New Story

[Natalie Nessus]

It is a light one as I am writing abook, this was a break, a sorbet

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=39672

It follows on from 'Entree'

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Nessus,

Very professional job with good mechanics. However, at times the story felt like a chapter from a novel. For instance, there is no explanation for Janine's reaction in this sentence, "...the telephone buzzed and Janine froze, a small, frightened look appeared fleetingly on her face."

IMHO, the opening was bland. Maybe it's just a guy thing, but beginning a story with a detailed description of a character's dress isn't a strong hook.

While the story was well-written, it felt bloodless. I developed little feeling for either main character and none for their guests.

The "Muffy" v "Janine" name change was confusing.

Last and maybe least, many, many sentences begin with "I" "She" or "Her".

Hope some of this helped. RF

 

[Couture]

RF

This story follows entree, so it is a continuation so to speak. Also, sometimes in a d&s relationship people are called by a 'pet' name. Tonight you are Janine means. . . well nevermind, explaining a story is about as useful as explaining a punchline.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Couture,

I had a hunch this might be part of a larger story. Name-wise, my first impression was that "Muffy" was the real name while "Janine" was the pet name, since the boss lady "told" us she'd never uttered that name before. (I can now see it being the other way around-if the relationship got off to a really fast start.)

Then the old office gang comes flopping in calling the girl "Janine" which messed up my little mind and temporarily threw me out of the story. If this is intended to be read as part of a bigger story which will clarify the situation for those of us who are "hard-of-learning" or if you don't think it'll be a problem for your target audience, just ignore the sucker.

Good writing,

Rumple Foreskin

 

[Ferris]

I am a great Fan

so I might be biassed but I thought this was a warm story that was extremely well written which, I think, we now expect from her.

I thought it followed on from Entree well and the dialogue was sharp and funny(the comment about how expensive the Dommes dress was witty but also showed who indeed was the dominant.)..

Her stories aren't for everyone, I would suggest she does write mainly for women and there are nuances perhaps we don't understand.

I thought that for a BDSM story, it was touching and very romantic.

But we've come to expect that.

Thank you Nessus, another short but wornderful peek into your mind.

I'm excited you're writing a book. Any ideas on publication and how it will be published?

 

[Natalie Nessus]

Thank you all for your comments.

The first draft of the book is finished, I am resting a little now