New to Literotica/Erotic Writing

[klehmgirl]

Hello,

I am new to both Literotica and erotic writing. However, I've enjoyed sharing my first erotic story, which can be read at the following site: http://www.literotica.com/s/annual-exam-turns-fun

Please offer feedback and/or story ideas for my next story! I count on you, the authors and readers, to let me know what you want to read.

Thank you.

 

[sr71plt]

I found this to be written quite well technically, if a bit flabby in the verbage (example provided below). I think the scenario is mundane (medical examination room seduction), that it wasn't fully developed into a story, and the motivations/emotions of one of the characters, at least, were not fully realized. It did OK with the protagonist, but it was rendered in third person omnisicient, which requires you then to do the same with the doctor, which I don't think this does. Her actions are not made believable for the scenario--without motivation given a gynecologist automatically seduces whatever woman comes in for an appointment?--and her emotions or more or less absent. I definitely think this is in the wrong category--it should be lesbian rather than mature. (Among other things, there's nothing in it that isolates it to a mature category--beyond that it's totally a lesbian set up and encounter.)

As far as flabby prose, this is your opening sentence:

"As Amy looked up the number to her gynecologist's office for the purpose of scheduling an appointment, she realized that it had essentially been years since she had an annual exam."

Taking the flab out would make it (without losing anything in context):

"As Amy looked up the office number of her gynecologist to schedule an appointment, she realized she hadn't had an annual exam for years."

I don't usually read these sorts of vignettes. (It hasn't really been made into a story. The protagonist gets seduced in a medical exam by another woman--and so? That's a scene, not a story. Which is OK for posting at Lit., of course.) So, it raises a couple of questions in my mind that readers of such stories might weigh in on.

I struggled a bit with the highlighting of the clothes the protagonist chose to go to the exam in. It works for me if she is doing it because she likes to feel sexy when her male doctor examines her. (Although I'd think that she'd try to go the other way if she was attracted to her male doctor but didn't want to show that she wanted him to be intimate--if she did want him to be intimate, that should be conveyed to the reader. Even if she was confused about it, that should be conveyed to the reader.) But, if this is what you are trying to convey, it didn't seem developed enough and, the kicker, she knows she isn't going to see a male doctor, she's going to see a female doctor. You seem to make clear she has no feelings for females, so why then the discussion of what she's going to wear at all?

And is it really true that female gynecologists are mostly male acting, as you claim in the story? I do know a few, and they are all quite feminine, while still coming across as personable and steady as a rock. Maybe it would have been better for the protagonist just to know one such masculine woman gyenocologist and then to base her skittishness on that only rather than making the sweeping generalization. It had me stopped to consider whether you were right--and you don't want the reader to stop on something tertiary to the action.

 

[Hotcappucino]

I'm not going to overburden you with a lot of different details, but I think the biggest thing that you can do to improve the story is add dialog. I was amazed when I went through the entire story and there was not one word spoken. Dialog will add a lot of depth to the story, and properly written dialog can give the reader some insight into the personalities of the characters. For example, instead of narrating the introduction, where Amy sets up her appointment, you can write the conversation between Amy and the receptionist, then Amy and Emily:

"Mission Medical." The voice on the other end of the phone sounded clinical, detached.

"Hi, this is Amy Johnson. I wanted to ..."

"Please hold."

The on-hold music, a Bach sonata, did nothing to calm Amy's nerves. It had been several years since her last gynecological appointment. Like most women, she saw it as a necessary evil, best put off as long as possible. For a brief moment, she considered hanging up and waiting another year.

"Mission Medical, this is Emily speaking. How can I help you?" A different voice, this one much warmer, welcoming. Amy suddenly felt more at ease.

"Hi, Emily, this is Amy Johnson. I wanted to set up an appointment with Dr. Campbell, please."​

I hope the above makes the story a bit more interesting. It gives the reader the impression of the receptionist being abrupt without actually having to tell them.

Good dialog can be challenging to write, though. You have to keep in mind the personalities and background of the characters, and make sure they "speak" in a manner that is consistent with those personalities and backgrounds, i.e., a doctor should sound like a doctor.

Hope that helps.

 

[LittleCarol]

The other two responses are right on. Since the doctor is criminally unprofessional and the patient's responses are unrealistic in the face of a criminally unprofessional doctor, we can only read this story as a pure fantasy. It's the fantasy that a female OB/GYN had been trained in a way that allows her to give the greatest orgasm of all time, and that speculums are really lesbian toys.

The patient is in awe. Do you ever go to a doctor in real life? I'm satisfied with my medical professionals, but "awe" is not a word I would use, not even while one is giving me a rectal exam.

I'm sure some people get it, but I don't.

LittleCarol

 

[nakdsub]

Actually...

Using sr's example, you could even cut that down further and still not lose content;

Amy looked up the office number of her gynecologist. She realized she hadn't had an annual exam in years.

What I don't like about the above example is the use of, "she" twice in such a close proximity. I believe the example below is even better.

Or; Realizing she hadn't had an annual exam in years, Amy looked up the office number to her gynecologist.

Or; Amy looked up the office number of her gynecologist. She realized it had been years since her last appointment.

 

[Hubs_in_hose]

Welcome to the writing club. Like most endeavors, we have to continue working to improve; so keep writing!

There are many writing tips and helpful tidbits in the Author's Hangout forum, check it out.