New Story - "Unexpected Revelations"

[Lord_Gro]

My first story here at Literotica posted a few days ago in Loving Wives:

http://www.literotica.com/s/unexpected-revelations-1

It's about as short (~850 words or so) as one can get away with posting here.

While it has gotten some interesting comments already, additional opinions are always welcome.

 

[kbate]

Can't think of much to say. You had a few bits which could have been left off in the opening - the bit about 'option to buy' wasn't important especially when you went into his financial good luck later. You could have added a paragraph when he stopped nodding to French citizenship and started discussing win and dinner.

But overall it is a cleanly written tale, if really not a complete story - more of a preface to a story either describing the affair (and the fact that he murdered and stuffed the offending renter into a woodchipper) or their reconciliation and subsequent happy lives as she pines for her missing and lost love . . . or something such to build the conflict.

Not bad and well done for what it was.

 

[Lord_Gro]

kbate - I appreciate your taking the time to read and comment here. I acknowledge the points you make, and agree that the story is not without flaws. But almost all of the other pieces I'm working on are MUCH longer than "Unexpected Revelations." One of the things I was trying to do with this particular story was to see if I could produce a satisfying story that was long enough to meet the Literotica requirement of a minimum of 750 words, but still came in at less than a thousand. I think I succeeded, or I'd not have posted it here. But evidently including the term "flash story" in the author's note at the beginning of the work isn't enough to make many readers understand that the brevity of the story is intentional.

Will have to think about that. Of course, I don't have anything at any point in the pipeline that would lend itself to another ultra-short either, so the issue may be moot.

Again, thanks for your commentary.

 

[Dream_Operator]

I thought the story was well written. Here's my takeaways:

• Some of the paragraphs are rather long and could be broken up into smaller chunks to improve the readability and flow.
  
• The wife character came off as flat. I think you could have added more details to let the reader know her mind state. Was she nervous? Tense? Did she struggle with her words? Avoid eye contact? etc.
  
• I think her apology should have been before her explanation of what occurred, rather than at the end.
  
• I like the reveal that he was aware of the affair, and the open ended question of how he took care of it.
  
• As kbate mentioned, some details in the backstory were unnecessary, especially given that it was such a short piece.

Overall, well done.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Length doesn't matter. John O'Hara wrote plenty of short-short stories, and those I've read are good reading. John Steinbeck wrote some chapters that are hardly 500 words long.

I posted elsewhere that the most powerful story I ever heard was 5 words long: HEY JIMMY, YOUR MOMMA'S DEAD. Forty-two years later I still feel tremors from it.

I looked at your story.

My philosophy of prose writing is pretty simple. Start with a short skirt and knees that wanna spread wide but don't...at least not very often. Keep the reader thinking that they might, tho.

 

[Lord_Gro]

Dream_Operator - Sorry about the delay in responding to your comments; I had an attack of Real Life.

I appreciate your having taken the time to both read and comment on the story. I see what you mean about Miranda coming across as flat. I'll have to work on doing better with that sort of descriptive information in future works.

And I agree that some of the paragraphs are probably longer than many readers are used to, and that shorter paragraphs might make the story flow a little better. (I have to read Federal and international regulations at work, so my feeling for what might be an overly-long paragraph may be different from most peoples.) Again, something to work on in future stories

 

[xPhantomKissX]

I think it has great potential to be a wonderful story about "matured passion."

I agree with many of the technical comments above and agree with James that is doesn't have to be long to be a quality piece.

1) I think there is a nice similarity between the romance and maturity of Corsica and that of the couple. I'd rather feel the Mediterranean breeze than hear about the lease options.

2) Be careful with military lingo. I assume 2e REP is some sort of military reference by reading your profile but without that knowledge it could have just as easily been some sort of gang tattoo when it prefaced a disappearing guy.

I'd break up her confession and maybe build his stoic demeanor a bit more during that process. The reader would wonder why he seemed disinterested and give his confession of knowing a bit more punch.

The beauty of the story is that he accepted her flaws and forgave her long ago. As such, he was able to live all those years on his terms instead of those driven by jealousy or anger towards her. Her life on the other hand was less free, as she was a servant to her own guilt.

I think you're close on putting it all in one neat package -- it just needs some polishing.

 

[tiger46]

My first story here at Literotica posted a few days ago in Loving Wives:

http://www.literotica.com/s/unexpected-revelations-1

It's about as short (~850 words or so) as one can get away with posting here.

While it has gotten some interesting comments already, additional opinions are always welcome.

Very well done. I encourage you to develop your talent.

I agree with most comments on this thread too.