New Villanelle

[Angeline]

This is my second villanelle. I want to post it today or tonight--would appreciate any feedback. I want to improve it, but would like to retain the rhythm of it. Thanks in advance!

Villanelle Francais

Amongst trees on an April night
A hammock sways a lovers’ dance
Illumed by phosphorescent light.

Endearments murmur, eyes shine bright,
And hands caress in tender trance,
Amongst trees on an April night.

With pounding hearts and mouths pressed tight,
They fall enjoined in circumstance
Illumed by phosphorescent light.

Whilst rustling leaves seem born in flight,
Bewitched by breeze by moon by France,
Amongst trees on an April night.

Enwrapped in thrush throat rapture’s plight,
They cry, then hush to sigh and glance,
Illumed by phosphorescent light.

A soft kiss seals this starlit rite,
Awash in sleepy sweet romance,
Amongst trees on an April night,
Illumed by phosphorescent light.

 

[WickedEve]

Villanelle Francais

Amongst trees on an April night
A hammock sways a lovers’ dance
Illumed by phosphorescent light.

Very good stanza. But... illumed works but I found myself searching for a replacement.

Endearments murmur, eyes shine bright,
And hands caress in tender trance,
Amongst trees on an April night.

Eyes shine bright? Would you use that phrase in your free form poetry? Probably not. I find lots of desire and lovers slipping into my terzanelles. Forms like these seem to draw those words out of me. But the phrase works okay in this poem.

With pounding hearts and mouths pressed tight,
They fall enjoined in circumstance
Illumed by phosphorescent light.

For some freaky reason I like illumed better in this stanza. Go figure. Pounding hearts? tsk tsk... lol Mouths pressed tight isn't bad. The second line is really good.

Whilst rustling leaves seem born in flight,
Bewitched by breeze by moon by France,
Amongst trees on an April night.

Good stanza. But did you want to use "by" 3 times in the second line? You don't want in France? I can see how your use of by makes it interesting, though.

Enwrapped in thrush throat rapture’s plight,
They cry, then hush to sigh and glance,
Illumed by phosphorescent light.

I have to slow down here so not to stumble on thrush throat. I like the alliteration but it's a bit of tongue twister for a speedy reader. But hey! Poetry is meant to be read slowly and savored. Other than that, I really like the stanza.

A soft kiss seals this starlit rite,
Awash in sleepy sweet romance,
Amongst trees on an April night,
Illumed by phosphorescent light.

Sleepy sweet romance... not bad and it relates to the hammock. Anyway, it's early here and I need to read this again. I wanted to give you my initial impression. Now I need to go work some more on my Wealthy Widow terzanelle and banish some lovers and desire to the outskirts of poetry land.

 

[OT]

I like it. But I'll try to pick some nits.

"And hands caress in tender trance,"
Can you get rid of the "and" ?

while?, smooth?, soft?
it's not bad, the way it is,
but it feels a little like padding to make the meter.

"Endearments murmur, eyes shine bright,"

Do endearments murmer? (again, not bad, I'm just being picky.
... Murmurred endearments?

If you change nothing, it reads just fine.

 

[Cordelia]

Lovely villanelle, Ang.

I do as I usually do with poetry like this. I read it aloud.

The only line I really stumbled on, rhythm-wise, was "Amongst trees on an April night."

It doesn't slip off the the tongue like the rest of the poem. Am I reading it wrong? Should there be another syllable in there? Did my father's broken english hamper my ability to pronounce "amongst" incorrectly?

Anyhow, except for that, I loved reading it. My kids are finally getting used to me pacing and reading poetry to the bookcases.

Awash in tetrameter,



Cordelia

 

[OT]

I agree with Cordelia, The meter of the fist line is (slightly) odd.
But I'm so used to cheating with my own poems, I tend to compensate without even thinking about it.

The problems is that Amongst is an odd word. It's like 2.5 syllables. My tongue has trouble with the transition from the ending "st" to the "tr" in trees.

Even though it adds another syllable, the line sounds better to my ear with "Amongst the trees on an April night." But I tend to blur on-an-April together
too (perhaps subconsciously) to correct the meter.

Another thought is to add a comma after trees. Here again, although it technically adds a beat,
if I pause after trees, it feels better.

Whilst I'm here babbling, I liked the three "by"s in
"Bewitched by breeze by moon by France" It's a nice rolling list.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Well, looks like The Wicked, OT and Cord already gave all the suggestions I can think of, so I'll just remind you that Villanelle is a feminine noun, so the title should be Villanelle Française.

