New Submission / First Story

[Almontiago2]

Hey Everyone,

Here's my very first story. It's a bsdm one:
http://www.literotica.com/s/start-without-me

Please let me know what you think. Thanks.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Hey Everyone,

Here's my very first story. It's a bsdm one:
http://www.literotica.com/s/start-without-me

Please let me know what you think. Thanks.

Some comments:

Vicki didn't know why she bothered. If she had known, she wouldn't have spent so much time on her outfit.

She arrived at Simon's place a little after sunset, so she wasn't too worried the neighbors would spot her in her slutty clothes. But... just to be safe, she put on a long skirt and overcoat as camouflage. She used the key Simon gave her last night and stepped inside the duplex.

Starting in media res and then flashing back to the beginning can be an effective way of tantalising readers from the start.

But to me this intro was more confusing than tantalising. There's not enough to it - I'm left scratching my head, trying to figure out why she "didn't know why she bothered". At first I thought it might be because Simon wasn't there when she arrived, and only much later did I find out it was because he'd left instructions to undress. IMHO this would work better if you'd included that instruction at the start (or just skipped the first two sentences).

The other cause of confusion here is tense. Because the second paragraph is describing events BEFORE the first paragraph, it should probably at least begin in past perfect tense to make it clear that we're jumping back: "She had arrived at Simon's place a little after sunset" etc. Maintaining past perfect for a long time would feel awkward, but you don't have to; once you've established the flashback you can drift back into simple past.

There were a few other spots where the tense was jarring, e.g. I would amend to:

She sighed. All the cute work she'd done on her outfit, and now she was stripping out of it with no Simon in sight. She quickly stripped out of her Catholic schoolgirl outfit and stowed it in her overnight sack. Maybe tomorrow morning she'd model it for him.

Simon's notes start out being in quotes ("Last chance to back out") but then shift to unquoted text. Pick one and be consistent.

Constructions like "Walking over to the dining room table she fondly remembered being bent over and fucked over a few nights ago, she found a very simple note" can be hard to digest. For me it would be easier to parse as a parenthetical aside: "Walking over to the dining room table (the one where he'd bent her over and fucked her a few nights ago), she found a note". You don't need to say "very simple" when you're already giving the full text of the note.

I would have enjoyed it better if you'd spent a bit more time introducing the characters: aside from being a man and a woman who fuck one another, who are they? What are they like? How do they happen to know one another? I find erotica more interesting when I have some sense for who these people are, so it wasn't really my cup of tea. But that's a personal preference; I think there are plenty of other readers who'll be fine without that.

 

[chocolatecookie3]

There was not a lot of tension as she went through the boxes. I think you did ok establishing the characters and their history, but still there was a problem with why do I care? Why do I want to keep reading? Maybe showering her excitement and curiosity more would help.

 

[Almontiago2]

There was not a lot of tension as she went through the boxes. I think you did ok establishing the characters and their history, but still there was a problem with why do I care? Why do I want to keep reading? Maybe showering her excitement and curiosity more would help.

Thank you so much for your input! I'll definitely try to focus on tension with my next attempt. . Also I feel like the characters themselves were really flat and uninteresting. Maybe that's related problems...

But thanks again for taking the time. Best wishes.

 

[Almontiago2]

Wow this is feedback gold. . I'll have to spend some serious time going over your critique. (and not while I'm on my crappy mobile.). But I wanted to write a real quick thank you! You spent an amazing amount of time on my story and I really appreciate it!

Thanks so much! . I'll be back soon after I've had an opportunity to process it all.

Some comments:



Starting in media res and then flashing back to the beginning can be an effective way of tantalising readers from the start.

But to me this intro was more confusing than tantalising. There's not enough to it - I'm left scratching my head, trying to figure out why she "didn't know why she bothered". At first I thought it might be because Simon wasn't there when she arrived, and only much later did I find out it was because he'd left instructions to undress. IMHO this would work better if you'd included that instruction at the start (or just skipped the first two sentences).

The other cause of confusion here is tense. Because the second paragraph is describinig events BEFORE the first paragraph, it should probably at least begin in past perfect tense to make it clear that we're jumping back: "She had arrived at Simon's place a little after sunset" etc. Maintaining past perfect for a long time would feel awkward, but you don't have to; once you've established the flashback you can drift back into simple past.

There were a few other spots where the tense was jarring, e.g. I would amend to:



Simon's notes start out being in quotes ("Last chance to back out") but then shift to unquoted text. Pick one and be consistent.

Constructions like "Walking over to the dining room table she fondly remembered being bent over and fucked over a few nights ago, she found a very simple note" can be hard to digest. For me it would be easier to parse as a parenthetical aside: "Walking over to the dining room table (the one where he'd bent her over and fucked her a few nights ago), she found a note". You don't need to say "very simple" when you're already giving the full text of the note.

I would have enjoyed it better if you'd spent a bit more time introducing the characters: aside from being a man and a woman who fuck one another, who are they? What are they like? How do they happen to know one another? I find erotica more interesting when I have some sense for who these people are, so it wasn't really my cup of tea. But that's a personal preference; I think there are plenty of other readers who'll be fine without that.