New to the lifestyle, several questions.

[13abovethenight]

I am a younger male, I am 30, who has found himself the dominant party in a relationship with a younger woman, she is 23. I have no problem with some of what the lifestyle entails, although I do admit some trepidation about several things-but mostly I realize I don't know enough to make educated decisions for my pet.

I am a control freak by my very nature. An ex Marine who works in law enforcement. add in a high strung energetic personality-and well you can see where I'd be afraid of hurting her by going to far, or worse not even realizing it.

To add to my fears, she was, in a previous relationship a number of years ago, abused severely by her husband at the time. She married young, had a child shortly there after and was nearly killed by her husband. (I will refrain from the litaneous list of expletives I could use to describe what I think about him, or what I'd do in my pipe dream meeting with him...)

And when I say nearly killed, I mean hospitalized and nearly dead. She was, and is still in therapy. I think we have a healthy relationship, and we're trying not to rush into anything rashly, or driven by hormonal urges.

It took some time to convince me to even consider this lifestyle choice. I do think some of it is her way of dealing with what happened to her, but a lot of it is her natural healthy sexual urges. We are more into a softer side of this anyways, as I can't raise my hands to do anything more than spank her.

So now that you've all suffered through me organizing my thoughts "aloud", so to speak, I am looking for advice. Advice on the lifestyle, techniques, and things we might not be able to just get from typing BDSM into google or some other search engine.

What little tips can you offer me? As Baz Luhrmann says:

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

 

[chris9]

Sounds like you two are off on a very exciting journey, with too much baggage from her previous marriage.
The best advice I think is first, to do what you say you are doing, going slowly and the second is to just keep reading aroung. Search the library over here, read the threads, even those with a topic not primarily interesting to you to learn about the people who give their opinion and advice (if they think very different from you in general terms, maybe you shouldn't follow their particular advice).
I posted a question a bit similar to yours a couple of months back, and reading around was the only answer I got. And here I am, two months smarter, but still lots to learn...
Use your common sense in all that you do and enjoy your journey together!

 

[kerker_miester]

good advice

Sounds like you two are off on a very exciting journey, with too much baggage from her previous marriage.
The best advice I think is first, to do what you say you are doing, going slowly and the second is to just keep reading aroung. Search the library over here, read the threads, even those with a topic not primarily interesting to you to learn about the people who give their opinion and advice (if they think very different from you in general terms, maybe you shouldn't follow their particular advice).
I posted a question a bit similar to yours a couple of months back, and reading around was the only answer I got. And here I am, two months smarter, but still lots to learn...
Use your common sense in all that you do and enjoy your journey together!

This is good advice. I will say it again read all you can find even things that do not interest you. Look any where and every where. Learn what you can and apply the things you feel comfortable with into your life. Slowly build your life together. Most important is to comunicate to each other what you each need from the other and apply as is apropriate. Welcome to the life may you have a wonderful D/s life with your sub

 

[Softouch911]

Slow is good, very good.

There are many excellent resources on this board, in the form of people, and in the library.

I've never been turned down when I've had a question or a need for clarification.

For the philosophy and attitude to adopt in a constructive D/s relationship such as you're trying to form, I found a lot of good help in a site called "Submissive Loving." Lots of good articles addressed to pace and adventure for the newbie.

Good luck, Marine!

 

[13abovethenight]

Thank you for some comforting advice, I'll keep looking around, and even try to keep you guys posted as we progress.

 

[landiek]

Being the "sub" of O/our relationship I know that pains of baggage.

My Master goes very cautiously at times. Communication is one of the top benefits between two S/souls that are seeking bliss within O/one another's arms. That includes being able to specifically ask her about her views of her limitations within BDSM. What expectations are in the relationship?

Master always seeks to learn more even though W/we are into a more Gorean Lifestyle. W/we have agreed that O/one can never learn too much concerning lifestyles.

Also encourage Your girl to keep up with any form of mental health. Just because one might attend Mental Health does not automatically say that , that person is crazy or dangerous. being in an abusive relationship can leave deep scars, I should personally know.. been there and done that.

her desires of being dominated may stem further then her marriage. she may have been around very dominate classmates that left an impression that also adds to her unique attributes.

I also would suggest that she keep two journals. One that keeps her feelings about the times that Y/you both talk or about the emotions felt during a "session"
The second is more of a schedule that asks the following questions. What good thing did I accomplish this week? What disappointments have I shown better judgement over then I would have before? What gift do I have that I want to improve or benefit from more often next week? What short term goal can I reach next week? How many times can I take a negative statement and make it positive? Do I manage to nurture myself so I can please my Master more?

Another thought is using a BDSM checklist to see the variations of possibilites. There is a site called Alt that has a checklist. Perhaps You might desire to print it out and have her fill it out honestly.

Blessing and Prayers to Y/your pursuits
landi (remitted with permission of Master Moondancer)

 

[heckle]

Whatever you do and however you proceed, be sure to COMMUNICATE with each other! Communication is one of the biggest factors in this type of lifestyle.

