New Writer, First Story -- Feedback Request

Trysten

Virgin
Joined
Jul 16, 2011
Posts
7
Hey,
I published my first attempt at a story this past week, Jamie the Black Sheep. It has three chapters so far (and an epic 4th chapter already submitted). I've had a little feedback so far--and what I've had has been encouraging--but I'd really appreciate more. Anything you'd have to say is welcomed: likes, dislikes, suggestions for the story, heavy criticism, etc.

http://www.literotica.com/s/jamie-the-black-sheep-ch-01
http://www.literotica.com/s/jamie-the-black-sheep-ch-02
http://www.literotica.com/s/jamie-the-black-sheep-ch-03

I've struggled to decide in what Category I should place them. So far, I've gone with Exhibitionist and Anal. Both of those categories are represented, but they don't seem like a great fit. Thoughts?

Thanks and hope to hear from you....

trysten
 
Trysten, welcome. On categories, I suggest Erotic Couplings or Group Sex would attract more readers and comments. You need to consider the main thrust (pardon the pun) of your post.

I have a bit of a problem. From your title you suggest you have a story of a rebellious daughter and puritanical parents then leap into an unstructured sex romp. Your first 2,000 words, apart from being tedious description when you should jump into the story and explain later, seem totally irrelevant to the rest.

The change from 3rd person POV to 1st kills the opening chapter stone-dead. If you want 1st POV you should start with it. You would have done better to start in 1st and jump into the stroke tale. Explanation can always be dribbled out as you go along.

You write a good stroke piece but if you want to develop characters and plot, you need to restructure your approach. Why should we readers empathise with your characters?

For me at least, the baseball commentary approach to sex writing (he did this, I wet myself) is superficial. Where do you comment on the smells, sounds, taste, emotions and touch of the participants.

I think you have a good premise but need to decide between a straight stroke tale (very popular) and a plotted story.
 
I agree with Elfin's previous comments -- way too much irrelevant back story to start off with. Then it kind of degrades into a bad porn movie:

"And what's your boyfriend's name?"

"Will!!! I'm fucking so many Wills."

That part was so cheesy it made me laugh.

The other problem I had is that the story is written in first person, from a female character's point of view, but it reads like a dude was writing the narrative.
 
thanks

thanks for looking them over. all your points were the kind of stuff i wanted to hear. i've back off some of the things that you didn't like, hopefully, things will get better.
 
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