New submissive looking for some advise

[FdiskIt's pet]

To all out there.


i'm looking for advice so i can be an excellent sub for my Dom. What is normally expected of a submissive. and more importantly how can i please my dominant and make him happy everytime. I've never done this before. i know this lifestyle is for me i'm eager to jump right into it but i do not understand the lifestyle fully i need your help.


thank you all

 

[KillerMuffin]

Is this an online or real life Dom?

 

[cymbidia]

Hello FdiskIt's pet, and welcome to the BDSM Forum.

Welcome To The BDSM Forum
http://www.literotica.com/forum/sho...&threadid=81138

Safe, Sane & Consensual
http://www.literotica.com/forum/sho...&threadid=70084

The Online Predator
http://www.literotica.com/forum/sho...&threadid=81203

We made the above threads stickies so that new people would read them! Go read!


If you're new to BDSM, a good literature search might serve you well as a starting point. Here, try this thread for some good links: Good Info Sites For Those Just Coming To BDSM http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=73517

Additionally, we don't know your Dominant. You do. Listen. Ask questions. Find out what is most important to him/her in terms of your service and submission. What's good for you in your relationship might not have much to do with what's right for me.

Perhaps you and your Dominant would like to fill out one of the many online checklists? Afterwards, it's often helpful to talk very openly about your choices. http://www.ds-haven.com/choosechecklist.html

Again, welcome to the BDSM forum. I look forward to watching you grow into an awareness of yourself with regard to this way of being.

cym

 

[FdiskIt's pet]

Re:killermuffin

yes it is a real life dom who i live with fulltime and thank you for replying.

 

[FdiskIt's pet]

Re: killermuffin

please tell me all u know about submission so i can be a perfect sub for my dom.

 

[KillerMuffin]

I really stuck my foot in my mouth, didn't I. I didn't mean to be rude, I'm sorry.

I don't know how to become a perfect sub. As far as I can see there is no such thing.

I will tell you this, though, being a submissive doesn't mean being a doormat. You still have a will you simply choose to align it with his will.

Being a good sub is also making sure that your communication is open. If you have a need, fear, want, or anything you should be able to discuss it with your Dom. In fact s/he should be able to reasonably expect you to be forthcoming with what your needs, fears, wants, or other are. Doms cannot read minds.

One thing you might want to consider is to take it relatively slow. Submission is about pushing limits. As a beginner you have smaller limits and pushing them too far too fast will be rather detrimental. You still have the rest of your lives to be BDSM.



Oh, and have fun.

 

[FdiskIt's pet]

Re:killermuffin

No you were not rude it is good to ask questions not assume. I've never been to into other sexual fields-but i'm very open to this one-There seems to be a lot to take in-my Dom has had a little experience with BDSM in another relationship like spanking, cat of ninetails, if i haven't made a mistake is that a small part of BDSM.? I feel he-My Dom is going a little fast for me. I just recently had a baby and i'm a little shy when it comes to showing off my body. because i'm a little over weight because of the pregnancy. and i don't feel sexy so it is hard for me to come over that do you have any suggestions on this like how to feel more comfortable being naked.? he is a very Dom man and i feel sad sometimes when he looks at other women do you feel i'm being immature when it comes to that and what is your feeling on this matter.? Thank you so much again for responding to me.

 

[Richard49]

Re: Re: killermuffin

please tell me all u know about submission so i can be a perfect sub for my dom.

If you are a "natural" sub you will be as perfect a sub
as he is a dom.

Richard
Dom in Michigan

 

[Desdemona]

I'm relatively new to this but

I agree with Cym; go and read on some of the sites she mentioned. Being well informed is always helpful. That said, the way to be a perfect sub is to find out how your Dom defines "perfect sub". As Richard49, inferred, your Dom will play a large role in helping you develop as his "perfect sub".

Remember, no two relationships are alike. All the advice in the world is just that.... advice. Good luck and enjoy yourself.

 

[RisiaSkye]

F's pet: there are two strains to your questions, so I'll address them separately.

1) "perfect" submission: cymbidia gave you an excellent list of places to start looking for information, so I'd definitely echo her suggestion that you check those things out. However, don't lock yourself into thinking that there's a model for "the perfect sub" that you can cast yourself into to meet your Dom's desires. Submission, like all of sex and personality, is a highly personal thing.

