New Sub looking for advice...

[ChaosMiko]

I just started "getting my feet wet" in the whole BDSM thing for a little while now. While I found some Dom's willing to give me advice (and a little online sample), I kind of rushed into a situation that put me a bit over my head.

I was looking for anyone interested in BDSM in my area and stumbled (tripped over) a Dom that seemed more than happy to take me under his wing. He wasn't local, but still professed his willingness to teach me. After a few emails ( I had found him on a different site) he gave me his number and told me to call him. We had briefly touched my concern over some of his interests, with me thinking that he understood my hesitance.

Over the course of the phonecall (which was mind blowing) I found myself agreeing with things almost instinctivly, despite hiccups of hesitation that I felt. Things I thought I wouldn't do for some time, or not without another person physically guilding me. He was reassuring me the whole time and what he had planned for the future *sounded* amazing... but when I thought about it I realized we were going much deeper and faster that I originally anticipated. (And I'm talking emotional) Permission to do anything he had not already lined out to me. A few kinks that *sounded* good but incredibly intimidating at the same time.

Ok, now that I've outlined the story, here's my questions. 1)Am I overreacting in thinking of backing off? 2)And if not, what would be a good way to tell him that his depth and intensity are intimidating me?

 

[CutieMouse]

If you don't feel comfortable, you need to tell him that. I'd suggest sitting down before the conversation, and making notes about what exactly you feel uncomfortable about, and why, so you can explain yourself clearly. Then y'all discuss where things went zinging off into "wow did I really agree to THAT?" land, and figure out what happens next.

 

[Chicklet]

one thing I'm always afraid of is agreeing to something that is on my "don't like" list because the other person is so persistant about it. It's so easy to agree when the person really wants it, and can make it sound harmless. But always, always, always after agreeing I feel sick to my stomach with anger at myself for agreeing to something that I sincerely don't want to do.

I suggest going over a list of things with your new Dom of things you don't want to do, and asking him/her to respect those limits. If they don't respect your limits, you might want to reconsider choosing that person to get your feet wet with.

 

[ChaosMiko]

Thanks, I really just needed to hear that I wasn't just becoming paranoid or that this was a reaction to having to admit to "sexual deviance". And your advice to write a list and talk it over with him have given me a few ideas to bring up next time I talk to him.

Thanks again.

(Further advice still welcome!)

 

[sepher8125]

hi

I've been talking with a sweet and sexy female for the last few days...for the first few conversations we talked about normal every day life and our interests, etc.

one thing we shared with each other during those conversations were our sexual interests.

When the time was right I exploded with a passionate fantasy about her...knowing her desires and her wants it was that much more erotic and comforting knowing she enjoyed the type of dominance and naughtiness I was sharing.

my suggestion would be that you both outline what you enjoy sexually, and what ways does a mans dominance or kiny games turn you on, and find what path he has in his mind that turns him on...I think you'll find as you discuss this the more comfortable it is to be more open minded about this new venture

 

[VelvetDarkness]

This Dom knows that you are new to all this and he professes to be experienced.

Remember though, one call does not an experienced Dom make.

If he's been honest about himself as a Dom, I would say he should be expecting you to be hesitant and have second thoughts about things. He cannot take your concerns into account if your don't voice them however. If, when you do, he has any problem whatsoever with slowing things down then he is absolutely NOT the kind of person you should be trusting yourself with.

I would say that it sounds possible that your willingness to follow his fantasy on the phone has sent him the wrong signals about where you're at with this emotionally. Most people fantasise and roleplay outside of their experience and current readiness for things because on the end of a phone you are completely safe to indulge your imagination. Explain to him that your fantasies don't correlate with what you're actually ready for right now and that you got swept away by the call. The likelihood is he'll be fine about it.

But if not, RUN!

 

[Marquis]

This guy is obviously an abuser!

Kidding, I'm only here to start trouble, just listen to what everyone else said.

 

[CutieMouse]

This guy is obviously an abuser!

Kidding, I'm only here to start trouble, just listen to what everyone else said.

