New to D/s and have lost of questions

gem525

Virgin
Joined
Dec 19, 2007
Posts
6
I have just started exploring D/s in the past few months. I feel it's a part of me but just never had anyone to share this with.

It appears that it initially it starts with a few email volleys and then maybe a telephone conversation. Almost immediately, they are giving assignments with punishments if they are not followed to the letter. Is this the way the development of a D/s relationship unfolds? Am I crazy to think that I can't trust this person until I meet them? Why would I want to show commitment to someone and trust them when I don't know them? Or have I just run into a crazy bunch of Doms?

Can someone take some time to explain to me a safe way to explore this and not get in over my head? I would really appreciate it!
 
I have just started exploring D/s in the past few months. I feel it's a part of me but just never had anyone to share this with.

It appears that it initially it starts with a few email volleys and then maybe a telephone conversation. Almost immediately, they are giving assignments with punishments if they are not followed to the letter. Is this the way the development of a D/s relationship unfolds? Am I crazy to think that I can't trust this person until I meet them? Why would I want to show commitment to someone and trust them when I don't know them? Or have I just run into a crazy bunch of Doms?

Can someone take some time to explain to me a safe way to explore this and not get in over my head? I would really appreciate it!

i am a relative newbie as well, but wanted to say hello and welcome you to the board.

There are lots of very knowledgeable people on this forum and many, i am sure, will point in you in the right direction.

i would also like to add that there is an awful lot of information available on the forum. Take a couple of hours and read, read, read. You'll be amazed at how much you'll learn.
 
I've been poly for almost 2 1/2 years.. a submissive for a little over a year.

If you have any questions.. I'm here

I agree that trust isnt immediate. I was friends with my Master for about 2-3 years before I became his submissive, so we had that trust to build on but our relationship did start online and is maintained mostly that way as we're in a LDR and I'm poly so I cant just move to be closer...
 
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I have just started exploring D/s in the past few months. I feel it's a part of me but just never had anyone to share this with.

It appears that it initially it starts with a few email volleys and then maybe a telephone conversation. Almost immediately, they are giving assignments with punishments if they are not followed to the letter. Is this the way the development of a D/s relationship unfolds? Am I crazy to think that I can't trust this person until I meet them? Why would I want to show commitment to someone and trust them when I don't know them? Or have I just run into a crazy bunch of Doms?

Can someone take some time to explain to me a safe way to explore this and not get in over my head? I would really appreciate it!
That is certainly not the standard, although you will find many Doms that do attempt to form relationships that way. I totally disagree with it myself as I am looking for something long term, but there are Doms that go straight for the e-mail--->phone-->meet--->play because they are looking at the steps before play as nothing but a means to an end. The search is long sometimes, it has been for me, but if you keep trying you see that not all Doms are this way and some want to develop more than a session.
 
To answer your first question, no. You are not crazy to be concerned about how quickly some people want to establish a 100% power exchange within an online relationship. You are entirely sane to want to know and trust someone before you submit to him or her in any way.

As for learning the way of bdsm...there is no one way. As for how to explore relationships that have a bdsm edge to them: do so in the same way that you would explore any other new relationship. Get to know one another and develop some trust before you take any risks with your heart, your mind, or your body.
 
Thank you all! If this was a one time occurence, I wouldn't give it another thought, but it just seems like the ones that I have spoken with want me to put myself out there for them immediately.

In my mind, any relationship takes time to develop. There just seems to be no time like the present with some!

When is a good time to discuss limits?
 
I have just started exploring D/s in the past few months. I feel it's a part of me but just never had anyone to share this with.

It appears that it initially it starts with a few email volleys and then maybe a telephone conversation. Almost immediately, they are giving assignments with punishments if they are not followed to the letter. Is this the way the development of a D/s relationship unfolds? Am I crazy to think that I can't trust this person until I meet them? Why would I want to show commitment to someone and trust them when I don't know them? Or have I just run into a crazy bunch of Doms?

Can someone take some time to explain to me a safe way to explore this and not get in over my head? I would really appreciate it!

Well unfortunately, it seems that a lot of online relationships start (and usually end quickly) this way. It's not a safe or smart way but, it does occur. I guess, although I've never met one, there a lot of people online who want to be jerks and don't understand what Domming means. Or at least, their definition of Domming is what you described above. I think most would agree that is not standard or preferable Dom behavior.

