New Writer desires your opinion!

[Roselle]

Hello, my name is Roselle and I haven't written much erotica before apart from a short story a couple of years back. I read quite a bit of lesbian erotica and usually its not very interesting or its all about dry humping which isn't very satisfying in reality. So on a whim, I thought let's try it for myself! I've really enjoyed myself. Here's my first chapter:

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=245519

I would really like to know what you think. It's only the beginning and I plan to make things even hotter in subsequent chapters.

Roselle xXx

 

[kbate]

I like a story that opens with a strong statment like this one did.

It dropped somewhat immediately afterward; some clumsy lines..

The words rise up in the air between us like plumes of cigarette smoke. It's too bad, really, that sort of cliché has succumbed with government law

the word 'up' is unnecessary. The entire sequence should be rewritten to clarify the object which is so cliché, we know what you mean, but the writing does not clearly leap out and say "government has killed good smoking clichés.
---
Myself and this young nymph

Oh my.
---

Some other basic mistakes and verb tense problems throughout the story detract from the quality. Overall, I do not think this selection stands on its own as a story, but it does read as if it could be the preface to a more lengthy story.

A cleanup of the language and a few minor changes and I think you might have the start of something good.

 

[bobocity]

Doesn't do it for me ...

Sorry to say, I didn't really like this fragment much.

I found Beauty's character a bit inconsistent. The narrator tells us she's painfully shy, but she's very able to converse with the narrator, and she tells her date to clear off pretty easily. And Beauty? What's her last name, Grimm?

I found the tone a bit overwrought and over the top.

I'm sorry to be so negative, but ... that's the way the story struck me.



BBcty

 

[Sarah Davies]

I liked the opening lines. Your description of the conversation.

Perhaps you could describe the characters appearance a bit more though. I like to be able to fully visualise a character. Give me the building blocks to create an image.

Just as a suggestion you might like to break up your paragraghs in future work. It might make it a bit easier on the eye.

Sarah

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi Roselle,

I agree with Kbate; that's a good tension-filled opening line, it really grabbed my interest. I wanted to know who was the recipient of the line, and how that person might react. The extraneous 'up' didn't bother me so much as the action stopping for some commentary.

Slipping between present and past tense, as Kbate also mentioned, is a problem. An example with the verbs highlighted:
She giggled and curled her slim fingers around the stem of her wineglass, flexing them slightly. I watched her hungrily. "Do you, er, have anybody in mind? I mean surely you must understand all of the work involved, yes? Finding a lover, finding your setting, a place, interests." She looks at me. Straight in the eyes. She smiles...

You might also consider less adverbs:
I watched her hungrily.
"What is it Simon?" She said hurriedly.
I feel amazingly powerful.
For more on why adverbs like these are often a sign of weakness in a sentence:
http://www.users.qwest.net/~yarnspnr/writing/adverbs/adverbs.htm

The narrator's voice and her sassy attitude are really well done. I think you might have done better to continue the story instead of ending the chapter so soon. Still curious what that opening line means.

Take Care,
Penny