New writer requests feedback

On the strength of reading only the first page, I can say you've got much of it down pat. I can't tell how it'll develop, but the first page shows good use of timing and blocking: events move as they need to, are described at the right level of detail, and the pace is natural. So I'm guessing that'll continue.

One odd thing: "I know this is awkward but I need your help," she said but it never is made clear what help she wanted. She couldn't have expected him to intervene as he actually did, so what was she expecting? That the mere presence of a partner would keep Charles calm?

Your language is good. A couple of quibbles. There are several instances of beginning with a colloquialism, and that doesn't really fit the overall style. First was Fact of the matter was, then came one I can't find now... rats... Well, Too bad for Charles is another example. In speech we say these; in writing we clothe them with 'The' and 'It was'. Also info for information. In some places you're actually giving a running notation of someone's inner monologue, so speech patterns are appropriate, but not so much in the ordinary third-person narration.

Next quibble was a few places where you get imagery wrong, as if you're trying to vary a cliche:

The crowd returned to buzzing about their initial conversations

Buzzing isn't a kind of talking, and you don't buzz about things. The crowd's talking sounds from a distance like buzzing, but they don't make buzzing sounds to make it.

only a month since the ink dried on the settlement papers

How long does it take for ink to dry? It's only a month since they were signed; or the ink was barely dry on them. The latter is a standard exaggeration implying 'very recent', but you can't extend it to equate ink drying with signing.

A couple of word errors: fluke for flute, duress for distress.

Now, the main problem I have with this story is stereotyping. I don't know why a romance has to have stereotypes in people: the burly and oafish rival, the flawless and sultry woman, the awkward kid who can do no wrong.

I know almost nothing about the woman after the first page. You tell us repeatedly that she's intelligent, but we have no evidence: she never says or does anything intelligent. After one of these mentions you say they talked for a long time. But we get none of that conversation, so that part of her character just doesn't show up. I know she's got black hair, and is either short or tall, I forget which. You say she's decisive, but saying it isn't much good. You need to bring characters out with their actions and words. So she has a biting reply to Charles, but that just makes her sound rather cruel. Asking a complete stranger's help is one thing but clasping his thigh is another: what sort of person would do that?

You do try to describe the characters thoroughly, which is good, though not sufficient. The background however doesn't appear, because it's also stereotyped. Some kind of party, with champagne and 'vintage' wine and 'tasteful' paintings. What kind of paintings? It might help us visualize if we got any kind of individuation of the place. Although you say he's observing the rest of the room, we the readers get none of it. Is there a queer old fellow who looks like a major and is laughing too hard? A bored-looking man in a white suit with a fake-tanned woman on his arm? Are some clustering here and some there? But you're not giving us any of these.

It's a bit like describing character. Saying someone is intelligent is no use if I can't see it for myself: likewise saying the setting was opulent is not enough to convey opulence.

But these are relatively minor qualms on what is on the whole well done.
 
Re: Rainbow skin

Thanks for the input. This is the first time I've written and I didn't run it by an editor until chapter 19 or so. However, I did notice the things you pointed out. Going into detail like that are one of the things I know I have to work on so I will be doing that. As the story progresses I laid down more of the details that make the two characters so attracted to one another. They will go into their backgrounds, and actually that's what drives them. Thanks again for your criticism. Very helpful.
 
I read it for enjoyment this time and sent you a seperate e-mail. I would have to agree with the crits if someone took the time to look and found them one on one they do grate. I consider it a sign that the story is well written generally and in sync when I don't notice anything that throw off my enjoyment of the thing. Thanks for a wonderful first effort and some of our best authors here are going to be in trouble when you really get in practice
 
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