(But Lord knows, I don't want to be offending anyone's definition of Domination, submission, Lincoln Logs or the weather.)

If someone asked my advice, I'd tell them to avoid this kind of immediate verbal/text interaction with a potential Dominant. My personal successess (i.e. the lasting friendships I have with a few certain Dom/mes) all started as friendships. Happily for me, almost all are still my friends... some online and some in real life.
 
Thank you all! If this was a one time occurence, I wouldn't give it another thought, but it just seems like the ones that I have spoken with want me to put myself out there for them immediately.

In my mind, any relationship takes time to develop. There just seems to be no time like the present with some!

When is a good time to discuss limits?

Welcome!

Online relationships are difficult to say the least. I have to ask first of all, do you WANT an online only D/s relationship? Or do you want one that will go into real time?

The sorts of people you are talking about abound on the internet but for the most part don't actually know much about BDSM and don't want to go to real life at all.

A good time to discuss limits is really anytime in my book. Don't be surprised if a lot of these types say, "You must not be a REAL sub." They say shit like that in an attempt to control you. However someone who is truly into BDSM will want to know what your hard and soft limits are.

You should also want to know what theirs are.

I believe that except for demos, Pros and volunteering, most BDSM should come after a relationship has been established. That's the way I'd have to do it but then other's might feel differently.
 
I have just started exploring D/s in the past few months. I feel it's a part of me but just never had anyone to share this with.

It appears that it initially it starts with a few email volleys and then maybe a telephone conversation. Almost immediately, they are giving assignments with punishments if they are not followed to the letter. Is this the way the development of a D/s relationship unfolds? Am I crazy to think that I can't trust this person until I meet them? Why would I want to show commitment to someone and trust them when I don't know them? Or have I just run into a crazy bunch of Doms?

Can someone take some time to explain to me a safe way to explore this and not get in over my head? I would really appreciate it!

Hello Gem,

I have also recently moved towards BDSM as a potential lifestyle choice, hoping to fulfil my desires. It initially seemed ludicrously simple, ...
"I want to Dominate someone.....the world is overflowing with women who want to submit.....must be like shooting fish in a barrel !"

Oh boy, how wrong that was. After some hideously embarrassing e mails and IMs I knew I had to research the matter far more if it meant anything to me at all, or give it up as a waste of time if I was just looking for kinky fun.
I suspect that the "Doms" you were in contact with were of the type who were just looking for fast, convenient, online gratification from someone who they could boss round easily..."Show me your pussy slut!" etc.
To me, it would be almost impossible to truly Dominate anyone that you had no idea of their likes and loathes, what they fear, what might turn them on. Also with so much of the lifestyle involving giving or receiving pain at some stage, I feel that it is crucially important to have complete trust and confidence that safe words and limits (both hard and soft) are going to be scrupulously adhered to. Again, this is not something that can occur in a a couple of e mails.

I think there is no harm in the idea of an online "quickie" if both parties are aware of what they are doing, and both know the score....almost everyone masturbates, and a little help never hurts :)
But for the real thing of a genuinely Dominant/submissive relationship then there is going to be no "Go directly past GO and collect $200" ticket....and you are going to go through a heck of a lot of frogs before any Prince turns up (Unless you are VERY lucky)

My advice, for what it is worth from someone also new to the life, is to keep trying, your radar will get more sensitive to who you DON'T want to relate to as you get more experienced. Your submission is something to be HIGHLY valued, not something that any jerkoff who want's it can get just for asking.
Take your time, get to know the person as well as you can, then YOU can decide if and when they have EARNED your submission.

Of course, this is just my point of view, I totally accept others may differ, and as to whether it is correct only time will tell as I too am still searching for the right someone :D

Good Luck!
:kiss:
 
I am never really sure of the polite way to link the thread below : vagueangst :

It's far too damn brilliant to ignore .

No inference implied towards your current relationship gem525, though you may recall parts that you assimilate in the future and they in turn may serve you well .

