New to Literotica, feedback wanted

[Charrio]

Hello, i just got my first 2 stories approved here at Literotica, and would love to know what you all think.

I have to say these are my first erotica stories so any feedback would be every so helpful.

Thank You

Charrio

DarkAngel's Night Cry
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=326279

Game Of Cat and Mouse
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=326280

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Hmmmm... other than impossibly long paragraphs, crapy punctuation and grammar, total lack of charicterizations and the thinest possible plot lines, it wasn't really worth wasting my time.

 

[Charrio]

Lol, nice to know you liked it lol.

Thank you for your opinion

 

[CeriseNoire]

Well, paragraphing needs some work, and so does sentence fluency. The characters are flat, and the plot is mostly lacking. Perhaps an editor could provide some guidance.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Well, paragraphing needs some work, and so does sentence fluency. The characters are flat, and the plot is mostly lacking. Perhaps an editor could provide some guidance.

Mmmm... nice ass, Cerise, my friend

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I agree with Cerise and Jenny. There's no plot or characterization and you desperately need help on how to write a paragraph.

 

[wanderwonder]

I was confused a lot on the focus of your sentences. You switch points of view without giving readers a head's up (like starting a new paragraph with the character's name), and adding effects like *gasp* and *pant* just take me out of a story because it's not something one sees in normal print. You can say she gasped, or he panted. Admittedly, furry stories aren't my style, and I get bogged down in the anatomical details of the characters rather than enjoying the story. And you know, you can indeed edit and resubmit your stories, if you choose. Your ratings and feedback won't change, but you can at least get a volunteer editor to help you out with some tips and tricks. Or, take a look at some of the essays Lit authors have submitted to help fellow writers. They're usually informative and entertaining.

 

[SheDevilShay]

Hello, I am also new... I enjoyed your story, but there was a lot of little technical stuff that caught me up... (I do this with my own work so don't take it personally.)

You have a good theory, and you should expand on it.

Of course, you might see if you can find a editor.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Lol, nice to know you liked it lol.

Thank you for your opinion

Charrio,

Proud of you for taking Jenny's comments with style. As she and others have indicated, you need to spend some book time on the fundamentals of writing fiction. Yes, I know that sound sooooo boring. But it is also essential.

As SheDevil pointed out, there are a lot of Point Of View (POV) shifts between characters in your writing. There used to be a lot in mine. POV can drive a writer nuts (a short trip for some of us). But if you don't know how to handle POV, readers can become confused and confused readers tend to become former or ex-readers.

Here's one so-called "rule" that's easy to master. Each time a new character speaks, you MUST begin a new paragraph. Readers expect this. Failure to do it can easily lead to confusion etc. etc. etc..

If you want to be a better writer, as opposed to just typing out stories, then get a copy of Stephen King's "On Writing." Even if you're not a fan of his, the book is highly recommended, both helpful and a good read.

Best of luck.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Parson Rump

It may be useful to list some of the excellent writers books out there. There are also many that suck.

I'll posy my list in a few minutes.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

MY CHOICES FOR BEST WRITING BOOKS:
1. THE TECHNIQUE OF CLEAR WRITING, Rober Gunning
2. WRITING FOR STORY Jon Franklin
3. STYLE: Toward Clarity and Grace, Joseph M. Williams
4. LESSONS FROM A LIFETIME OF WRITING, David Morrell
5. TECHNIQUES OF THE SELLING WRITER Dwight V.Swain
6. THE ART OF FICTION, THE ART OF NON-FICTION, Ayn Rand
7. CONFLICT, ACTION & SUSPENSE William Noble
8. HOW FICTION WORKS, Oakley Hall
9. STEIN ON WRITING and HOW TO GROW A NOVEL, Sol Stein
10. ON WRITING WELL, William Zinsser
11. THE ART OF DRAMATIC WRITING, Lajos Egri

The first 5 I listed are must-haves. Morrell created Rambo (his first book). He has many hints and insights about writing well. Practical stuff you dont consider.

 

[SheDevilShay]

MY CHOICES FOR BEST WRITING BOOKS:
1. THE TECHNIQUE OF CLEAR WRITING, Rober Gunning
2. WRITING FOR STORY Jon Franklin
3. STYLE: Toward Clarity and Grace, Joseph M. Williams
4. LESSONS FROM A LIFETIME OF WRITING, David Morrell
5. TECHNIQUES OF THE SELLING WRITER Dwight V.Swain
6. THE ART OF FICTION, THE ART OF NON-FICTION, Ayn Rand
7. CONFLICT, ACTION & SUSPENSE William Noble
8. HOW FICTION WORKS, Oakley Hall
9. STEIN ON WRITING and HOW TO GROW A NOVEL, Sol Stein
10. ON WRITING WELL, William Zinsser
11. THE ART OF DRAMATIC WRITING, Lajos Egri

The first 5 I listed are must-haves. Morrell created Rambo (his first book). He has many hints and insights about writing well. Practical stuff you dont consider.

In reference to his books, if you google writing techniques, or writer help, you can come up with a bunch of online technical/grammar help sites.. (As my big flaw is the technical crap that office "misses" beyond spelling, its a major help when working with out a editor....)

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

And I could point out the quotation from Writer's Market that I live by

"You will be rejected, mostly likely many times before you first sale to a publisher. But keep writing and reading."

An editor will help you, generally, with the technical grammar, spelling and such. But you need to hand your editor something that is polished and ready for a critical eye it you want to jump out a step above the general mass of writers on this site.