New Writer - please read my story and give opinion

[little-nymphe]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=134951

i would really like Your thoughts on my writing and my story good or bad please comment.

Thank You
little-nymphe

 

[Singularity]

Good Potential, But Work on the Basics

You have a good story you want to tell, but the basics of how you present it will be a barrier to most people wanting to read it.

The first paragraph will likely generate more back-clicks than continuing on to paragraph 2.

Master, i dreamt about You last night. It was amazing, it felt so real. i woke up, and YOUR cunt was soaking wet. my dream started out that i fly to meet You; You met me at the airport; i was wearing that pink outfit the one that fits so tight, with a short skirt and a slit up the left leg; no panties. You could see the color of my dark large nipples through the top; no bra. i had the clit clip on. It was the one W/we cyber-shopped for together online, each of us on our own computers, so far apart, but shopping together. It was the one You said you liked. If You looked real close, You could see the ends of the dangling jewels just beneath the hem of my short skirt.

First, the capitalization of "i" and "You" and the "W/we" drives most people nuts - myself included. I write mostly in the BDSM category, too, but I have always felt that using capitalization to denote the characters' status and postion is overkill. If the story can't convey that, then the story doesn't have legs. Yours does (have legs, that is), so the formatting really hurts what could be a good contribution. If you read any book-published BDSM stories, you won't find this kind of formatting.

Second (pun, intended) is the use of second person. He should be "he" throughout the story, other than when the woman is addressing him in dialog or direct thoughts (as I think you might be doing in paragraph one).

Third, you have some overly long pargraphs mixed in with the shorter, well-designed ones. When you change perspective from one person to another, or there is a significant change in focus or though, start a new paragraph to help keep the reader oriented and to break up long on-screen text blocks.

My final suggestion is to avoid, wherever possible, the "holding down the key to illustrate passion or volume or pain - like this one:

i whimper, biting my lip, trying hard not to cum. "PLEASEEEEEEEEEE Master".

I think if you clean up some of the presentation and then focus on the storytelling, you will have a good foundation to work on.

Keep at it.


Sin.