You dork.

*laughing*

 

[Marquis]

You dork.

*laughing*

How dare you call Me a dork!

You're obviously not a REAL submissive.

 

[Kajira Callista]

How dare you call Me a dork!

You're obviously not a REAL submissive.

she cant be...i am the only real submissive in the universe at this point and they only allow one *real* position.





dork

 

[Marquis]

ChaosMiko, please look to these young ladies as an example of how NOT to behave when in the presence of a Dominant party.

 

[Kajira Callista]

ChaosMiko, please look to these young ladies as an example of how NOT to behave when in the presence of a Dominant party.

How come no one told me we were having a party?

 

[Marquis]

How come no one told me we were having a party?

Because you fail to capitalize My pronouns.

 

[Kajira Callista]

Because you fail to capitalize My pronouns.

Who me? *gasps* I would never do such a thing! *bats lashes*

 

[ChaosMiko]

*Skims over the last couple of posts and giggles*
Thanks for the tips, guys. I've got a good list of things written down to talk about and a short nap so I don't fall asleep in the middle of the conversation.

You've all been a help.

 

[mdavid_1964]

Respect and Trust are Essential

Respect and trust are the ties that bind both the Master and his submissive to each other. They are the cornerstones upon which a solid foundation can be built. Both respect and trust must be earned over time as the relationship and interdependence grows.

As others have mentioned communication about initial boundaries is essential between a novice sub and their Master. It's all part of the learning experience, and it should not be rushed into lightly.

When I give My sub instructions to follow that push her boundaries she knows and trusts that submitting to my desires is a sign of respect for Me, and that I have selected a task that will help her to grow in both experience and understanding. This requires patience on My part and trust on her part, but in the end both of us discuss everything before and after so the lesson is understood.

If I push My subs boundaries too far, and too quickly, then the gift of her submitting is wasted and unsatisfying for both of us.

David

 

[Ebonyfire]

Let me understand what you are saying.

You have had some emails, and one phone call? Or are there more than one phone call and have you talked about things over time (progressively). Have you met this person?

I have found that hesitation occurs when one feels events are moving too quickly.

What is the rush? If things are appearing to move too quickly, then perhaps they are. Discuss your need to slow things down, until you can really get to know this person.

Before you get in the same room with the person, before you commit to any activities, you should be sure that you understand what you have agreed to, and that you are ready for it. Do you trust this person?

If you are having second thoughts, that might your intuition trying to tell you something.

Eb

 

[ChaosMiko]

Ebonyfire-
Ah, emails and one phonecall. I realize now that I was too impulsive, leaping headlong into something before I really got a good look at it. A mix of second guessing myself and assumptions about the situation got me a bit further.

Luckily, I had found this discussion board as well as a few Doms in the chatroom willing to dispence advice. I ended up calling him and tried to talking it out with him, but just felt discomforted with the entire situation. So I told him that I thought he was too intense for me, a little too deep into things I wasn't ready to deal with quite yet.

I'd like to think we parted on good terms, despite my feeling bad about ending it. Not that I thought we'd get along well, but more of I felt I was letting him down by not being able to keep up. But then again, I've never been very good with confrontation, no matter how tame.

 

[mdavid_1964]

Nothing Ventured Is Nothing Gained

Sorry that you had to end it, but hopefully you have learned something important about yourself from the experience. To be a good sub you must have a comfort level and bond with your Master that goes beyond what you have ever felt with a man before. Always remember that when one door closes, another one opens somewhere else. I wish you the best of luck on your journey and know that you will find the right Master someday.

David

 

[shy slave]

Ebonyfire-
I'd like to think we parted on good terms, despite my feeling bad about ending it. Not that I thought we'd get along well, but more of I felt I was letting him down by not being able to keep up. But then again, I've never been very good with confrontation, no matter how tame.

I have read pyls say that alot on here and in r/l.

Being a pyl is hard work, it takes self control and assesrtiveness.
It is not a role for the faint hearted.

