new story

[badegg_07]

hey all i got a new story...and i was hoping to get some feedback about...any comments..suggetions...how it really sucks...lol.....would be really nice.....thanks a bunch...heres a link for it... http://www.literotica.com/stories/s...y.php?id=111186 hope to hear from everyone soon!!!!

 

[wornoutkeyboard]

Sorry Hon...

The link didn't work. Please try again.

~WOK

 

[A7inchPhildo]

Her Surprise
by badegg_07 ©

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=111186

Try this ^

 

[A7inchPhildo]

badegg_07
Quote:
“So I see you went and got your new toy today!” She exclaimed excitedly.

“Well yea. I yanno didn’t tell ya cuz I wanted to surprise you.”

“It was a surprise, but a good one indeed.” She winked.

“I hoped so.” I smirked, raising an eyebrow.

“Ah, I know what you want, Daddy!” She grinned once more.
________________________________________________

What? I do not know what I read? This is a lesbian story. I understand mom is role playing Dad after the next paragraph. No wait! Who has the strap on, on?
_______________________________________________
Quote:
She immediately took it in her mouth, deep-throating it. Letting it just sit there for a minute, enjoying the feel of my cock and the look of ecstasy on my face. Gradually she made long, slow strokes up and down, while using her tongue to lick here and there. Gazing up into my eyes she moved to the head sucking and licking it like a lollipop as she used her hand to caress the rest. I moaned so loud, I’m sure the neighbors heard me.
__________________________________________________

This is a strap on right?
_________________________________
Quote:
I laughed and told her, “What tease you? Hell Ma Ima fuck the hell out of ya!”
______________________________________

You didn't even try did you?
______________________________________

I being; "brutal" did not like your story. The topic was the best part and I think it was more of a incest story by far. Incest stories are a great category.
Never mind grammer and spelling mistakes. I could not tell who was who and then to use dady as an alternate name for the daughter "I think" and not the mother. What gives? I read it three times now, (being simple and all) and I am not quite certain but I think I know what transpired. Still wondering why the mother ran out of the room?

A little change and this story is on a unique idea. You need to keep things a bit more separated so it can be read with ease, and keep things a bit more real and simple.

You have a mother and daughter who are lovers. The daughter buys a toy for her mother. The daughter then roll plays the mothers dady while being the lover and daughter. That's different and difficult.

Phildo

 

[dr_mabeuse]

What's going on here? He calls her Ma, she calls him (her?) Daddy. One of these must be a pet name. Which one?

Ma grabs the narrator's breaat, so I assume that the narrator's a female, but later on the narrator grabs her own cock, so is she a male?

Who are these people? Where did they come from? What the hell is going on?

“What tease you? Hell Ma Ima fuck the hell out of ya!”

Is this person Italian?

I just finished on another thread talking about how I didn;t want my reviews to seem malicious, but I think this one deserves somemaliciousness. This piece is a mess.

---dr.M.

 

[badegg_07]

this story was about two lesbian lovers...not a mother and daughter just simply two lesbians...the name MA is meant as a pet name...sorta like baby or sweetie. something of that nature. the term daddy was used on account of the STRAP ON used in the story.
i'm sorry you didn't like it...but i've had very positive feedback about it so far until the two of you. i understand it can be confusing if u don't read it all but if you read exactly what it says its not that hard to get.

 

[APRILRAINE]

INCEST?

Sweetie,
I just wanted to say that I think it's great that you put my story on here. Thank you for writing it for me. As for the bone-head who made the comment above. Incest? Where in the heck did he come up with that? Did he read it at all? There's a popular song that recently came out with the phrase "Hey, MA! What's up?" in the chorus. (Hey, Bone-head...ever heard that song before? Camron is the artist...you should look it up sometime) "Ma," is a term of endearment. And as for "Daddy."....ever heard of "Who's your daddy?" That's a phrase that is used all the time. I don't really understand how anyone could mistake that story as being a story of incest, whether it be between a mother-daughter, father-daughter, or whoever. It's about lesbians...obviously...and how could anyone mistake it as anything but? I dunno sweetie...sounds like a real wierdo to me. But I loved it. You know it made my pussy wet. BTW...can't wait till we get our new toy

Your Penguin

 

[A7inchPhildo]

.

