New writer looking for critique... (Two stories - Group Sex)

[gentlehand]

Yes... I'm actually asking for your critical eye (and other parts of your anatomy, if necessary).

I'm a relatively new writer and new poster to literotica.

I'd appreciate suggestion and critique (including the "rip out the guts and feed em' to the writer) on what I've posted.

You see - I actually want to get better.

A current story is posted at http://www.literotica.com/stories/s...y.php?id=330949

A past story is posted at
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=212026

Thanks - gh

 

[Varian P]

Hi there, and welcome.

I'm sure you'll get some honest critiques here.

Your first link doesn't seem to work. Here's A Beginning?

I'm a bit bleary-eyed at the moment, but I'll try to have a look tomorrow.

-Varian

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Time Together.

Looking up at her as she gently bounces up and down, her hips moving... almost involuntarily. Her hands gliding across her thighs, caressing the curve of her belly... running up into her dark hair.

Congradulations. I believe this is the very first first time I've seen a story begin with two convoluted sentences with inappropriate punctuation. Both elypssis are used incorrectly. Both of them should be a commas or something. Right off the bat you've created back clicks for the reader. Always get the first paragraph perfect and the readers will forgive a lot from then on.

What you have done from the first line of this story is drop the reader into a situation without warning or setting. From this point on, I'm expecting a fuck-scene viginette, not a story at all. And that's exactly what it ends up being.

Other than your continued inappropriate use of the ellypsis, the language of this viginette is not too bad. The real problems for me is - Who are these people and what's the point?

You completely lack even the barest character and plot development. Look, I've said this a hundred times in this forum. A story has an introduction where the reader meets the characters and is brought into the story setting. This is followed by character action and interaction that moves the plot, through scenes, along toward a conclusion. And finally, there is a conclusion where the story comes to a logical ending. Hopefully, the characters change or learn or become different along the way.

I just don't see this in your "story". What I see is a fuck scene from the middle of a story that leaves me with nothing but questions: How did "I", Sara and Coleen end up in bed together? Who the hell are these people? And what's the point?

 

[mjl2010]

I'd appreciate suggestion and critique (including the "rip out the guts and feed em' to the writer) on what I've posted.

Ah Jenny you have such a way with words. I think I'm in love.

* sigh *



Gentlehand I'll take a look later and give you my thoughts.

MJL

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Ah Jenny you have such a way with words. I think I'm in love.

* sigh *



Gentlehand I'll take a look later and give you my thoughts.

MJL

TY

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

The Beginning chapter 1

This story starts out much better than Time Together. I'm not too impressed with your one, short line first paragraph. I would have just left that out and began with:

Her partner of four years, Marc, was buried deep inside of her, sliding in from behind in that way that shot jolts up her spine. Every time the head of his cock slid across one particular spot she was sure she was going to explode. His fingertips grazing her lips, clit, thighs and nipples didn't help, either.

(Note the tense shift from past to present in the last sentence.)

But your next one-line paragraph was a jolt.

Wait a second... they did help. A lot.

The ellypsis is wrong. This should be a paragraph. An ellypsis is used ONLY as an incomplete thought, not a pause. The whole line is just starnge to me.

Next you go two paragraphs describing "Her" (doesn't she have a name?) dreaming of Marc's x-girlfriend while he's pounding her pussy with his cock. My belief system just shattered. I've had cocks up my pussy. I have fantasized about other guys at the time. But not his x's. Sorry.

You finally end the sequence with Marc telling her she has great taste in women.

Then there's a time shift and you wrote:

She had just gotten back from class when the phone rang.

"Hey, you! How goes it?"

Two question pop into my head here. (1) Who's speaking? and (2) Why is she/he yelling. I say yelling because of the exlamation point.

I could go on and on, but what's the point?

You have good ideas for stories. This one is certainly an improvement of the first one I looked at, however, you need an editor to look over your work before it's posted. A good editor will point out the same things I have and teach you what you need to do to avoid these things.

Unfortunately, Colleges and Universities teach Expostulatory Writing and Journalism. Both are a lot different than Story Writing. Frankly, this story is more interesting than the other, but it still leaves me cold. I still cannot identify, hate, dispise, love or empathize with your characters and the plot seems convoluted and undirected. The scenes seem contrived and author driven. You need to learn to flesh out your characters and make them real, then they can drive your plot. You'll find it works a lot better.

 

[gentlehand]

Thank you.

Thank you, Jenny - it is true, my my grammar will be the death of me.

I'll definitely work on what you've suggested.

gh