I am not saying this as a means of trying to give a 'Holier than thou' attitude or to be unkind.
I have been in a similiar situation to you.
I was with someone online for about 2 months. His emails were explicit and went far beyond anything I understood. But it was only email. Even so, had it gone to r/l I would have had problems. I too think we ended on ok terms but it was a mental warning to me to be clear about things.

I never learnt, and in r/l ended up in a situation that was beyond my mental capabilities with someone. I posted about it here eons ago (or so it seems) and some wonderful people put my head straight on the matter. Ironically the second person was as dull as ditch water when we met, and I got bored in a scene and went off to make a cup od tea (yes, really). His fantasies and 'Domliness' did not come across in r/l as they did in other ways.

That said, I have a different view now.
When I was looking for a partner I made it clear in my profile what I was like. When talking to Doms I kept my mind firmly on the concept that he may be a PYL but he is not my PYL.
(Although emailing and talking to Andante I discovered my own advice fell by the wayside again)

The hardest thing I found was understanding my own limits. How did I know that I did, or did not want something if I had never tried it, or never heard of it?
Limits I had when he and I met have vanished.
Things I had never considered we talk about.

But, I have learnt that being a pyl means being able to speak up and have your views heard.
I spoke to one PYL on the phone, by the end of 6-7 calls he was so fed up with me asking questions, giving my views etc that had we met he would have spent the next ten yrs punishing me for not being what he wanted.

Its not easy when your in a new situation to speak up, but for your mental well being you have to.

Submission isn't easy but with it can be an amazing experience.
My main advice is look after yourself when looking for the right person, there are alot of people out there who are right for someone else and not for you.


*pyl =pick your label, sub, slave, bottom etc
PYL=Pick Your Label, Dom, Domme, Top etc

 

[Ebonyfire]

Ebonyfire-
Ah, emails and one phonecall. I realize now that I was too impulsive, leaping headlong into something before I really got a good look at it. A mix of second guessing myself and assumptions about the situation got me a bit further.

Luckily, I had found this discussion board as well as a few Doms in the chatroom willing to dispence advice. I ended up calling him and tried to talking it out with him, but just felt discomforted with the entire situation. So I told him that I thought he was too intense for me, a little too deep into things I wasn't ready to deal with quite yet.

I'd like to think we parted on good terms, despite my feeling bad about ending it. Not that I thought we'd get along well, but more of I felt I was letting him down by not being able to keep up. But then again, I've never been very good with confrontation, no matter how tame.

At least you realized that things were going along too fast for you. Many do not see that until it they are in the same room with someone they hardly know and do not feel comfortable with.

I would not worry about the feeling that you were letting him down. I always think it is the responsibility of the Dominant to make sure he or she is not moving too fast. I am sure if you keep searching you will be able to find someone who will move at the speed you need.

Sometimes it takes a long time to find magic.

 

[satindesire]

Sometimes it takes a long time to find magic.

Yes!

I don't mean to not offer anything of substance to the thread...I really hate just being fluffy filler in a conversation, but please stay as positive as you can about your situation. Sometimes it takes a lot of frog kissing to find a Prince(ss) Charming! Be patient and all will be rewarded in the end!

 

[ChaosMiko]

Update: good news

Just thought I'd add a little update. I have continued chatting and have begun talking to two Doms in my local area that sound (so far, not too optimistic yet) like we could be friends. I don't know how far it will go beyond that or at all, but I plan to play it a little more carefully before meeting them.

Thanks to everyone for advice/encouragement!

 

[subwannabe]

I think you were right to be uneasy. Maybe this is a little too far over my head too but, in my mind, this whole dom/sub thing should be done with someone you can trust like a boyfriend, etc. and not someone you are meeting over the internet or wherever. What exactly are you expecting and wanting, relationship wise? If you do this short term there are all kinds of hidden dangers. If you are doing this long term, are you expecting this person to be a lifelong mate, and if not, what happens when you meet Mr. Right?

 

[babiesmiles]

How come no one told me we were having a party?

KC that's why I really love you !