New Story

[brownsugah0]

First Effort

My first story has just been posted here and I would appreciate any feedback. Thanks in advance to anyone who has the time to help.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=125828

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Brownsugah,

Welcome to Literotica. IMHO, "Last Dance" is a very well done story, especially for a first time post. Your opening got, and kept, my attention. I also thought you did a good job in it of sneaking in some physical descriptions of the judge. I didn't notice any glaring grammar gaffs or spelling snags.

So much for the warm fuzzies.

Some of your sentences were on the long side. That's neither wrong nor bad. However, the modern trend is toward shorter sentences, especially in action sequences.

In that opening paragraph, the first sentence makes it sound like the judge has reached the club. Then in the next one we learn he's still dodging people.

The connection between Elizabeth and Desiree may be a little too subtle for the average Lit reader. And for my last quibble, IMHO, the ending was a tad awkward.

Still, congratulations on a good job.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[brownsugah0]

Thanks to Rumple Foreskin

Kind Sir,

Thanks for the welcome and for the careful reading and comments. The worth of such feedback is underlined by the humbling fact that I managed to get in trouble with the first sentence! I've already made the necessary change.

Too, I'll watch those long sentences and think about the ending.

I'm grateful for your very helpful crit and for the warm fuzzies. Yum yum ...

Brownsugah

 

[SlaveMasterUK]

Very impressed

Not much to fault in terms of spelling, grammar and punctuation - a good start.

Plenty of rhythm to the story; plenty of tension building from the word go and increasing until the very end. This story stands out from so many because it looks like some effort was put into it.

In terms of sex, it was believable and hot, and never got out of control with cliches. That said, there could perhaps have been more tension and detail once the sex actually started. How did it feel to JT once he was inside her? How long did it last? How hard did he try to hold back, or did he just let go as soon as he was ready? Even a quick orgasm takes a few minutes, so maybe it could take a little longer to read.

Good ending too. It's nice that JT achieved something, that he had some hope to look forward to other than the following night at the club, and yet doesn't pretend to answer all the questions, which leaves the story in the readers mind to draw its natural conclusion. This type of ending is better INO because it works the mind long after the reader has finished reading the text; it's a memorable story, which can only be a good thing for future reads and votes.

Keep it up.

ax

 

[brownsugah0]

Thanks!

Ax,

Your comments are encouraging and instructive.

I'm both excited and challenged by your suggestion that there could, I say should, have been more tension and detail once the sex started. The questions you've asked are excellent! Very useful.

I'll do my best in the future to make the time and detail you've taken with this story worthwhile.



Thanks again,

Brownsugah

 

[dr_mabeuse]

A very nice story. Very grabby beginning, and a nice twist.

Some of your writing might need some polish for clarity's sake. She was walking towards him with some businessman in tow, and he stood up right in front of her. At the end of the paragraph you said something about her noticing him. I would think you'd do more than just notice someone who suddenly blocked your way like that. And what happened to the businessman?

During his flashback you talk about the note she left, her telling him that she decided to leave when she was changing for Larry's party. In the next sentence she says she could never change for him. Was that play on "change" an intentional pun? And why did she realize this when she was changing for "Larry's party", whatever that was?

I also would like to have seen the backstory about Elizabeth put more towards the top of the story, before the whole nightclub scene. That scene is where the erotic tension is built, and by stopping to fill in backstory you defuse what tension you've created and have to start all over again. It's usually a bad idea to interupt the main action of a story with background information or flashback.

One other minor quible was his name. He's supposed to be a very mature, upstanding member of society, and that just doesn't go with being called "J.T." to me. Initials make me think he;s a kid.

'But all in all, it's a very nice piece of work.

---dr.M.

 

[brownsugah0]

Thanks

--- dr. M.

Clarity, clarity clarity ... Once pointed out, I wonder what drug I was on not to have noticed some of those details myself. But I didn't which underlines how essentail to a writer critiques are and I truly appreciate yours!

A less intrusive placement of backstory is something I'll keep in mind. Sure can't afford to defuse whatever tension I've managed to build.

I have a close friend who's a judge and is called by his initials and so I particularly appreciate your sharing your reaction to same. It doesn't matter who I know, but rather what picture such a casual title paints for the reader. So ... thanks.

Anyway, I'm babbling. Thank you so much for your help. You are encouraging and generous.




Brownsugah