Good job!

 

[Angeline]

New and (I hope) Improved

First, thanks all for the reviews and the excellent suggestions.

Eve, you're right the form does lend itself to odd pseudo-classical constructions--I'm gonna try to fix that and the (blush) cliches. (Nice bunny slippers by the way).

OT, whaddaya mean I'm padding to fit the meter? Oh. I am. Also, I'm leaving the repeated "by" in--I like the way it sounds, too. Your other points are well taken, but I'm going to let them ride because I can't come up with a better way!

Cordie, you're right about "Amongst." I have to remember that it's better to sound right than to be a strict slave to meter.

And Lauren? as always. You're my multilingual conscience.

Here is my revised version. What do you think? Improved? Post time?

Villanelle Française.

Among the trees on an April night,
A hammock sways to lovers’ dance,
Illumed by phosphorescent light.

They murmur soft, eyes shining bright,
While fingers creep in tender trance,
Among the trees on an April night.

To beat of heart and limbs clasped tight,
They fall enjoined in circumstance,
Illumed by phosphorescent light.

While rustling leaves seem born in flight,
Bewitched by breeze by moon by France,
Among the trees on an April night.

And thus enwrapped in rapture’s plight,
They cry, then hush to sigh and glance,
Illumed by phosphorescent light.

A soft kiss seals this starlit rite,
Awash in sleepy sweet romance,
Among the trees on an April night,
Illumed by phosphorescent light.

 

[WickedEve]

I think it's beautiful, A.

(no bunnies. just fuzzy and pink)

 

[OT]

Re: New and (I hope) Improved

Here is my revised version. What do you think? Improved? Post time?

'tis beautiful. I like all the changes.
But... (you did ask, right?

"While fingers creep ..."
and later you have another
"While rustling leaves..."

Barely noticeable, the whiles are far enough apart to
not pose a real threat.
While rustling leaves, could be changed to more direct
"The rustling leaves..."

I'm on the fence on this one. Authors's choice.

It is very nicely done, Angeline.

 

[Angeline]

Thanks again poets! OT, thanks for catching the extra "while,' which I'm going to change to a "the." I'm off to post.

 

[Senna Jawa]

You should occupy yourself with something sensible

Angeline, urgently adopt four more kids, work simultaneously three jobs... because you have too much time and it's not good for you, it causes you a serious damage. I am sorry to see you, Angeline, in the harm's way.

Best regards,

 

[Angeline]

Hi Senna. It's nice to see you. I know you despise the sort of writing that results in stuff like this Villanelle. Sometimes I feel sentimental; I'm sorry if it disturbs you. I'm sure something will make me write a more detached poem soon that you might like better.

And 2 kids is the limit for me. If you're concerned about the plight of children, you can borrow mine for a few weeks. I could use a break, and I think some time with Uncle Senna might be good for all of you.

 

[Senna Jawa]

Hi Senna. It's nice to see you. I know you despise the sort of writing that results in stuff like this Villanelle. Sometimes I feel sentimental; I'm sorry if it disturbs you. I'm sure something will make me write a more detached poem soon that you might like better.

Never mind sentymentality. But why do you have to write a poem which reeks of hackneyed and superficial words and phrases. Why do you waste your time on something like this? Why are you not embarassed to sign it? Do I have to extract all those phrases for you? You can easily identify them yourself. I think that they constitute about a third of your poem or more! Angeline, you have twenty times more talent than me, you should not squander it, you should not demean it, you should guard it and develop further. You should have iniside you a vicious dog which would never allow such phrases, you should avoid them routinely, by instinct (except for irregular situations, when a character pronounces one of them or when you make fun of something, etc). Out of desperation let me do something awkward. I'll present my only villanelle below. (I've written in English only one because it's not easy for me. Actually, only after that one I've written one or two in Polish). I can't match your skills, Angeline, your end of summer poem was beyond my ability in terms of phrasing, vocabulary etc., it was a beautiful poem. But in the case of villanelle I've written actually a poem while you have produced a piece of a smoothly written junk.



    day to day



        only clouds no birds race across the sky
        i chase my errands in circles
        go on do not stop do not ask me why?

        sad songs at funerals when a man dies
        are simple acknowledge no miracles --
        only clouds no birds race across the sky

        i chase my errands i sell and i buy
        and birds? they perform in a circus
        go on do not stop do not ask me: why?

