New Story

[SilentLady]

Would Like some feed back on my newest story. It is in the Loving Wives Heading.

And Please take time to vote and send feedback. It helps

Two's Company, Three's Better

 

[ladyphoenix]

Silent Lady’s “Two’s Company, Three is Better”

First, a little nit-picking, then my general response, if that’s okay.

I like the title. It’s cliché-based, but you put a little twist on it. We don’t see that often enough.

Para. 1: The first thing I notice about your writing is that it’s very carefully done, with all the periods and commas and quotes apparently in the right place, but it’s just a bit stiff. You’re doing well at the grammar stuff; now work on the rhythm. Make things flow more smoothly. For example:
“The day started like any other. I sent David off to work with his morning piece of tail.” (btw, I LOVE that opening!) when you read it, it’s two short sentences. A very staccato rhythm. How about,
“The day started off like any other, with me sending David off to work with his morning piece of tail.”
“I remembered the dinner party we were giving that evening and made sure he understood he could not be late getting home.” Replace “could not” with couldn’t. It makes it sound less formal.

Again in paragraph 2 when David says, “Yeah, sure honey, I will be home on time,” he said smiling and giving me a pat on the ass, he walked out the door. (OOPS…grammar stuff, too. *g*) --OR--
“Yeah, sure honey, I’ll be home on time,” he said, smiling and patting me on the ass as he walked out the door.

Para. 3: “Well, just see that you remember,” I yelled at him from the porch as he climbed into the car. “It is important that you are here and on time!” --OR--
“Well, make sure you remember!” I yelled from the porch as he climbed into the car. “It’s important!” (you need an exclamation point; she’s yelling and you don’t need to say she yelled “at him”. We know who she’s yelling at)

downstairs, not down stairs

“Sitting down on a chair pulled slightly out from the table.” is a fragment.

“His fingertips lingered on my cheek and then he stood slightly, and taking my head from behind, and drew me to him for a kiss.” I think you meant, “His fingertips lingered on my cheek and then he stood slightly, taking my head and drawing me to him for a kiss”. That’s a really nice line.
The remainder of the story could use some smoothing over, particularly in regard to your needing to use commas a bit more often. For example:
“He smiled and (comma) reaching out (comma) he brushed…”
“My heart pounded (‘was pounding’ is more active) as I backed into the door (comma) shoving it open with my bottom.”
“I led him to the living room and (comma) stopping at the stereo system,…”

“He slipped it off while remaining at my right breast and then he reached (comma) still without moving (comma) to undo his belt and zipper.” I think it would be more clear if you said “still without moving his mouth”

How can his cock spring free into her hands when she’s tearing at his shirt and HE’S opening his pants?

“I moaned, grasping it in both hands” is more active than “I moaned as I grasped it in both hands.”

“…lifted my pussy up to his mouth…” You don’t need to say he lifted it UP. Just that he lifted it to his mouth. The word ‘lift’ means to raise, so lift up is a bit redundant.

Okay, final thoughts….

Your story is definitely a cut above. You started out so carefully but by the sex I think you were getting…um…hot under the collar and not thinking so hard about the writing. It suffers a bit, grammatically. But overall, I think you write well and the story was a bit more creative than most. I did wonder if this was the first time she’d seduced someone; perhaps a bit of history at the start would have been good.

All in all, a very good effort.

best,
ladyp

 

[SilentLady]

First, a little nit-picking, then my general response, if that’s okay.

I don't mind the nit-picking at all. . It was quiet constructive and I appreciate that.

On this story I got a lot of really nice feedback and I got a lot too that wasn't so nice and they didn't even give me a chance to find out what they really didn't like about the story. . Oh well such is life and sometimes it sucks.

Thanks again. .

My Work on Literotica

 

[Chantal Marchon]

I really like this story. It is one of my favorite fantasies. I do have to agree with the previous critique though. It seemed a bit stiff in places.

From past experience, I know how hard it can be to convey the picture that you see in your mind. Oddly enough, I have found that using more descriptive words and less description helps a lot.

It is something that gets better with experience. I know my first story was stiff too. But after a few rewrites it got somewhat better. Still feels weird in places. and my last story was probably the easiest one I wrote. Go figure! I didn't try half as hard to set up the scene but it came through so much better.

Submission is still pending, probably out tomorrow. Called College Karma. You might get a better idea of what I am saying with an example.

 

[SilentLady]

Submission is still pending, probably out tomorrow. Called College Karma. You might get a better idea of what I am saying with an example.

Thanks Chantal I will check out the New stories tomorrow.

Perhaps an example would help me. . My prof said that dialog was the hardest to write because u still wanted to put in the he/she saids etc. so I will just have to work on that . .


I had a new story posted today too along with Three's Better. . it is in the Exhibitionist and Voyeur genre so drop in and see what I have done there. .


Voyeur's Delight