New writer, please help critique

[TabithaKat]

Hello guys,

I have just written a new story, and thus far I have received very encouraging and insightful feedback both on Lit and via email, that has assured I will certainly follow up with a chapter asap. However, I would love to know what I could have done to the story to achieve a 'Hot' rating, so I could instill this advice in future.

The story is set in a 19th century mental asylum, and regards the treatment of a woman for hysteria. It is in the 'erotic couplings' section.

Any criticism will be greatfully appreciated, here is the link below:

The Violence of Roses chapter 1: http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=195596


TabithaKat.

 

[dis_pac]

Robbed of an "H"

Re: The Violence of Roses Ch. 01


First of all I would like to applaud you for a very intelligent piece. Trying to make a reader sense an era is difficult, especially an era as complex as Victorian England. The story was very intriguing and showed that you obviously have a great imagination. I loved it.

That being said…

The beginning came off as a little too wordy, and difficult to read because of it. Also I felt that you used your thesaurus just a little too much, I found myself nosing through the dictionary trying to find out what “amorphous” meant. You did manage to settle into a smooth pattern after a few paragraphs though and I was relieved. If the wordiness continued I was afraid that I would get bored. I didn’t!!!

Other than a few awkward sentences here and there and some punctuation problems I found the rest of the story absolutely delightful. The dialogue was fantastic and it did a good job of setting the tone of the era as well as that of the characters. Dialogue is perhaps the most difficult and important part of any story.

So why do I think you were robbed (yes robbed!!!) of an “H”? Perhaps the beginning put some people off. Take more care with the words you use, it can still sound sophisticated without over description and “only found in a thesaurus” words. The next installment will be a killer and, by the looks of the public comments submitted thus far, you are already gathering a fan base. I’m on it. Keep up the good work and I can hardly wait to see how Laura’s “treatment” developes.

 

[Singularity]

My Two Cents Worth

This was a very nicely paced and easily visualized story. The characters come alive and they sound real to the ear when they speak.

I will agree with dis_pac that the first couple of paragraphs are very important, to "hook" your readers. If you read your opening carefully, you'll see that you have a couple of distinct sentences glued together into one.

She gazed sternly at her husband and her mother in law, both of whom sat grimly across the other end of the conservatory, having imparted their news, Laura rigidly composed herself, and impatiently brushing a loosened strand of auburn hair away from her oval face.

What I think you intended was:

She gazed sternly at her husband and her mother-in-law, both of whom sat grimly across the other end of the conservatory, having imparted their news. Laura rigidly composed herself, and impatiently brushed a loosened strand of auburn hair away from her oval face.


Another minor point is that the fact that her face is oval, doesn't add anything here. Telling us that her hair is auburn is fine, but adding "oval" seems to be packing in an additoinal descriptive word that doesn't really add anything here. Other bits of description about how she looks can be included bit by bit, as you go along. And "brushing" should be "brushed" to keep the tenses consistent.

I also felt that her referring to her husband as "Mr. Dwindle" didn't sound quite right, even though you are trying to convey a Victorian mood. She wouldn't "think" of him as Mr. Dwindle, and I doubt that she would refer to him in words that way with only him and his mother present. In a public forum, with strangers present, perhaps, but not in this intimate a setting.

The writing does settle down after the first several paragraphs, and it moves along well. You do give the reader a good sense of the time and place and the moral inconsistencies that abounded during that time.

My last suggestion would be to add a bit more transitional help right where you introduce the Doctor. He just jumps in there, without any warning, and takes off. Even a simple "***" separator or something to delineate a major scene break would help.

Other that that, it is very well done. Congratulations.

 

[TabithaKat]

Thank you both for the feedback, I'll take most of the advice into account.

dis-pac: I agree that the language could have been simpler, however I was very keen to ensure that the voice was 'authentic' and rather risked going OTT than sacrificing the voice. For the next chapter I am trying to strike a better balance. However, on one stubborn defensive- I did not use a theasaurus, not even a computer one. I happen to be quite a wordy person, but I am not so excellent with the grammer
Your advice will certainly encourage me to strike a better balance between making the story sound 'authentic' and making the story more readable.

Singularity: I have fully taken into account all of your advice apart from that on Laura's oval face (this is more because I think this description adds to visualising the visage of the character.) I completely agree with everything else you wrote however, and will use this advice when I write in future.

Thank you guys for both the thorough and usefull criticism, as well as for your encouraging words.

TabithaKat

 

[Kirk482002]

I think you did well and I'm not sure I agree that the first part of the story was too wordy. If i remember correctly, people in the 19th century tended to overstate things in thier writing and would take a simple sentance and expand it with as many words as they could.

I took it as that was what you were striving for.

As far as the 'H', what is you vote rating at this point. I would think it was at least a 4.50 with all the positive comments on the story.

 

[spyro1123]

Singularity: I have fully taken into account all of your advice apart from that on Laura's oval face (this is more because I think this description adds to visualising the visage of the character.) I completely agree with everything else you wrote however, and will use this advice when I write in future.

T
TabithaKat

Just a note, I have found that telling people wich parts of their advise you arent going to take makes them less likly to comment again.

I think it was mark twain who said "when you see an adjective, kill it." the point being that you should use the fewest words you can to convey your meaning.

