New Story

[MichelleLovesTo]

Moonlight, Romance, An (Alleged) Witch, and a Couple Rings.

I have a new story out. Well, new to here. It's a romance, with a bit of enchantment, called Wrapped Around Your Finger. I would love feedback.

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=228138

 

[kbate]

I liked your short story.

A few minor things; fewer contractions in the narration would be nice, I like the words written out in narrative texts.

I liked your dialogue in the early part of the story but the tone of the chatter became more formal later in the story and lost a bit of the country boy goes home.

You used "what" to describe the chess opponent where I would prefer who or whom.

A few extra words in places, could be chopped out in final draft.

Overall it is quite well written, well punctuated and well done.

 

[MichelleLovesTo]

I liked your short story.

A few minor things; fewer contractions in the narration would be nice, I like the words written out in narrative texts.

I liked your dialogue in the early part of the story but the tone of the chatter became more formal later in the story and lost a bit of the country boy goes home.

You used "what" to describe the chess opponent where I would prefer who or whom.

A few extra words in places, could be chopped out in final draft.

Overall it is quite well written, well punctuated and well done.

Thanks.

I want to compliment you on how many stories you comment on. I'm sure I'm not the only one who appreciates it.

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi Michelle,

I'm also impressed with the quantity and quality of kbate's reviews and, as usual, I agree with her; this is another good story on your part. You've brought a couple of interesting characters to life. I thought the conversations were well done and often clever.

Every once in a while though, I got the feeling the story was being rushed.

For example:
Caleb gave a token protest but tried it on. It fit fine.
I'd like to hear the token protest and see him try it on, you know?

The pace is a bit awkward in places too, interrupted by minor backfills such as:

Cassandra had been playing with a loose ring around her finger throughout the whole meal.
Why not show her doing this earlier instead of telling it now as an afterthought? This is especially true since the ring is so important to the story. I think the reader should have seen it soon after seeing Cassandra.

Speaking of cats, Caleb had found something oddly familiar about the nursing cat he'd seen his first night. She'd looked exactly like... When Caleb commented on the incredible resemblance, the beautiful woman quietly agreed that it was uncanny.
Similarly, why not show us the cat, and the conversation about it?

Even little things like the appetizing stew left me wondering what is appetizing about it beyond the aforementioned delicious smell? And what's delicious about the smell? Make sense?

All this gave the tale something of a rushed feel to me, especially here:
Every couple of days Cassandra would ask if he had her ring back, and he knew that, as calm as she acted, she was becoming nervous. Then he noticed her swallowing back anger, reminding him that he'd promised it would only be a couple weeks, and that the ring was dear to her.
I think you had an opportunity to increase the suspense, show her going from nervous to angry instead of just telling us about it. I might have felt Caleb was in some danger.

Admittedly, these are somewhat nitpicky and subjective observations, ideal pacing being such a matter of preference. I wouldn't want you to imagine for an instant I didn't enjoy the story. I did. The resolution is clever- I thought he was going to turn the tables on her. Leaving them both at one another's whim, a perfect ending I didn't see coming. Well done.

Lastly, it doesn't bother me personally, but some readers have a devil of a time with character whose names begin with the same letter.

Hope some of that helps.

Take Care,
Penny

 

[MichelleLovesTo]

Thanks

Thanks, Penny.

You make good points.

The story was original written for an event on a mind control board. I was "hosting" it and the theme was stories based on '70s and '80s song lyrics. I wrote, oh, 8 stories out of fear nobody would participate. It did well on it's own.

The event had a word max and the board that mind control stories go to has a word min. I had to expand the story, and in the process might have rushed it too much.

It's hard for me to expand stories which were written in one mode of writing without the new parts making it seem a little patchwork. In retrospect I probably should have did the expanded version and put it aside longer than I did, to then see it as a whole.

One of the issues I want to focus on is slowing down and expanding on details.