New to writing - seeking feedback

[alexdaniels]

Hey folks/writers. This is a great forum. I'd like some feedback on my stories. I'm not a great writer, but I think I'm creative and imaginative. Please don't crush me on grammar because I know I need help there.

My stories up to know have been just dive right in with little character development etc., which is all new to me. Rather than ramble on, if any of you are interested in throwing out a few pointers, I'd appreciate it. I'll certainly return the favor once I know enough to do so.

If you have to pick one choose between "Hunter and Leanne" or "Best Friends." I spent the most time on those. The others are quick and dirties...

Thanks,

Alex.

 

[the_bragis]

Hi Alex,

Firstly, don't knock quick and dirty..... ok? They can be just as good. ~laughing~

The story I chose to read was Hunter and Leanne. You are right, you do have a good imagination, you are creative, and you do need help with your punctuation.

The first paragraph is good, and I don't care what anyone says if the begin is no good, you won't keep the reader.

His aggressive nature caught the eye of the President of the company and he was caught by surprise when he was presented with a promotion to Vice President of Corporate Sales.

Ok, like you said you need help with punctuation, and perhaps sentence structure. This is good example. Try reading it out aloud. I did and I came up with this: He was surprised, when his agressive nature caught the eye of the President of the company and he was presented with a promotion, to Vice President of Corporate Sales.

Hunter closed on a new home
Closed? You mean like moved in or bought. Be careful with slang.

While of the subject of his home. I think there is too much information there. Here we have detailed look at the house, but we still don't know what Ranger looks like. By the way, and this is just a personal preference of mine, I like reading about muscular and handsome men...~smiling~


He wasn't quite sure what to make of it. He knew Leanne and he could only assume that this letter didn't mean what first came to his mind.


More information here please. Why did he assume that? Was it that she was too prudish? Perhaps too good looking for a man like Ranger? Maybe she was his boss? His boss's wife? You see the endless possibilities here? Oh and since you are talking about a man.....i guess there's no need to elaborate on what first came to his mind.

He replied to her and told her that he would be happy to host a party for her if that was what she meant. She wrote back telling him that she wanted him all night at the party but couldn't find the right opportunity to let her emotions show for fear of coworkers catching on. She asked if he were free Friday night and said that she wanted to serve him drinks at the swim-up bar.


Now this is what a call a missed opportunity for some dirty flirty dialog...something like this perhaps:

"I would be happy to host a party for you," he wrote, as he grinned smugly to himself, adding, "if that is what you mean?"

"I was dying to get you alone all damned night at your party. I just couldn't seem to find the right opportunity", she revealed in her note back to him. "I didn't want our co-workers knowing how I felt, did I? Now if your free Friday night, I want to serve you..........................some drinks that is, in the swim-up bar. "


He replied, "I'll be waiting. If you plan on getting wet, you better bring a few changes of clothes."

Again I would like to have seen something like:

He replied, "I'll be waiting. I plan on getting you all wet, but don't bother bringing a change of clothes will you?


He pondered what he was going to do and how he would treat her.....

Ok, but how about sharing the juicy details with the rest of us? I don't mean like where he was going to take her, but how. How did he plan to seduce her. What exactly was going on in that evil little male brain of his?

"Get in!" he sarcastically, but impatiently said

Impatiently, ok. Sarcastically, I don't think so. What exactly happened here? He so nice in the rest of the story.

Now the passage where he is speeding down the freeway. This would be perfect spot in the story for some 'fragmented sentences.' (I didn't know what those were either until a week or so back.) One of the authors in here NCmVoyer has done a whole story using them. It would I think give a 'racey' feeling to this part. Something like:

He slammed his foot down. Engine rumbling. Faster. The car was going faster. Speeding through the gears. Leanne exhilarated. He felt powerful. He was powerful. He had taken charge......(etc).

Alex knew Leanne was a ........

Oops, don't you mean Ranger?

Hunter took Leanne's hand as they walked back to the car. He leaned into her and whispered, "Your lips are heavenly. I can't wait to have them again."

I just want to say one thing about this line, M-M! (I loved it!)

As you said a little more description of what the characters are feeling is needed. Perhaps you could express more of Leanne's excitement. You know if that was me being taken on a surprise flight on a private jet, I'd be so damned excited it would be ridiculous. Leanne seemed to take it all in her stride. Mayb she was used lavish things like that? You need to tell the reader.

Ranger, was he a smooth wealthy man about town kind of guy, or was he the dorky rich variety?

You know it's kind of funny too, but the second half of your story seemed to come together for you more easily. It was smoother to read too.

This is a nice romantic story, that will certainly have a wide appeal, but especially for the female readers. You seem to know just how to pluck that feminine string!

Have a great day now,

Alex (female variety)

 

[alexdaniels]

Thank you

Thanks, Alex! Thanks sooooo much for taking the time to give me feedback. You're right. I wrote the story over a period of time. The second half came to me very easily. And I think I've gotten better technically. I just finished Best Friends, but the other three are about 4 years old. You make great points. I think I've tackled a few of them since I started writing.

So you like the quick and dirties sometimes too, huh!?

And thanks for pointing out that I am effectively pushing the female buttons! I tend to write these for my parnter. It's good to know I'm pushing other people's buttons too.

Alex.