Best of luck:rose:

New Sub Haven Thread Link
 
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I'm going to post this and then EG is gonna come in with a useful link, but some of us have never had any luck at all meeting partners online and do much better with people we meet the old fashioned way, set up on dates by our friends, LOL. Where can you make kinked friends? At your local munch, if you happen to live in an area with one. Or you can go stag to a big scary leather event which isn't that scary at all, and you will leave with new friends and email addresses of people you can put a face to the name of.

I'm also poly, and met about 5-10 quality playmates, a slave, a lover and a husband without meeting any of them online first. And I don't live in NYC, SF, or anywhere that exotic.

People TEND not to walk up to one another, extend a hand, and say "You will go pantiless for ME now!" The same things you like about a person before you decided to look for a partner into SM all apply, people get into trouble when they *forget* those criteria because they want to be owned, or beaten, or own someone.

Some people will dismiss the live leather scene as fluff and nonsense, but whatever works. I've had MUCH better mileage this way.
 
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I am never really sure of the polite way to link the thread below : vagueangst :

It's far too damn brilliant to ignore .

No inference implied towards your current relationship gem525, though you may recall parts that you assimilate in the future and they in turn may serve you well .

Best of luck:rose:

New Sub Haven Thread Link

*giggles* That is a great thread rebecca. The first few pages had me rolling! I'm sorry to see that Johnny M doesn't post anymore, he seemed like a great guy.:rose:
 
All submissives should be required to take at least a 3 month course before they put themselves out there as looking for a Dom. Finding a Dom on the internet is a little like playing Russian roulette with 4 bullets in the chamber. You might hook on to a good one. Or you might wake up on Sunday morning to find him gone and searching for his next piece of ass. Or worse. Some have gotten the shit beat out of them and not in a good way. Some have been killed and stuffed into 55 gallon drums.

You should start out be defining exactly what it is you are looking for in a relationship. That will eliminate many right off the top. Learn what the red flags are. Trust your instincts. Remember that on the internet you really don't know who you are talking to.



I've always thought a sub mentoring program would be good here. We have so many wise submissives here. Let them pair of with ladies like the OP just to bounce ideas off of. Some things she might be hesitant to post publicly if she thinks her potential Dom might find.

I've had some lasting relationships that did begin fast but it was always 6 to 8weeks before we met in person.
 
Thank you all! If this was a one time occurence, I wouldn't give it another thought, but it just seems like the ones that I have spoken with want me to put myself out there for them immediately.

In my mind, any relationship takes time to develop. There just seems to be no time like the present with some!

When is a good time to discuss limits?


I would not bother with someone like you have described, but like ADR says, I don;t wish to offend and for some it seems perfect. It all comes down to your ultimate goal. If the ultimate goal is just to get sex and/or be able to say you have your own PYL/pyl, it might work for the time it takes not to. If looking for something more long term, as you suspect, just as in any relationship, it takes time to get to a point of feeling trust and being able to submit in any way beyond playing. Submission for most of us who take it seriously as a relationship choice comes from deep inside, and is not given to just anyone who demands it or claims to be Dominant...it's not that easy.

And this leads to your question of when to discuss limits. For me it was always something discussed at least on an exloratory level early in the communication as it gave an indication of whether we were on the same page or looking for something alien to what we could give each other. For me it lead to a progression, or an agreement to just remain friends or nothing at all. Some get to a point where they feel deeper feeling s for the other before discovering their limits and goals clash badly. That puzzles me as matching in some way which nurtures feelings requires at least sharing a common interest in D/s limits. Perhaps it also is because I don't like to over complicate and confuse things...wastes too much energy and time. Good luck with sifting through the emails and finding the gold that will provide the perfect support and safety for gem.:)

Catalina:catroar:
 
I'm going to post this and then EG is gonna come in with a useful link, but some of us have never had any luck at all meeting partners online and do much better with people we meet the old fashioned way, set up on dates by our friends, LOL. Where can you make kinked friends? At your local munch, if you happen to live in an area with one. Or you can go stag to a big scary leather event which isn't that scary at all, and you will leave with new friends and email addresses of people you can put a face to the name of.

I'm also poly, and met about 5-10 quality playmates, a slave, a lover and a husband without meeting any of them online first. And I don't live in NYC, SF, or anywhere that exotic.

Wow, major agreement from me on this. I live in the Bible Belt and I've had no real trouble finding cheerful, lovely bottoms to play with, and a few that qualify as more, or wanted more.