 

[Singularity]

On the Contrary..

I don't mind at all when an author politely disagrees with some part of a critique. There is no one right answer, and as long as the difference is articulated with respect and consideration, it's perfectly fine to disagree. If we all agreed, it would be a pretty boring world (plus, everyone would sound like me...)

Better that than not commenting or replying at all, or simply saying thank you. When you give an author a critique, you should be as willing to accept their feedback to you as they were to listen to yours.

So please do tell me to go pound sand, now and again politely, of course.

 

[spyro1123]

Point taken, I certainly wouldnt want to say we should all have the same oppinion. I guess i should have said something like be careful about stating why you aren't taking their advice because it is very easy for them to feel it is a personal attack. Or that even when you think you are being polite other people may read it as petulance.

Now as for the story, i am afraid i won't be a lot of help. I got so caught up in it that i quite forgot to be critical. Maybe after a re-read i will find something. I felt you did a great job conveying to a modern audiance a fantastic story. I especially loved the mother in law's insight at the begining. All your charicters were beliveable and there was nothing that jumpped out at me as being our of place in a victorian story. That puts it well above many books i have paid for.

 

[TabithaKat]

I think you did well and I'm not sure I agree that the first part of the story was too wordy. If i remember correctly, people in the 19th century tended to overstate things in thier writing and would take a simple sentance and expand it with as many words as they could.

I took it as that was what you were striving for.

As far as the 'H', what is you vote rating at this point. I would think it was at least a 4.50 with all the positive comments on the story.

I did try to refer to some Victorian authors (Hardy, the Brontes and of course, Dickens) in order to understand how they used words. However, I probably could have eased the readers into the story by being more minimalist with the descriptions at the start of the story and gradually developed the tone of the story into what it was. Also, many victorian writers, such as Hardy who was very into naturalistic writing, tried using plainer voices that were more easily accessible to a wider audience. Maybe I ought to do the same

 

[TabithaKat]

Point taken, I certainly wouldnt want to say we should all have the same oppinion. I guess i should have said something like be careful about stating why you aren't taking their advice because it is very easy for them to feel it is a personal attack. Or that even when you think you are being polite other people may read it as petulance.

Now as for the story, i am afraid i won't be a lot of help. I got so caught up in it that i quite forgot to be critical. Maybe after a re-read i will find something. I felt you did a great job conveying to a modern audiance a fantastic story. I especially loved the mother in law's insight at the begining. All your charicters were beliveable and there was nothing that jumpped out at me as being our of place in a victorian story. That puts it well above many books i have paid for.

I can be petulant when I want to, I admit it . However I was genuinely considering the advice, and I don't think there was anything in what I wrote that was a personal attack of any sort, far from it, I have seriously taken the advice I have been given and have used it to shape the next chapter that I am currently writing (if Singularity and Dis_pac, as well as those who have sent me email feedback read the next chapter, they will certainly see their influences in it.) However, I was simply stating that the advice I have rejected won't shape what I write next, and the reasons why.
I am not the sort of person who tries to offend someone, especially someone who is doing me a favour. However, I do believe that a person is entitled to an honest response regarding the information they impart to you.
On the other hand, I do see your point, so I will try and be more tactful regarding the advice that people kindly take their time to give me.

I am also glad that you enjoyed the story , I hope I am able to do a decent job of the second chapter.

 

[Flashlight7.5]

adverbs

I would cut all the adverbs from this story.

Mind you, I'm not much a fan of Victorian fiction, so I'm jaded toward this type of writing. I thought you took too long to get to the meat of the story. I'm not saying you should start with the sex scene, but I would start this story with her arriving at the asylum and filling in the backstory through dialogue. The scene with her husband and mother-in-law doesn't need to be there.

Also, I don't think you need the Victorian dialogue while she's in the throes of passion. I'd keep it short and sweet.

That's my two cents.

flash

 

[GirlMidnite]

hey tabithaK,

What your story needs is a good interracial sex scene of some sort etc. Possibly involving Big Ben and some black hobbits? Um yeah.

Like Flashlight I prefer snappier stories with dollops of sex. However, I do think that your story will appeal to those who like the story to build into the sex scenes, and who prefer good atmosphere in a story- it is very atmospheric and would be less so without the story. I also don't think you need to get rid of the adverbs, I quite like them, and I think you have used them well. Also, regarding whether someone chooses to tell the story in a linear way, or more abstractly- no one will ever be 100% happy either way. I told my last story in an abstract way and got criticised for that.

There were some inconsistencies, I have sent you feedback about this. And um, I would like to see some interracial victorian sex as that is quite speciality...so er, hop to it!

 

[dis_pac]

I am still patiently awaiting your next chapter and am very, very happy to hear you are working on it. As for taking and leaving advice...

That's why it's advice not law. There is a responsibility with advice, the reciever has to weigh it and look at it before decided to take it, and the giver has to be understanding if their advice is not taken.

Hell I don't even take my own advice most of the time (hence why I still smoke after telling myself for 15 years to quit). You know what's best for your story and where it's going and how it's written, I'm just along for the ride and giving the odd direction along the way. And you can bet that I will weigh in a little on the next chapter. (All though I have no doubt it will be as fabulous or more so than the last.)

Writers helping writers is awesome! Long live the internet!