Trust, Honesty, Communication. Those are the three things that you will need to have. Without them, your looking for trouble. And while there is much information online, be sure that you read through it together. Take it for what it is. Information on the internet. Nothing more, nothing less. Try to find a BDSM group that is local to you. If you go to a Munch, be sure that your confortable with the people there. Here are two links. The second one seems to be a newer one that does not have many listed.

http://www.darkheart.com/sceneusa.html
http://www.munchlist.org/

If you do find a local group, be careful if people start offering to become your mentor. While many are just fine, they will be there to guide you and answer questions. Not to play or have any sexual activities.

 

[13abovethenight]

A group? Hmmm I'm not sure about that, 'll definitely be reading those links closely.

Then I'll get back and post a more coherent reply. I think that seems fair.

Landiek thank you for sharing your advice, with permissio of course, I agree, and I think she does too that utlizing Mental Health services does not make you any less healthy, attractive or mean you're crazy.

 

[landiek]

this one attends three days a week in an Intensive Outpatient Program by the ned of the month will be going to four maybe five days a week.

My classes help me cope with things that have happened in my past as well as my present circumstances.

One of the greatest lessons I learned was from another attendee. "Sometimes when bad things happen and everyone expects us to bounce back ot the normality we used to be has no clue of the impact the event had upon us and honestly wouldn't cope the same way we do. You have to say this to yourself. I am only human and will make mistakes in life. But I am a better person from learning by experience and seeing that I am not falling in the recycle loop"

Once more W/we look forward to hearing of Y/your triumphs
landi )remitted with permission of Master Moondancer(

 

[13abovethenight]

Sorry we haven't updated-life's been busy. We're discussing some updates, and I think she'll be the one to post them( or at least that's the impression that I get! Heh.)

At any rate we're very happy, if I may so, with our progress and despite some roller coaster moments we've done well. Very well. I'll pester her to update this in some way soonish!

 

[Betticus]

Sometimes people need to test each other in order to open up in the relationship. It may let her see in a physical sense that she is valuable to you and cherished. Giving up control takes a lot of trust and when it works out right in the end you feel warm and happy and full of that other person. BDSM after abuse isn't a bad thing.

 

[Purple Sage]

That's some pretty substantial baggage. A lot of people use BDSM as a way to (try to) take control of past trauma. Sometimes this is effective, often not. It's a very tricky business. In essence, from the Top position in such a circumstance, you're faced with some basic choices: A) You know exactly what you're doing, or at least you absolutely believe you do, and you're going to be an absolute rock while your sub goes through all the sturm und drang of working out her trauma on and against you; B) You're going to be a therapist, and constantly revamp your relationship to meet her changing therapeutic needs or C) You're going to pretty much step back from this and let her work this out with her therapist. As someone who has been in a long term D/s relationship with someone with major trauma, I gotta say that C is the wise choice. Probably not the one you're going to make, God knows I didn't, but still the wise one. Of course, I was handicapped in my choice selection by an utter lack of competent therapists in the area, but still. It's a lot to take on, and being a control freak yourself may not be the most helpful character attribute. Good luck.

Purple Sage

 

[13abovethenight]

Good evening, this is the female half of 13AbovetheNight, (I). He has been telling me to update, it has taken me awhile because I am so busy.

Well first off, thank you for all the advice. It has been a long, hard road that is still not quite over yet. And I don't know that it ever will be, in a way.

I have been going to therapy for a while, and my other half (P) has been very suportive. We have had alot of hard times, but many more good times. I tend to become very insecure, take on a "me-against-the-world" type attitude because of it. I sometimes am afraid that I could not be loved, that there is no one who would love me, so I say "Well, fuck it" and I try and do things on my own, break off all contact instead of running the risk of being hurt again. Thankfully, these times of insecurity have been coming less and less frequently, and with less intensity. I am taking that as a good sign.

As P said, neither one of us can do anything more than spanking, and even that is approached with caution. Which is just the way I like it. I love to be tied up, however, and we have explored alot in this area, blindfolded and not. There was only one time where I had a bit of a nasty flashback during our play, and we both took a considerable break from everything other than vanilla. This was a while ago, and we are slowly working ourselves back into things.

Along with the decreased insecurities, I have begun to play a more dominant role in our playtime, mainly with toys and blindfolds. I find that although I really didn't have a desire to be the dominant one before, it is allowing another aspect of myself to show, one that I have been working very hard to bring to the forefront, even in small quantities. See, I had trouble asking for what I wanted. What someone else wanted was always okay. So now that I really feel a very strong, safe bond with P, I am starting to explore asking versus telling. We are still taking things slowly, still expect some bumps, hiccups, and setbacks, but we are both very aware of the situations, both present and previous, and how they play into our day to day lives.

I have come to trust P fully. He has shown me, time and again, through alot of insecurities and issues of mine, that he is not, and will not be, my ex.

Actually, one of the things that I really enjoy is when P fists his hands in my hair and pulls back a bit, arching my back. Before, that would have put me over the edge. I would have had a panic attack but these days, I thoroughly enjoy the sensations, because I know that if it gets to be too much all I have to do is say so and he will back off. But, I have also found that I don't have to say anything because P has really paid attention to my limits and needs, and really is fabulous about taking care of me and knowing where to stop or go slower so not to push over that limit.

Like I said, things will not always be easy and fun, but we have found a way for us to work out some issues through play, very fun and fulfilling if done right. Slow and easy, with lots of stops and pauses, but also very worth working for.

 

[chris9]

I'm glad it's been working out so well for you so far!