New To Literotica and To Erotic Stories

[Don_Savant]

I was just wondering if I could get some feedback on my first lesbian story.

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=281253

 

[cawastedyouth]

I probably skipped this story because the tagline in the cue didn't catch my attention. So there's a good place to start with trying to get more reviews and/or attention.

I'm not exactly sure about some of the characters and it doesn't feel 'Lesbian' to me.

Also feels much like a quickie stroke piece. So I had trouble reading through it--but that's chalked up to the fact that I'm not attracted to quickie stroke pieces.

I think there would be more reistance on the part of either Stacey or Sandy. That as they are 'seduced' by the other that the experience becomes more pleasurable.

I would have avoided the double 'S' names...just so it would encourage more direct imaging. It's cute, but in erotica, and especially in a stroke piece, a reader can easily get confused.

Hope this is helpful. Keep writing. And welcome to Literotica.

 

[Don_Savant]

Thanks...can I get some more feedback?

 

[Don_Savant]

Thanks for the feedback

 

[Roselle]

Well I read through most of the piece, and although I commend you for great spelling, this story didn't have much of a lesbian feel to me, in that you can tell a man wrote it. The descriptions at the beginning made me think of ice cream flavours, which can be tasty of course, but it led me in the wrong direction and I got distracted from the story. Maybe instead of just listing their attributes you could try and weave in how they're friends, perhaps something like how your friend was brazilian and had the trademark tanned skin and curvy hips. But, as it is a stroke piece, I doubt the readers you're aiming for would be as interesting.

And, what also distracted me from the story was the whole hurricane situation. I didn't feel you could sleep through a hurricane - maybe they could had sex during the hurricane with all the extreme weather raging around them?

And also I was never sure if they were ever just friends. Afterall, what kind of girlfriends do you know buy porn together to get off on or whatever they planned? If you do, great - I bet they're interesting girls. I just never really found their characters that compelling, to be honest, and it wasn't much of a seduction. Hope that helped!

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

this story didn't have much of a lesbian feel to me, in that you can tell a man wrote it.

But, as it is a stroke piece, I doubt the readers you're aiming for would be as interesting.

I just never really found their characters that compelling, to be honest, and it wasn't much of a seduction. Hope that helped!

That's about right, Roselle.

Try something like this http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=94599

Is really isn't all that much discription anywhere in the story. But it is pure Lesbian Stroke. Take a good lesson from the seduction.

I wrote this several years ago and the story is true.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

That's about right, Roselle.

Try something like this http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=94599

Is really isn't all that much discription anywhere in the story. But it is pure Lesbian Stroke. Take a good lesson from the seduction.

I wrote this several years ago and the story is true.

Jenny, 'love mound', 'that special place', 'as she moved beyond this world into that place of oblivion called ecstasy' - you must have written it many years ago!

Don

I agree with what the others have said but think there is a more basic problem.

You begin with first person male POV then have a great clumsy jump into third person POV. Lose the guy, he doesn't add anything and he isn't in the hotel room so he is only relating an account. If you write this in omniscient third party point of view you can start describing thoughts and feelings. You don't explore the five senses.

Also, you can have a lot of dialogue, which always helps a story.

Weather is a wonderful scene setter but I don't think you use Katrina as you could. Drop the porno DVDs - so cliched and unlikely for these two girls. Sharing a couple of bottles of white wine, the increasingly giggly girls model their lingerie in ever more daring fashion. Under the effect of the wine they both find themselves admiring the near naked body of their friend and feeling guilty.

The hurricane breaks, the electricity fails,they feel scared and hug in fear - dramatic events, urgent writing. If this is to be the end, they will die in each other's arms. As the storm rages outside, their sexual passion rages inside - until they fall unconscious.

Dawn brings your quiet scene of floods and destruction and they lie together until the rescuers knock the door. They kiss and go out to face a totally new life.

Sorry to go on so long but I hope it helps.

Elle