Kinky people are all over the place. You just have to figure out how to find them.

People TEND not to walk up to one another, extend a hand, and say "You will go pantiless for ME now!" The same things you like about a person before you decided to look for a partner into SM all apply, people get into trouble when they *forget* those criteria because they want to be owned, or beaten, or own someone.

Some people will dismiss the live leather scene as fluff and nonsense, but whatever works. I've had MUCH better mileage this way.

I'm boggled by that "online>live" attitude. As much as I enjoy the online interaction here, I vastly prefer face to face, and best place for that, IMO, is live leather of some sort.

Get with a munch group, check out leather groups, and hit fetishy spots like goth bars and the like. You'll find people.

If LDR is your thing though, remember the mighty power of the Off Button. While I may deride it in some threads, the Off Button is your best friend in LDR. Be careful with your info, and turn off the computer if it gets too freaky.
 
Thank you all for taking the time to help me embark on what I hope to be an amazing journey.

I love the idea of a mentoring program as it certainly would help me sort thru my thoughts and feelings as I move along. I do realize that everyone's experiences are subjective but since you all have been where I am, I trust that you will help me recognize what is safe and what is just crazy.
 
Read this it may help you a bit. NO... any supposed "Dom" who insists upon your immediate trust and/or obedience it not really a Dom at all. Not a decient one anyway. They can call themselves anything they wish, but that does not make them what they choose to call themselves. Trust should be earned first, then is built and continues to build throughout a relationship. Don't give it lightly.

The following is a composite profile of an Online Predator. This
profile was compiled by a number of submissive women for the use of submissive
women. It is written from the perspective of a submissive female whose nature
requires her to respond to a dominant male.

Definition:

The Online Predator is one who uses the mechanisms of cyber space to hunt
human beings with the intent to exploit, rob, plunder and pillage
their body, mind, heart and soul.

Characteristics of a Predator:

1. Liar: ( Self explanatory )
2. Deceiver: His self situation is presented as other than what it is.
3. Betrayer: He is likely to break trust.
4. Insecure: He is worried that others will be faithless.
5. Inconsistent: He will say one thing while doing another.
6. Lacking Honor: Usually while protesting that he has honor.
7. Lack of Respect: He will tend to denigrate others.
8. Transient: He is unlikely to have many long term friends.
9. Manipulator: He calculates and contrives for his own benefit to
the detriment of his partner.
10. Secretive: He will tend to cloak himself and his activities.
11. Charming: If he could not steal your breath away, he would not
12. Selective: He will pick victims carefully, looking for
13. Chameleon: He will appear to fit any need perfectly and adapt to
fill any desire.
14. Lacking in Self Control: Although at times, he may have
extraordinary self control and discipline self control and discipline
self control and discipline.

A predator probably exhibits these characteristics in all aspects
of his life. It may be that the only place the predator seems to have honor and
value Truth is in the Relationship he is developing with his victim.
when developing a new relationship, a submissive should make a conscious
effort to observe her partners interaction with others, not just how he
interacts with her. The predator may well reveal his true self through his
interactions. But, the submissive may only see this revelation if she is committed
to taking every precaution for her own safety.


Predator Warning Signals:

While any of these phrases or actions may be acceptable in a given
context, pay close attention when seeing or hearing them. Phrases:

1. Do not tell .
2. (XXXXXXX ) is crazy ! ( or psycho, sick, a liar, or out to get me )
3. It would be best if you no longer spoke to .
4. I do not need to defend myself against lies.
5. They are just jealous ( of me, of us, of what we have, that you
have me ).

Actions:

1 May seldom be in the D/s chat rooms. Operates from other areas or
private rooms.
2 Has personal information which is incomplete or not verifiable.
3 Becomes defensive or angry when questioned.
4. Questions the sincerity of the submissive when questioned.
5. He will usually discourage or forbid the practice of reference
6. He will usually discourage or forbid the use of Safe Calls.
7 The submissive Personal Warning Signals:

These are items that a submissive should pay attention to if she is
Saying them to her self or hearing them from others.

1. I feel he is just too good to be true.
2. You are hearing consistent warnings from more that one person.
3. Your instincts are whispering something is not right about this
person.