In my way of thinking, the best thing you can do as a start is consider your own needs and desires, try to figure out what submission does for you and how you best flower within it. What do you find most fulfilling about it, in your (limited) experience, and in your thoughts and fantasies about it? Do you enjoy extreme sensations (masochism) or not? Do you wish to serve in non-sexual contexts or not? How *much* power do you wish to give your partner, and what do you need in return? Etc. Knowledge of self is your best friend here.

During (and after) your exploration of these things, keep the lines of communciation open with your Dominant. Express your desires, your fantasies, your fears, and your limits. Let him/her know how much you want to be the best sub you can, and that you're eager to grow in your submission. Seek their help and guidance in exploring this aspect of yourself, and hopefully your honesty will encourage the Dom/me partner to be equally open and honest about their needs, desires, and expectations.

2) insecurity and jealousy: This isn't unique to BDSM, or to women, and it's a perfectly valid concern. If you don't feel sexy and desired, it's very difficult to open yourself to another in the intimate and trusting ways necessary to fully explore your power exchange. The process of coming to terms with your body is difficult for many of us, and the changes that come with childbearing just make that whole thing more difficult. In short, body image anxiety is a real bitch.

Sometimes just knowing you're not alone helps, so let me tell you this: believe me, on this issue, I totally understand your struggle. I'm a former child model who's now an overweight but still young woman. Add to this the facts that I live in a beach community full of hardbodies, and that my husband is a young, attractive, outrageously flirtatious bartender at a beach resort for the fashionable wealthy, and you start to get a picture of my own struggles with body image, trust, and jealousy.

Know that no body is perfect. The extra weight you're carrying doesn't make you less of a woman, less of a sexual being, or less worthy of sexual interest and respect. If it really bothers you, you can (of course) work to change your body. It is, however, a slow process. In the meantime, you must make peace with the body you're in. Once you make peace with it, you'll be more able to get excited about being naked, less likely to worry about your partner looking elsewhere, and more comfortable with your sexuality as it develops in this new way.

There are two ways to improve this situation. First, you must find your confidence. A self-assured person carries with them a certain charisma that is difficult or impossible to replicate. If you believe, truly believe, that you're desireable--you are. It sounds ridiculous, but it works. Attraction is largely visual, yes. But, you can do a lot with yourself, at any size. Dress to accentuate your best assets. Wear clothes that make you feel comfortable and appealing. Make yourself up in ways that you feel good about, and that will appeal to your partner. Stand tall, make eye contact, let the world around you know that you deserve their attention and respect. Just because you're submissive doesn't mean that you can't command attention, that you can't *own* a room in that special way that goes beyond looks. If you feel good about yourself, not only will your partner notice you more, you'll likely find you have less anxiety about your mate. The boost to your ego will make it much easier to relax about your partner's enjoyment of eye candy.

Second, you have to trust. I know of no way to keep roaming eyes from examining appealing flesh. That doesn't mean, though, that your partner doesn't desire you or that they will be/are unfaithful. In one sense, the emotional progress you make in this arena will help you to become a better sub and will help solidify your relationship. Trust is intrinsic to what we do in BDSM relationships; trust must be the foundation, trust is also what will get you past your insecurity and its manifestation as jealousy. Unless you have real concrete reason to suspect them, you have to place a good deal of trust in the bonds between the two of you in your relationship. If this person has a wandering eye, it's a part of them, and you aren't going to change it. At the end of the day, however, no matter who they're looking at and what those people look like, s/he comes home to you. Clearly, then, they desire and value you, enough to build a life together.

Sorry to go on for so long. But, I hope in all of this that you find something useful to you.

And, by the way, welcome to Lit & to the BDSM Talk forum. Stick around for a while, we're nice folks. ~~

Best,
RS

 

[Desdemona]

body image

RisiaSkye makes very good points about body image. The only thing I can add is a question or two. How do you know he doesn't find you attractive just as you are? Have you discussed this with him?
I know its a hard subject to bring up when you're already feeling insecure, but it is a good thing to discuss. I had a few concerns about my own physical imperfections before my Dom saw me naked. We discussed my concerns and he put my mind at ease. The fact that I was willing to trust him enough to discuss those things that I felt vulnerable about actually brought us closer together. This difficult (for me) discussion strengthened the trust between us.