        my shirt's white i wear a colorful tie
        my face shows a web of wrinkles:
        only clouds no birds race across the sky!

        you're gaping at heavens searching for a pie
        but your pie only wiggles and wiggles
        go on do not stop! do not ask me why?

        i like my fate her humor so wry
        for an ice-cream she serves me some icicles
        only clouds no birds race across the sky
        go on do not stop do not ask me: why?



wlodzimierz holsztynski ©
1993-06-27

(A trivia item: 239 "reads" and zero votes)

And 2 kids is the limit for me. If you're concerned about the plight of children, you can borrow mine for a few weeks. I could use a break, and I think some time with Uncle Senna might be good for all of you.

My best friend had left his son in my care for a whole year. Thus I can claim certain experience. Let's talk more about the logistic of your proposition by email

Best regards,

 

[Angeline]

I can't match your skills, Angeline, your end of summer poem was beyond my ability in terms of phrasing, vocabulary etc., it was a beautiful poem.

I understand what you're saying about my villanelle--although some of what you think is trite, I think is literal. And I would love to duplicate the powerful simplicity of the end-of-summer poem.

Senna, humor me please. If you can--without much effort--name two or three of my other poems that you think are really good--please do so. I learn best by example. That would help me.

Maybe the villanelle is trashy or maybe we just don't agree. I like the Shakesperian sonnet that you vilified in the other thread--though it's not one of my favorites.

And you know--I believe that you would help me with my kids, if necessary, which is one reason why in spite of your sometimes savage sarcasm, I'm very fond of you.

 

[WickedEve]

Angeline, I do agree some with what SJ is saying. I was thinking about this yesterday. I love your poetry, the originality, your choice of phrases, etc. Even though what you've written is a very nice sounding poem--better than most poems here--it's not up to your usual standards.

Writing a villanelle or terzanelle can be a wonderful word game and you can create a fantastic poem using these forms. But I fear that yours and my widow terzanelle fall into the harlequin romance novel pit. lol

I know you're much better and I know I can be more original than what I wrote. Even though your poem is good, I know you could astound us all if you worked your magic on it. That's what bothered me about mine. I looked at my words, the content and I knew that if it had been free form that I wouldn't have used many of the phrases that I used in the terzanelle. I think I was trying to make the form work more than I was trying to write a great poem.

 

[Angeline]

Writing a villanelle or terzanelle can be a wonderful word game and you can create a fantastic poem using these forms. But I fear that yours and my widow terzanelle fall into the harlequin romance novel pit. lol

Yes, I know what you mean...

This is a problem I have in general with traditional poetic forms--especially the complicated ones--which I why I tend to avoid them. I find myself getting so immersed in meeting the specifications of the form that I can't let go and just write, which is the way I produce what I think is my best stuff.

This is why I compare writing poetry (at least the way I do) to playing jazz. I think to be able to improvise words, the way great jazz musicians do notes, requires at least as much talent and discipline as following preestablished rules, but you have to just do it. If you stop and think about it (again this is the way I write), you lose the flow and it's not as good. This is not to say I don't go back and edit--I do--but that is how I produce a first draft.

When I try to write in a form with a lot of rules--especially one that is new for me--I feel like I'm doing a crossword puzzle. I'm pretty good at crossword puzzles, but I don't equate doing them with producing art.

Some people here do--in my opinion--make art with traditional form: JUDO and Cordelia come to mind. I know, for example, that Cordie is a mathematician. I think the practice of mathematics can be creative and artistic and the kind of logic it seems to require lends itself to consciously structured thinking. For me, that explains certain poets' success with forms like the villanelle or ghazal.

Some folks here place great emphasis on these forms--that was certainly true when I first came here. And frankly I have a problem with people who in reviewing a poem see not the content or imagery, but whether the meter is pefect. That misses the point.

Maybe I just need to be more comfortable with the form. Of course, Senna would say there are the same problems with many of my free verse pieces, and he's right. On the other hand, we'e all learning here. I'd rather post a poetic clunker here than try to submit it somewhere.

 

[WickedEve]

I'm in the same boat. I need to practice the form enough so that I can eventually write a good poem using that form.
And I really don't think your poem or mine is bad. I've just seen us both write better.

 

[Angeline]

And I really don't think your poem or mine is bad. I've just seen us both write better.

Yeah I know what you mean. I know my sonnets have improved as I've written more of them and become more comfortable with the form. I'm hoping that'll happen with this form, too.