Summary:

The final best defense any submissive has against an Online Predator
Is her own common sense and judgment. The submissive should always remember
that desires, needs, and the heat of the moment can combine to drown that
judgment. Always take a moment to step back, take a deep breath and
look at a potential partner with common sense and not with passion

What is a "Red Flag"?

A "Red Flag" is any indication that you should steer clear of a
particular person, either Dom/me or sub. These can pop up at any time, though
most often in the beginning of a potential relationship. They can be obvious or they can
be subtle.

Some common examples might be:

1 Inappropriate questions or comments during the initial conversations, such
as do you want to play? or what are you wearing? or what do you look like?
Or, asking for your phone number immediately, etc. Such questions
Have nothing at all to do with D/s, but rather indicate the person is looking for
cyber or phone sex.

2 Moving too quickly: if the prospective Dom/me or sub seems to be
In a hurry to begin a relationship, or to advance it faster than seems
reasonable or comfortable for you. Like if they want to meet you within the
First 10 minutes online. Trust is the cornerstone. and cannot be rushed.
clearly, there is no arbitrary time frame, but most long-lasting relationships
take several weeks if not months to build before actual contact.

3 Inappropriate attitude: "bow down and worship me" those who act as
if every submissive must obey every so-called Dom, and begin giving or
obeying orders from the word go. Or those who have the idea that each and
every Tom, Dick, and Harry must be addressed as Sir, whether they know them or
not. Many subs in the chat rooms do this, but respect is worth little if
it is so lightly given. Both of these attitudes and practices show a poor
understanding of the true dynamics of Dominance and submission.

4 Safety violations: reluctance to have a safe word or other safety
precautions in place, either during the first meeting or later. Run.

5 Lack of communication: if your potential partner is reluctant to
Discuss something with you, pay attention. Likewise, and equally serious, if
you are told directly or indirectly, that you may not discuss something with
others, or may not talk to someone else, or may not go to a particular area,
be careful. Trying to "gag" someone is a sign that something is wrong.

6 A persistent bad reputation: or unwillingness to give references.
this can be tricky if the person you are talking to is new online, but it is still a
red flag. Or perhaps a yellow one.

7 Trashing ex-partners. When someone is constantly talking about
Their ex publicly in the chat rooms and on bb's, i.e., trying to ruin their
rep, try to keep in mind that you might be their "ex" someday and be subjected
to such treatment if things do not go the way they want. This is something
that both Dom/mes and subs are frequently guilty of. Warning others of
potential danger from an ex-partner is obviously a different case.

8 Frequent inconsistencies. If someone often makes contradictory statements
from one day to the next, like Mon. tells you s/he has no children,
then on Fri., mentions his/her son's birthday or something. If a person often
seems to have a lot of trouble remembering what they have said to you from
one day
to the next, it could be that they are telling a lot of people a lot of
different things. Just in general, I would encourage anyone to really
try to get to know someone before making a final judgment on their
character. However, caution and common sense should always rule. If you have
doubts, do
not give out personal information. You can still talk to this person, but be
careful.



And please, trust that GUT INSTINCT.
 
Adakgirl, this is useful info. You might want to link to the site it came off of (if it came from a website), both to give the person the ability to read the original info, and to give credit to the compilers.

Solid info regardless.
 
1. I feel he is just too good to be true.
2. You are hearing consistent warnings from more that one person.
3. Your instincts are whispering something is not right about this
person.

Your instinct is your best friend. I've learned the hard way not to push down those little naggings in your brain. Never think you are too smart to fall for any of the BS that is doled out. Many predators excel at charming and have an answer at the ready for every inconsistency you point out. If I had listened to mine I wouldn't even be living where I am now. Looking back I wonder how I could have overlooked the blatant signs. I have learned to look at it as part of my journey and a lesson I needed to learn. I have grown from what I went through, but it wasn't easy. I can honestly say it took me years to be able to tell someone I trust them. C'est la vie.

Excellent information Adakgirl. It should be sent to everyone posting saying they are a newbie.
 
Trust your instincts.

I am no veteran btw...

But I have to say trust your gut feelings mostly...

I have met good people, both online and off...

Just trust your feelings and instincts... If you have a feeling about someone, listen to it.