 

[pinklipstick]

Hi Alex, I read Fringe Benefits.

I liked your story concept. Corporate meetings that include sex is certainly hot. And I couldn't help but thinking you could get some great milage out of this plot line.

However, here are a few things that grabbed me immediately.

1) There is very little lead up to Monique and Main Character (MC) having this great liason. You get the feeling when MC sits down to Monique that there was no relationship before and really no desire for one. I would have much preferred knowing Monique was incredible instead of the bar.

If he had known her before, was it established he wanted her based on a previous action/event?
i.e. They had shared an elevator to the ofice one morning and her scent had given him an immediate hardon. He wanted her. or,
They had exchanged hard appraising looks across the conference room table during a meeting and he knew she wanted him.

If he hadn't even thought of it before, did he see her in a different light that night?
i.e. As he approached her, she shifted causing her revealing black dress to show even more cleavage. Why was it he never noticed how beautifully rounded her breasts were?

2) You spent much time on Monique ordering MC's drink - Vodka Martini. Stoli's Two olives. Nice touch. But when both showed up later in the story with wine, I was confused. Especially as you had establised that Tequila was actually his drink. Now normally, I wouldn't be concerned with who was drinking what, but you spent an entire paragraph defining the importance of what the drink was going to be.

3) During the actual intimacy, there was no talking or noise from them at all. Now, I'm not one that enjoys reading about every moan, groan and whimper, but a few pieces of dialog would have been nice. Otherwise it starts reading like a manual.

4) Last line punch.

She asked why I hadn't attended one of these before. I thought for a moment and replied, "I had no idea there was such a beautiful view from the bar. I have to work this into my routine."

I think that if you had stopped earlier, you might have a finishing line with more finesse:

She asked why I hadn't attended one of these before. I thought for a moment and replied with a slow smile, "I had no idea there was such a beautiful view from the bar."


Lines I really liked:

I couldn't really say anything. I was sitting next to someone who could have easily melted the cover of Playboy.

Quite nice.

I was expecting to hear footsteps, but all I heard was the wind whining through the handrails.

Good imagery

I ran my hands up her legs, pushing her skirt up like an accordion around her waist to expose her black garter and panties.

I like the accordain part.

 

[Isa]

Hiya Alex, I read "Best Friends".

First paragraph: "Sarah and V have been best friends for more than 15 years."

This paragraph isn't in the same tense as the rest of the story. I also didn't feel like it really "pulled me in". There are a lot of things that you might want to try playing around with to make it have a little bit more of a hook. You could hint that they have messed around with eachother or together, or say that they were both incredibly horny. You might also talk about their dissatisfaction with their husbands. One thing which wasn't really touched in the story was why they were both cheating on their husbands in the first place. It also bothered me that you didn't really give any description at all of Sarah or V. V doesn't even get a name! In addition to allowing the reader to more easily picture the characters, descriptions of characters can help you to get out of the "She/Name did blah" rut. Instead of V, you could make her a blonde and Sarah a brunette, then refer to them as such. V could be busty, could have a nickname, could be shorter or cuter... the possibilities are almost endless!

"Even though the boys weren't around now, they still played their game of not admitting what they'd done long ago."

If this is a major part of the story, you might want to go into more detail. If it isn't, it might be better to just leave it out. To me this sentence doesn't really set any kind of background for their behavior. It's just kind of... there.

"They began undulating in unison. The wave of motion started at their knees and ended with their heads falling back. Over and over and over again, their bodies were waving in ecstasy as each other’s hands explored one another. "

This is a weird description. If it works for you, keep it! It didn't work for me.

"They scanned the room as they walked towards the counter. 'Ooh. Look at that one!" V said with excitement. "Such a distinguished gentleman.'"

Did Sarah look? What did she think about what V said with excitement? This selection just kind of felt kind of short and really didn't go anywhere. You might want to consider exploring it more or just tossing it out.

"The octopus of pleasuring arms quickly brought beads of sweat over the bodies of all three."

Very interesting description. Again, it didn't work for me. Just for reference an octopus has eight arms, not six!

Finally, the rest of the story was kind of a let down. The only sex was this big, kind of confusing description of kissing, hugging and fingering, and it didn't really lead to much of a climax (for the story, not the characters!). Maybe part two will offer something more for us slobbering, sex starved Literotica readers?

Even with all my gripes, I really enjoyed your story. I think that you have the ability to make it much, much better though. I'd love to see you post more stories. I'm sure that you'll improve. You have tons of potential!

 

[just a thing]

Hi, Alex.

A little advice: Your writing would improve (and so would almost everyone else's here) if you used fewer adjectives and adverbs. Take your time and pick a more accurate verb or noun and you won't need so many qualifiers.

Go to the bookstore. In the reference section you will find a book called The Elements of Style written by William Strunk and E.B. White. It's a very small book -- less than 90 pages total. (You might have had a copy of it in high school.) In section 5 of The Elements of Style, you will find a ton of good advice on improving your writing style.

Good luck.

 

[alexdaniels]

Thanks everyone

Thanks to everybody. I haven't been able to reply since I returned from vacation. It's been busy.

Everyone has great points. My stories so far have been written with someone in mind so I've missed the point of writing for the uninvolved reader... I've got a new perspective on story writing now. And thanks for all your other points. I appreciate the help.

Alex.