New submission (heehee)

[christcat69]

Hey everyone, I just submitted this one a few days ago. Please tell me what you think of it. An Unsavory Affair

Much gratitude for feedback guys

I feel cold and desolate, and inside there is a storm brewing.

 

[WickedEve]

For starters...

Your first stanza:

“Anything you ask of me, I’ll gladly do,” you say,
When I ask, you roll your eyes, “No time today.”
Do you see the little things I need or don’t you care?
If you do see, is it because you have no time to spare?
I do everything myself, just like in the past,
And I wonder if our love will last.
No one has ever shown me that they truly love me,
They know that I will give up all for them and end up neglecting me.
It’s “whatever you want” from your lips but when I ask, you elude.
You make me feel helpless when you expend that unsavory attitude.
I cannot give two hundred percent to our relationship, as I only have one.
If you cannot find the time to give more, I’ll be gone.

Have you thought about cutting some words out? Here's an example:

"Ask and it's yours," you say.
I ask, but “No time today.”
I have needs; don’t you care?
Do you have no time to spare?
Do it alone, like in the past,
Wondering if our love will last.

You've treated me neglectfully.
Have you even truly loved me?
Ask for attention, you elude.
Helpless against your attitude.
I give you more than anyone.
Give me more, or I am gone.

 

[christcat69]

Hello Eve

I think your thoughts on the writing were great. I had many things swirling around in that mind of mine. Thanks Eve, or do you prefer Wicked?

 

[WickedEve]

Re: Hello Eve

I think your thoughts on the writing were great. I had many things swirling around in that mind of mine. Thanks Eve, or do you prefer Wicked?

I'll most likely respond to either.
Here's a list of appropriate names:
Wicked
Eve
WE
Goddess
Sexy

 

[christcat69]

ooh... what about mistress or dominatrix? or Wicked Mistress?

 

[Goodguy2]

I liked it....

Hi Cat,

I liked it a lot. WE had some good suggestions but it still got the point across.

Good writing,

GG

 

[christcat69]

Thanks GG. Always love good feedback. I'm glad you liked it.

Float freely. Life's too short to keep both feet on the ground all the time.