I have people I talk to online that are ten times more trustworthy than the man I live with, and I had feelings about him that I ignored...

We have to be very careful when we naturally strive to be pleasing that we do not be loyal to the wrong one...

Be so very careful, and best of luck to you...
 
I would hate to leave Netzach hanging after such a nice build up, so here are the obligatory "To find local Munches, email groups, and events in your area, try:" links:

SceneUSA - http://www.darkheart.com/sceneusa.html

Caryl's Page - http://www.drkdesyre.com/

The BDSM Events Page - http://www.thebdsmeventspage.com/ which has links to both organizations AND events.

gem525 said:
Thank you all! If this was a one time occurence, I wouldn't give it another thought, but it just seems like the ones that I have spoken with want me to put myself out there for them immediately.

In my mind, any relationship takes time to develop. There just seems to be no time like the present with some!

When is a good time to discuss limits?

The operative words are already there, darlin...
"...want me to put out for them immediately. "

If someone pushes for your surrender or submission before establishing a trusting relationship with you (trust works both ways after all!), don't walk away, RUN.

They may use many names online. The community calls them HNG's (Horney Net Geeks), trolls, predators, users, players (not the good kind), wankers. They call themselves Master, Mistress, Dominant, Lady, Lord... They may offer to "guide" you, "show you the ropes", or "mentor" you.

A mentor is a friend, a teacher, a guide. A mentor is someone you can ask questions of and get straight, honest answers. A mentor is NOT your lover, your Master or Mistress, your boss. They are NOT a mentor if they get pissy when you ask questions. They are NOT a mentor if they start demanding you cam with them, have sex or SM play with them. They are NOT a mentor if they start trying to hook you up with another submissive so you can "explore your bi-sexual curiousity..."

*sighs*

I hope you have more luck with making friends in the lifestyle in your future. And of those friendships, perhaps something more will develop. The best finds are the one's you stumble across by accident... :D

And when to talk about limits? ? ? Just as soon as the subject of obedience to instructions and/or play or sex is mentioned.

'Nuff Said!
 
Thank you all for sharing your insight with me about how to approach this exciting journey. Funny how something can be exciting and a little scary at the same time, but that is what makes it worth pursuing! I don't want to leave this world with any regrets.......
 
I have just started exploring D/s in the past few months. I feel it's a part of me but just never had anyone to share this with.

It appears that it initially it starts with a few email volleys and then maybe a telephone conversation. Almost immediately, they are giving assignments with punishments if they are not followed to the letter. Is this the way the development of a D/s relationship unfolds? Am I crazy to think that I can't trust this person until I meet them? Why would I want to show commitment to someone and trust them when I don't know them? Or have I just run into a crazy bunch of Doms?

Can someone take some time to explain to me a safe way to explore this and not get in over my head? I would really appreciate it!
I don't really have time to read through all the responses, and I would bet that most of this has already appeared, but ... just in case:

"Almost immediately, they are giving assignments with punishments if they are not followed to the letter. Is this the way the development of a D/s relationship unfolds?"

No. This is the way the development of a pseudo-D/s HNG relationship unfolds.

"Am I crazy to think that I can't trust this person until I meet them?"

No, or at least have extended online conversations, phone conversations, etc., until you feel they have earned your trust - and even then, with strong reservations unless you plan for the relationship to always be online only.

"Why would I want to show commitment to someone and trust them when I don't know them?"

I don't know you, so I don't know why you'd want to do that - but I wouldn't, with the same sort of 'rest of the response' the same as the immediately preceding response.

"Or have I just run into a crazy bunch of Doms?"

It sounds more like you've run into the usual bunch of HNGs that pile on to every hopeful pyl they run into with the hope they (the HNGs) can get you to give them a whole bunch of wanking material.

"Can someone take some time to explain to me a safe way to explore this and not get in over my head?"

Slowly. Read here a lot. Talk to people here. Ask questions about things that particularly interest you. Read here a lot more. Talk to people here a lot more. Ask more questions. Find a local/semi-local group that holds regular munches and begin attending to meet some local folks. (Note: If you get vibes that someone at a munch is "off" of your desires, but is pushing you to start a relationship, don't let yourself give in just because you want the real-life experience. In other words, don't "settle.")

Good luck.
 
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