyes while they're reading. Two things in particular I'd say about this -- every time you're moving to a new thought, a new idea, a new series of actions, or something even mildly dramatic where you want to grab the reader's attention, start a new paragraph.

The rest of the paragraph can expand upon that new thought, or progress the series of actions (though not for too long), but then if there's a new thought, or something else happens, start a new para.

And then, as everyone else said, new paragraph when somebody starts speaking, or perhaps even just making a noise (it's erotica, you can put in some oohs and aahs if you like).

If you don't read a huge amount of fiction, because you're so busy in the technical field (although I don't want to make any assumptions about you), it would be a good thing to try to read more, especially in this field, and that might help you get more of a feel for the rhythm of paragraphing. I know I always need to read more than I do, I get so busy; but when I do, it benefits me hugely.

Other than that, like everyone else said, this is mainly just a scene, rather than a full story. But in erotica, or romance, you can easily find an arc by simply asking who these people are, how did they come to get together, and how do they change by being together and experiencing love/sex together?

Anyway. You should take heart, you certainly have good potential in my view.

 

[dontcallme82]

Well written piece. No story will include every aspect of writing. You have a style of writing and it's not a bad idea to stick to that and just slowly improve where you see fit.