New story

[Cobaltofdark]

https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=6344546&page=submissions

Just completed another chapter in my ongoing series. Would love if anyone took a moment to read it. Comments welcome always looking to grow as an author.

 

[Lifestyle66]

https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=6344546&page=submissions

Another chapter in the series would love anyone to read it check it out leave comments always looking to grow as an author

To grow as an author, try using punctuation. It makes trying to understand less tedious for the rest of us.

And there may be others trying to determine what your new "stroy" really is.

Spend a little more time at the keyboard.

 

[Cobaltofdark]

To grow as an author, try using punctuation. It makes trying to understand less tedious for the rest of us.

You're the kinda person who listens to Nickleback in public with no earbuds in.

 

[Lifestyle66]

You're the kinda person who listens to Nickleback in public with no earbuds in.

It doesn't make me wrong.

 

[Cobaltofdark]

It doesn't make me wrong.

To listen to Nickleback in public with no earbuds. No it doesnt make you wrong kinda makes you a jerk. But wouldn't say wrong.

 

[Lifestyle66]

WRT punctuation, try growing up. You might get there someday.

 

[Cobaltofdark]

WRT punctuation, try growing up. You might get there someday.

Still a jerk thing to do.

 

[Lifestyle66]

Your lack of concern over spending one more second to ensure the title spelling was correct and your disregard of something as simple as using any punctuation showed your complete disregard for those forum readers here you were attempting to solicit to spend their time reading YOUR stories! You treated us like shit and insulted ME, instead of just correcting your mistake and saying "Sorry."

If you want to grow as an author, put a little more effort into everything you choose to communicate.

 

[Carnevil9]

Sorry, Cobalt. I do enjoy your posts in the Story Ideas forum, and I do think you have a lot to contribute. But I have to side with Lifestyle66 on this thread. There are thousands and thousands of stories on this site. If you can't be bothered to write a two-word thread title without a typo, very few people are going to be enthused about reading your "stroy." If you can't do the little things right, nobody will trust that you do the big things right, either. C'mon; we both know you can do better.

 

[Cobaltofdark]

Sorry, Cobalt. I do enjoy your posts in the Story Ideas forum, and I do think you have a lot to contribute. But I have to side with Lifestyle66 on this thread. There are thousands and thousands of stories on this site. If you can't be bothered to write a two-word thread title without a typo, very few people are going to be enthused about reading your "stroy." If you can't do the little things right, nobody will trust that you do the big things right, either. C'mon; we both know you can do better.

You are both correct I've fixed the issues you both are correct. So I hope this brings some intrest in reading the latest part of my on going series. Thank you all for pointing it out

 

[AG31]

I can't believe the infantile focus on punctuation and spelling. It's fine to point it out so it can be fixed, but where are the comments on the content???? I've gotta fix supper but will read the story and be back with SUBSTANTIVE comments tonight or tomorrow.

 

[Cobaltofdark]

I can't believe the infantile focus on punctuation and spelling. It's fine to point it out so it can be fixed, but where are the comments on the content???? I've gotta fix supper but will read the story and be back with SUBSTANTIVE comments tonight or tomorrow.

Um ty but they're not wrong I should have taken the time to make sure it was spelled correctly and correctly punctuated. But ty I do appreciate your comments and definitely look forward to hearing your comments.

 

[AG31]

https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=6344546&page=submissions

Just completed another chapter in my ongoing series. Would love if anyone took a moment to read it. Comments welcome always looking to grow as an author.

Well, since neither the type of fiction nor the type of erotica are my thing, I'll confine myself to comments on the pure craft of writing. (This is not to say there's anything wrong with the type of fiction or erotica... it's just the way people are made.)

My main suggestion for improving your writing is to pay attention to the length and complexity of your sentences. Vary it. You have lots of places where three or four sentences follow each other with the same rhythm. Here are a few examples, with some additional comments.

*****
With a grimace Cobalt groans, "Ugh, …” - Too wordy. How about just “Ugh, …” That tells it all and we know it’s got to be Cobalt talking.

With a scowl, Sabine says, "We aren't …” – Same thing. How about, “Scowling, Sabine says”

“With a shrug, Cobalt replies, “ – Cobalt shrugs. “If you say so….”

Not only would these changes make the dialogue flow a bit better, but you would eliminate three sentences starting with “With a “ right in a row.
******
Try tightening up the leading phrases, or remove them all together. Put one of them at the end instead of the beginning.

With a low grumble, Cobalt says, "Fuck, Sabine. I don't know what any of these cooking things do. I've never cooked."

Sabine whispers back to Cobalt. "it's fine. I think if I can ace our class's chemistry course, cooking should be child's play."