One other thought: My observation is that men tend to be much more forgiving of our physical imperfections than we are.

 

[Trainerman]

a quick point on the 'body image' question

I have actually read a couple of articles based on good research that indicate that the highest percentage of men polled preferred a more 'voluptious' figure.
I am in that group myself. okay, personally I don't go for those styled BBW but have had a couple of girlfriends who were (by the 'media' yardstick) a little overweight. I thought they were lovely !
So, as earlier suggested, he may be more comfortable with your body than you are. Why not discuss it...you may well end up feeling a lot more positive.

 

[Richard49]

body image

body image is an issue with men also including Doms.

 

[dark whisper]

rambling here again... sorry!

hmmm... body image is one of the hardest things to overcome. Watching the One you feel close to showing appreciation for another whose body looks like it can step out of vogue is very, very difficult.

A pat on the head and a "but I'm going home with you" is not enough to... mmm... redress those issues, and until one has an understanding of their own worth, all it does is make matters worse.

As do those very well intentioned "you have such a pretty face" and "if you wanted to do something about it, you could".

I am not a small woman in any way. I stand an inch over six foot, and am neither obese nor thin -- but I've been this size since I was twelve, and it's only been recently when I was able to feel more secure. I'm still not totally there, and when I strip down to thong and bra (or just thong, or nothing) at a play party or where there are others who have a more societally acceptable perfection of form, I struggle.

We, as humans and particularly women (more submissives than Dommes, I think) have been taught from a very early age to hide our sexuality and bodies... implying that there is something wrong with showing what God has given to us -- but take a look at what IS shown.... thin women with "perfect" bodies and faces.

Real people have flaws, strengths, weaknesses, and a beauty unmeasured by perceptions of others.

How can you be a perfect submissive? You can't. You can, however, but the best submissive for HIM... and that's all that really matters.

Do some reasearch, and read everything you can get your hands on. Speak with others and always, ALWAYS, take only what makes sense to you -- discarding the rest until a time where you have more under your belt and things start making sense.

Och... I'm sorry, I'm rambling again.

Good luck...

dark whisper

 

[Richard49]

dark whisper

You are 6'1"? WOW !!!!!

Personally I love tall women............and have never been with one cause my 5'6" is considered by them as to short.......

 

[Shadowsdream]

the first step to perfect submission in My eyes is PRIDE...

Pride in yourself..the unique you...the you that only you can be.

 

[Richard49]

the first step to perfect submission in My eyes is PRIDE...

Pride in yourself..the unique you...the you that only you can be.

I am not sure I would use the word pride but I agree with this concept.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Richard49

Agreement is never necessary but it would interest Me to see what word you would choose.

 

[Richard49]

Richard49

Agreement is never necessary but it would interest Me to see what word you would choose.

Self ownership

How can you give yourself to another
if you first do not own yourself ?

 

[blueyedheartbandit]

Well now......

to start at the beginning, i understand where you are coming from. I am a six foot tall woman and have given birth to three marvelous girls. my problem was the same as yours, i am not a "perfect size 5", never have been never will be. But the One i am with loves my body, and he has taught me to appreciate what God gave me. everyone looks, as was stated before, "eye candy" is appealing to everyone, but look closer at Him, does his eyes not often go to you, do you see his appreciation in your body, in the way you look, the way you carry yourself? my Master is a very loving, conscientious man, yes, he looks, but i KNOW he loves me, and my body. Great advice has been posted here, one of the major steps in BDSM is trust, talk to your One, tell him your thoughts, your feelings. You would be suprised, i'm sure, to find out that perhaps he has the same feelings about himself. Be strong in who you are, in what you are you ARE a beautiful woman who has given the greatest gift of all, her heart. The media portrays women in a certain way, but anybody could look like the magazine girls if they had access to their make-up artists, stylists and such...have you ever seen Cindy Crawford without her make-up?? She looks totally different. So don't let the "pin-up" girls make you feel less of a woman, you are unique in your beauty, as we all are

 

[FdiskIt]

Re: blueyedheartbandit

Very well put!

Thank You.