New story

[cthulhu]

Well, it's been awhile but I finaly cranked out another one. Heres the link if anyone would like to check it out. Feedback is always appriciated.

http://literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=62517

 

[the_bragis]

Hot!

Hello cthulhu,

This new new story of yours is a number five sizzler!

I see you have it in the 'fetish' section, personally I would have thought it was more bdsm, but hey it's your story. The master and maid role play is one you often see, but never before quite like this.

This is what I noted as I read:

I felt there were a few comas missing, and a few sentences could have been split.

i.e. Fortunately I had divorced my wife nearly a year before, and thus was free to pursue my pleasure in my home that was nestled in a grove of trees far enough out of town that I had little fear of nosy neighbors wondering who was paying me visits in her white Jetta.

Fortunately I had divorced my wife nearly a year before, thus was free to pursue my pleasure. My home was nestled in a grove of trees, far enough out of town that I had little fear of nosy neighbors wondering who was paying me visits in her white Jetta.

I noted also you use 'that' a lot. Too much in my opinion. You may disagree, however, particularly twice in one sentence, it just seems to clutter it for me.

She hunkered down...

This word, 'hunkered', is new to me. It is US slang?

Otherwise, this is one of the best Ds stories I have read in some time.

The dialog is red hot!

The descriptions vivid and bluer than blue!

This was far more than just a tease for Cheryl. You had me, the reader, teased throughout your story. It drove me crazy. I wanted more. I got more. I really enjoyed this one.

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a great day,

Alex (female)

 

[cthulhu]

Thank you very much, Alex.

I can only agree with any comment about my spelling of punctuation. Artisticly I seem to do ok in the writing department, but technicly I'm hopeless. If not for spell checkers I'd never even bother to submit a story to this site.

"Hunkered" is, I guess, a slang term, meaning to crouch, or otherwise make oneself small.

I'm glad you liked the story. It was only ment to be a prelude to the major bulk of the story, but after I got into it I decided that it was an interesting enough scenario in it's own right. Thank you very much for the compliments, and I hope you read the rest of my stuff and give them the same intelligent critique. I'm an admitted feedback junky.