Her naked body quivered as I slipped in next to her in the bed, my hand landing on her hip as I got comfortable. She was flat on her back with me at her side, our faces only inches apart. “Hey Ma, what up?” I smiled at her....

I was thoroughly soaked just from watching her give me head. I pulled her hair, removing her mouth from my cock, “Come here Ma. Gimmie a kiss!”

Hey look at me I can walk like a, No! You know, I think name calling is a bit immature.
I do not think the opening part of this story says we are just two lesbians. I have no Idea where some one could ever get the strange conception from the Ma, to daddy pet names that were never even briefly touched upon.

As for the bone-head who made the comment above. Incest? Where in the heck did he come up with that?

I May not be lesbian but I am not ignorant to how they communicate. Haveing many gay/lesbian friends, clients. If you think every lesbian now accepts Ma, and Daddy as thier new pet names because of a pop song. I hope you do not live in NY,NY or Queens VT because you are already behind the times babe. I live in Fl and know that.

If that was the case and it is not. You may consider than a non lesbian will or might interpret this story just as I have.

I just finished reading"Something New" and not once did the author refer to Ma, Daddy why not? Because as in any relationship it is reserved for that point of long term commitment. That could have been mentioned to place the story in perspective in the begining.

How could this bonehead have read this entire story out of context? Simple you set it up that way.
You did not want to hear this? Then why did you ask?

hey all i got a new story...and i was hoping to get some feedback about...any comments..suggetions...how it really sucks...lol.....would be really nice.....thanks a bunch...heres a link for it...

I read your story and it made no sense. I posted that "I did not like it" and why. With this strange rebuttle I can see why it makes sense now and in a perspective that is now and only now available. That my dear is what you should consider!

Phildo

PS. "Something New" was rather good a bit more details would be nice, in fact I would like to have had it a bit longer. Let me know if you continue with Katherine and Jane. Thanks

PPS. This section of the forum is not about trying to get another author to hate you. You friend April is not helping anyone. She may have gotten a lot of attention, but most likely was a good reason to not post. I do not need to respond back to vulgar actions. I do this cause I want to, and to help not hinder. FYI I do not vote until I hear the response and can then decide what I may have picked apart too much or the author can change.

 

[Rainbow Skin]

Okay, if I hadn't read all the comments above, just read the story, I'd be very confused. Possibly I could work out what was going on by the end of it: but it should not be so confusing.

At the start, one character is clearly female and is addressed as 'Ma'. Therefore the other character must be her son or daughter.

Then the other character has breasts. So it's her daughter. Further down, the daughter character has a strap-on cock. That confirms she's female.

Later Ma calls her daughter Daddy. Hang on...

At this point we have to change our views. The previous obvious characterization no longer works. So okay, they're clearly both female, but as they're now Ma and Daddy they're about equal in age, they're playing families...? Probably they're sisters, not mother and daughter, but possibly they're not related. But your 'pet name' claim is very hard to extract from it.

If you're going to set this up, establish first that they're both female. Then establish that they're on an equal level, or using pet names. If they'd used the names 'Ma' and 'Daddy' close together it would be much clearer: the pet name interpretation would spring more readily to mind. You don't have to be clear: obscurity is okay: but obscurity that actively misleads is obscurity gone wrong.

You're not a bad writer: most of it is perfectly good. So the odd expressions that the other critics have picked up are unnecessary: why did you write that when you could have (I think) done better?

 

[hiddenself]

Re: INCEST?

Sweetie,
I just wanted to say that I think it's great that you put my story on here. Thank you for writing it for me. As for the bone-head who made the comment above. Incest? Where in the heck did he come up with that? Did he read it at all? It's about lesbians... obviously... and how could anyone mistake it as anything but? I dunno sweetie... sounds like a real wierdo to me. But I loved it. You know it made my pussy wet. BTW...can't wait till we get our new toy
Your Penguin

Dear Penguin,
Obviously you are the all-knowing authority on all things literary. Obviously this story was great (since it made your pussy so wet -- oh, yeah). Obviously. So, I can't even understand why Sweetie bothered to put up her story up for critique by us boneheads here.
Sincerely,
Another "wierdo"

 

[cookiejar]

Well here's another "bonehead" because I have never heard that song either. That remark was totally uncalled for...