New writer, feedback sought, feedback offered

[Michael Fury]

I have published my first story, called "Our Secret", about a couple's rendevous in a hotel one weekend. It is admittedly a work in progress, but I wanted to get this fragment out there, as opposed to rewriting it over and over and never posting it.

The scenario in the story requires some more set-up, so I will describe the couple a bit more fully in a subsequent version(s). Additionally, there are more encounter to come for this couple.

As a new member here, I appreciate and respect the unwritten rule of providing feedback when some is given. Beyond that, I am a voracious reader and will be willing to provide feedback to anyone interested.

Here is the url to my story.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=61153

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

Michael,
I read your story and it was a very nice start. In my opinion the chapters to come will enhance it no doubt. I particularly like this line "You clench the bed sheets with your toes and fingers and writhe in the throes of your orgasm." I have problems of my own with punctuation and grammer so I won't even begin to critique you there. We seem to have a similar writing style, I think. In all I liked your story and can't wait to see more chapters.
Wicked


My Stories

 

[sirhugs]

I'm new at this, so will be brief. Hope I'm not too superficial. I'm biased cause I don't care for " you" stories. Also, I like dialogue. Try ading dialogue in future chapters. I would also like more character development. I hope you saved that for future chapters. who are these people? Are they cheating on spouses? Long ago lovers reunited? Married couple hiding away? without knowing the motivation, I feel a bit less interested. Aside from a few run on sentences, I like your style. Your choice of language is fresh, and vivid.

a good start.

 

[ladyphoenix]

Michael Fury's "Our Secret"

Dear Michael,
The first thing I notice about the story is that it’s in first person, an extremely difficult way to go for a first story. Still, that doesn’t bother me so much, because we all have our particular likes, and then I get to the second sentence, and I’m grimacing.

Immediately you have a HUGE problem. You want to tell us the story from his point of view (POV) which is fine, but you forget that a character in a story is just that: ONE character. And any one character is absolutely unable to tell us about ANYTHING that happens outside of his own experience/senses. He cannot tell us anything about what she did when she arrived early. How does he know she “...relaxed with a long bath...” and “Afterwards, ...put on one of the plush white robes...and had a glass of wine.”???
Okay, you might say: she told him about it later. Well, that’s workable but too complicated, and he would have to be telling us after the fact that he’s remembering this encounter and how he knew what she was doing when he wasn’t there (ie, “I remember you telling me about what you did with the time while you were waiting for me...”) BUT then you go on to tell us what she was THINKING about. Only an omniscient narrator can do that, not a character in the story.

Starting with paragraph 3 we are in his POV and things seem to adjust well.

A pet peeve: It is Afterward, NOT Afterwards and toward, NOT towards.

“...milking even more pre-cum, it now running down your fingers...” ??

“I place my hands on each of your thighs” should be “I place one hand on each of your thighs” otherwise, it sounds like he puts both hands on one thigh, then the other thigh.

Your writing is really excellent but you keep getting the POV’s mixed up and giving us information like, “You let me gaze at your pussy, you thrill at your own brazenness...” again, he CANNOT tell us what she thinks. (or later, what she sees in his eyes and even later, what she feels).

Overall, you’re better than most, but you have to get this point of view thing straightened out. Just remember, if he can’t see/hear/smell/taste/touch/feel it, he can’t tell us about it. It would be easier to write in 3rd person, but 1st will work, only if the POV’s are correct, and in 1st you don’t get as much of the other person’s perspective; I think that detracts from a story. Your imagery is nice; your basics are pretty good. A few minor typos aren’t too bad.
One thing I would suggest is the use of more active verbs. Although your writing is fairly fluid, it never hurts ( i.e., “I began running” as opposed to “I ran” “Our kissing” as opposed to “We kissed”. --ING is always more active and therefore interesting than --ED.
As for returning the favor, I’m on lit...if you want to read me, I’m always interested in what people think.

Best,
ladyp

 

[sirhugs]

Picking up on ladyp's point about POV and the other character's emotions- that's an area where I dialogue helps " Oh, ya, that's so relaxing" doesn't harm the POV.

 

[Michael Fury]

Author's comments (so far)

Lady P: Thank you for taking the time to give me such thoughtful feedback. THis is what I was hoping to receive and more. You comments on POV are dead on. In fact, when I wrote seriously, my Writing Professors had the same criticism. What helped me then, and what will help me now, is to write in the 3rd person. Thank you very much for making a significant comment there to help me make some progress.

I also agree with everyone's comments that I need character and plot development. I actually have some ideas on the characters and their actions that I hope prove interesting. I hope that moving to the 3rd person will help.

Not to make excuses, but I splashed this out there because of some unknown desire to POST THIS RIGHT AWAY. I knew that it was incomplete and lacking in some basics, but I had finally gotten something on paper, and I wanted to break the ice by posting it. Had I not pulled the trigger right then, I convinced myself that I would end up in the horrible cycle of rewriting and editing, rewriting and editing, which for me at least, ends up with a bunch of muck. Here, I thought I would get something out, get some feedback, and make some improvements.

As for dialogue, Sirhugs, you are exactly right. And, you have nailed my biggest challenge. For me, dialogue is tough. BUt I am going to try it. Let's see if I can write something plausible. Thank you for the encouragement.

Wicked, thanks for the positives! I hope that I can keep your interest through some improved versions and subsequent chapters!

LadyP, I have seen your portfolio and am looking forward to reading your work. It looks very appealling, to say the least. I'll send you my feedback, for whatever that might be worth.

Thanks all!

 

[ladyphoenix]

Michael,
You're welcome. You will find that if someone asks, I always answer as honestly as I can. If you are ever in the market for a good editor, I volunteer on a first-come basis.
I look foward to hearing your commentary about my work; please don't pay any attention to "Wedding Jitters" or "Wildlife"...they were my first two experiments. Personally, I like "NIGHT". It's my favorite.

best,
ladyp

 

[Michael Fury]

A big plug for LadyP's Aaron's Lolita

LadyP,
Oh my god. I keep reading this story. And coming back to it again and again. While the character development and plot twists make this story stand out from most of the rest, it is the sheer heat of the seduction that captivates.

Ciela, where are you?

I hope you dont mind that I've posted it here. I dont know the etiquette of this board yet, so I recognize that I am taking a risk. However, I am so taken with this story, that I think more people should enjoy it.
Here it is:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=48164
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=48164

 

[Michael Fury]

Thanks for the feedback - here's a revision

All,
Thank you so much for the feedback on this board and via emails. I have found the Lit community to be so very supportive and I feel fortunate to have made the decision to post some of my stories. Here is the link to the revised story, now called Our Weekend Reunion. This is the first chapter, and I think I will go for more at some point. However, I am going to write in some other categories that I like, including E&V, and LW/Mature.

Thanks again for the support and the feedback. I only hope that my feedback to some of you has been as insightful as what you have given me.


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=61976