Mrs. Tyson begins speaking. "Okay, class. Today we're going to have a free day. Pick something from the pantry and make it."
*******
Returning with a few things, Cobalt and Sabine struggle to make anything. Both suffer from a case of terminal hopelessness in the kitchen. Sabine puts some oil into a skillet, turns on the heat, and promptly forgets all about it. A few minutes later, there's a woosh of flames.

Grabbing the back of Sabine's shirt, Cobalt jumps back, pulling Sabine away from the towering flames. They look at each other, confused about what to do next. Mindy, a woman of action, grabs the fire extinguisher. She puts out the fire, but Mrs. Tyson is clearly aggravated by her two new students.

With a low whisper to Sabine, Cobalt says, "So much for 'low profile.' By the end of the day we're gonna be the crazy new girls that tried burning down the school."

Shaking her head in agreement, Sabine grumbles, "Cooking is fucking stupid."

*****
And then a few other suggestions.

- I think you may be pushing the idea of using lyrics to set an atmosphere and express ideas in the early part. Perhaps you could shorten the lyrics so the reader doesn't lose the sense of the story.

- “unique and pretty dress” Sounds a little clunky to me. How about “striking dress?”

***********
And finally, pure diddley squat.

"She bears orders from their leader, or the Kouachi word for it, Meishu Bex," It will read better if you add these two commas.

'States – Don’t need an apostrophe

“Both women have unknowingly have synced up;” You’ve got an extra “have”

With a smile, Cobalt sais,

 

[Cobaltofdark]

Well, since neither the type of fiction nor the type of erotica are my thing, I'll confine myself to comments on the pure craft of writing. (This is not to say there's anything wrong with the type of fiction or erotica... it's just the way people are made.)

My main suggestion for improving your writing is to pay attention to the length and complexity of your sentences. Vary it. You have lots of places where three or four sentences follow each other with the same rhythm. Here are a few examples, with some additional comments.

*****
With a grimace Cobalt groans, "Ugh, …” - Too wordy. How about just “Ugh, …” That tells it all and we know it’s got to be Cobalt talking.

With a scowl, Sabine says, "We aren't …” – Same thing. How about, “Scowling, Sabine says”

“With a shrug, Cobalt replies, “ – Cobalt shrugs. “If you say so….”

Not only would these changes make the dialogue flow a bit better, but you would eliminate three sentences starting with “With a “ right in a row.
******
Try tightening up the leading phrases, or remove them all together. Put one of them at the end instead of the beginning.

With a low grumble, Cobalt says, "Fuck, Sabine. I don't know what any of these cooking things do. I've never cooked."

Sabine whispers back to Cobalt. "it's fine. I think if I can ace our class's chemistry course, cooking should be child's play."

Mrs. Tyson begins speaking. "Okay, class. Today we're going to have a free day. Pick something from the pantry and make it."
*******
Returning with a few things, Cobalt and Sabine struggle to make anything. Both suffer from a case of terminal hopelessness in the kitchen. Sabine puts some oil into a skillet, turns on the heat, and promptly forgets all about it. A few minutes later, there's a woosh of flames.

Grabbing the back of Sabine's shirt, Cobalt jumps back, pulling Sabine away from the towering flames. They look at each other, confused about what to do next. Mindy, a woman of action, grabs the fire extinguisher. She puts out the fire, but Mrs. Tyson is clearly aggravated by her two new students.

With a low whisper to Sabine, Cobalt says, "So much for 'low profile.' By the end of the day we're gonna be the crazy new girls that tried burning down the school."

Shaking her head in agreement, Sabine grumbles, "Cooking is fucking stupid."

*****
And then a few other suggestions.

- I think you may be pushing the idea of using lyrics to set an atmosphere and express ideas in the early part. Perhaps you could shorten the lyrics so the reader doesn't lose the sense of the story.

- “unique and pretty dress” Sounds a little clunky to me. How about “striking dress?”

***********
And finally, pure diddley squat.

"She bears orders from their leader, or the Kouachi word for it, Meishu Bex," It will read better if you add these two commas.

'States – Don’t need an apostrophe

“Both women have unknowingly have synced up;” You’ve got an extra “have”

With a smile, Cobalt sais,

Ty that is very helpful I try so that the reader doesnt get lost as to who is speaking to who. But ty for some great suggestions that I'll be putting into place ty.

 

[Kumquatqueen]

Ty that is very helpful I try so that the reader doesnt get lost as to who is speaking to who. But ty for some great suggestions that I'll be putting into place ty.

Try writing your dialog without tags. Then re-read it, putting tags and descriptors in as needed to avoid confusion and add to the image of the scene. One tag every 2-5 switches of speaker is usually enough - more in a group conversation than if there's just two people there.

 

[Cobaltofdark]

Try writing your dialog without tags. Then re-read it, putting tags and descriptors in as needed to avoid confusion and add to the image of the scene. One tag every 2-5 switches of speaker is usually enough - more in a group conversation than if there's just two people there.

That's great advice ty