New Story

[Otto26]

The Fool's Errand

More romance than stroke but I think it's decent. I would particularly appreciate any feedback people care to offer on the ending. Too sappy? Not believable given the previous actions?

Thank you.

 

[Otto26]

No feedback? The only specific feedback I've gotten so far has been a comment regarding the storyline. It's doing well in voting so I guess I shouldn't worry, but I'd like to know if anyone else finds the ending contrived.

Thanks.

 

[olivefun]

The ending is soft.

You lost my attention with Lady's background. I really wanted something more interesting. After she told her name was Anna, everything moved too quickly without anything to pay it off.

Every once in a while the descriptions seem kind of pat or clicheed. Rogues AND scoundrels is not rogues-and-scoundrels at the start of the story.
The way donovan gives the waif mercy should be done in a less showy way.
I would prefer it if you tell us how we know they were shadowy figures.

Through the story you talk about Donovan's word or oath, there is a lot of build up.... but by the end, I wanted a challenge, a kind of way for him to test his word, some kind of payoff.

It is a good story though, I wish that there was more between anna and donovan, him lusting after her, watching her sleep, noticing her breasts her body as she slept. Perhaps a crew member being caught watching her as she kept watch. What is she doing while she kept watch? wouldn't it be a good time for her to masterbate while she is there? I think that is what I would do.

It is good but could be a bit better.

 

[Otto26]

Thank you for the feedback, olivefun. You identified a number of things my editors also felt were weak points.

-I felt the assistance to the waif had to be slightly ostentatious because Anna/Lady had to notice it. Just my opinion.

-The shadowy figures really annoyed one of my editors. She wondered how the hell Donovan knew they were assasains, so I dropped that word and tried to make it clear that Donovan was looking for a place in which to hide to ambush the person following him (Lady/Anna), which is how he noticed someone already hiding there.

-Yeah, I really kind of fell down on the job in building Donovan's character. He could certainly have done more thinking/mooning about Anna/Lady.

-What Anna/Lady does on her own was something of a difficult point. I originally wrote this from an omniscent point of view and then I changed to a single person omniscent point of view. This meant that Anna/Lady was essentially invisible to the story anytime she was out of Donovan's sight. The reason I did this is because I conceived of the storyline as being told in a he-said/she-said format. This is the he-said portion, Donovan's view of what is going on. I started to write Anna/Lady's portion and then bagged it. I hope someone will write her portion, but I don't think it's going to be me. I pictured Anna/Lady as being assigned to the Idler's Watch as an assistant to Giuseppe, the Captain's Steward. The Idler's aren't seamen, so they don't stand a regular watch. That kind of detail got cut out. Everything's a trade off.

-I have a second installment plotted out which puts Donovan's honor to a fairly serious test. Maybe I'll actually get around to writing it some day.

Thank you, again, for the feedback. I appreciate that you took the time to read and comment. It's a big help.