New Story.....What do you think?

[SleeplessFlaMan]

Silk’s Dream

Silk, the dream!! I stated and she began telling me, “I was folding clothes on my bed and you showed up on my doorway.” My closet is behind me and the doorway is next to the closet you tell me not to turn around and to strip for you slowly

 

[be_ignited]

The errors in grammar, spelling, and generally accepted formatting for dialogue made reading it painful and destroyed any chance it may have had for being titillating for me. On a related note, you switch tenses, perspectives, and pronouns making it difficult to know who is talking about what and when.

Even as a simple stroke story, it's so short that there's no opportunity for tension to build, and beond that it's pretty mundane--nothing in the way of style, plot or character to make it interesting or memorable.

As a sanitary note, going from ass to vagina, even with some oral action in between, is a pretty good way to get a nasty infection.

Additionally, this probably isn't the best place to post stories for feedback.

 

[SleeplessFlaMan]

Need to wait for the rewrite ....

it was copied from a chat IM.....

 

[Scotsman69]

There is a story here?

If I want stories I don't look here. And two poorly-written lines isn't anyone's definition of a story.

 

[dogskatt]

Silk’s Dream

Silk, the dream!! I stated and she began telling me, “I was folding clothes on my bed and you showed up on my doorway.” My closet is behind me and the doorway is next to the closet you tell me not to turn around and to strip for you slowly

I am sorry, this does have the potential to become a story, I suggest spell check on line it is free it is called spellchecker.net and it does grammar as well. On top of that being said, even a short story provides at least two paragraphs of reading. I would not mind reading a fuller version in the future. I feel a little more description of feelings and actions would help.