New writer looking for feedback

[EasySpirit]

I've been reading Literotica for about a year now but this is the first story I've written for the site. I'd enjoy any feedback I could garner here...positive or negative. I already know of a few syntax errors so please talk about the story itself. What you thought of the characters, plot, any suggestions...ect. Thanks.

 

[EasySpirit]

Forgot the url.

Sorry about that. Like I said I'm new at this.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=48287

 

[damppanties]

My comments

Remember these are just my comments and suggestions.

The first sentence itself had an error and put me off from reading further.
"Luann and I stood next to my in front of the dive bar I had found her in."
...next to my ______? what?

Some of the sentences like: "My cock was so hard I could have cut diamonds with it" really put me off.

Long paragraphs.

You have to start a new paragraph whenever a character speaks.

There are just too many errors to list here and because you said you want comments about the story,not the language; I'm going to leave them out now. I liked the theme but not the way you narrated it. I was confused a couple of times between the story she was telling and the present scene going on. The characters were very good. I liked them. I think you should have narrated the sex scenes in the story (which the girl is telling) in detail.

As a first story it is good. Use a spell and grammar checker and a good editor. It will improve your work a lot. Keep writing.

-DP.

 

[SexyChele]

First of all, the story you have thought of is incredibly erotic! Really enjoyed the concept of what was going on, and the premise the story is based on. This is a first effort, and I would encourage you to continue as you have a good imagination, and that is vital for telling a story.

Here are areas where I think improvement could be made (and please note, this is only my opinion):

1. While the story is hot, the way it is told is confusing and hard to follow. I was going to say that the first paragraph should be looked at more closely, but the whole story runs very similiar to it. You begin the story by stating you are standing next to something (left out words are one of my own biggest boo-boos), and then suddenly you do a shift into telling your readers what had happened previously. A suggestion to correct this would be to either start off with what happened previously: My girlfriend was upset because she had discovered I went out the night before with another woman." Or, when you get to the part where you do a "flashback", break into another paragraph so the reader knows there is something different happening. It's very confusing when you have to sort back and forth between what is happening now and what has already occured.

2. I smiled at the term "dive bar". The first thing I that crossed my mind was a bar that had people diving - a place for scuba divers. I do know what you were getting across, but most readers are familiar enough with the singular term, "dive".

3. Using commas - correctly, of course - helps to break up your sentences so the reader and fully understand your meaning. Lines like the following:

"I was contemplating what I was going to do when I heard a car driving up the hill and instinctively knew it was Luann. Since I could plainly see Luann's car in the driveway I also knew she would not be alone in the car."

My re-write:

I was contemplaing what I was going to do, when I heard a car driving up the hill and instinctively knew it was Luann. Since I could plainly see Luann's car in the driveway, I also knew she would not be alone in the car.

This also brings about tense. You seem to want to be in past tense, yet in the second sentence above, it begins in present tense. (Tenses are my absolute worse boo-boo!)

4. Extremely long paragraphs, combining action and dialogue. The very long paragraph on page 2 is way too long. Just briefly glancing through it, I break it into at least 3 paragraphs. A good rule of thumb to remember is, dialogue begins a new paragraph. Action is another paragraph. Long paragraphs are difficult to get through, and when you combine dialogue inside them, it leaves the read confused.

5. Dialogue within dialogue. You seemed to correct yourself at the very end of the story with this, but there were large parts where this occured and was not corrected.

Dialogue within dialogue is punctuated by a single '. When people see ", they believe some one new is talking. That is were a lot of the confusion comes in during the dialogue. I won't do examples here, as I noticed in the very end, you did it correctly.


I know this sounds harsh, and I don't mean it to be. I think that submitting your work to an editor or two will greatly help your work. Yes, they can take longer, but their advice is good, and they can help you out a lot with your story.

I encourage you to keep at it, but I also encourage you to go back after a few days and re-read your story out loud. Why wait a few days? Because the passion of writing the story will have subsided and you won't have it in your mind what you "meant" to say. Let it cool off for a bit, then go back to it and try to read it as a stranger would.

Good luck to you - I can see where you can be a good writer. It just takes us all a little work to get there!

 

[EasySpirit]

SexyChele...thanks for the sugestions.

I agreed with everything you said. Thanks for taking the time to look it over. I read your stories and I think they're smokin'. My favorite is "Careful What You Ask For" but they're all very good. Now let me ask you...are these fantasies or experiences?

 

[swedishburrito]

Are you a girl or guy?? Couldn't tell from your profile...

 

[Sweet_Carolina]

Nice work mate. I think there was a bit of character development needed for the boyfriend, but overall a gud first try

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Sorry about that. Like I said I'm new at this.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=48287

Well told, but then that's the problem isn't it? You are TELLING the story. You did not draw me into the story and Show me.

These are the problems I see. You have long paragraphs. You first paragraph is 14 screen lines, later you have one that's 21 lines and the next 15. That works in print but is very hard to read on a monitor. You are best to keep your paragraphs down to 8 to 10 screen lines.

Next, you start by telling us about an argument between you two main characters. Don't TELL the reader about it. Let the characters talk and have their argument in dialogue. That SHOWS the action and makes the reader apart of it.

You had a good story, but I found it disinteresting in the execution. Sorry.

 

[Guest]

Are you a girl or guy?? Couldn't tell from your profile...

Why does it matter? s/he could tell you his/her gender and lie, and you would have no choice but to believe it anyway. How would you know that they are telling the truth?