completeexperience
Virgin
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- Oct 21, 2010
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New story - My Mature BBW Slave
- Thread starter completeexperience
- Start date
soflabbwlvr
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Oct 6, 2009
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Your posting doesn't say what kind of a response that you are looking for, but since your thread is in this forum, I am going to assume that you are loooking for some feedback. If not, please disregard what follows.
First of all, you could use some help from an editor. There are numerous instances throughout your story of run-on sentences, tenses that do not agree, and other grammatical errors that would be easily eliminated by an editor, or even a proof-reader. These errors are distracting, but they are not fatal. Here is one example from the first paragraph:
"I often joked with her that if the people who saw us in public together saw us behind closed doors, I'd love to see their reaction."
This is a clumsily constructed conditional sentence. A better way to convey the same meaning would be:
"I often joked with her that if the people who saw us in public were to see us behind closed doors, their reactions would be priceless."
An example of a run-on sentence is found a little lower. In the fourth paragraph you write:
"She was introverted and a little insecure about her appearance but she needn't have been, because I found her just as attractive as I hoped."
That should have been broken into at least two sentences.
"She was introverted and a little insecure about her appearance. Her fears were unfounded; she was just as attractive as I had hoped she would be."
I could present more expamples, but you will overcome these issues with more practice and the help of a good editor.
The bigger problem is your style of writing. This story is all telling, and no showing. There is almost no dialogue. Instead, it reads as one long descriptive narration. This is a problem with which I am intimately familiar. My first few stories suffered from exactly the same deficiency. The best way to overcome this issue is to practice writing dialogue. Read more stories where dialogue is done well, and get a feel for how other authors include it in a story. Also, Firebrain has a very good article on this subject that I highly recommend.
Finally, I have an issue with this story that is less technical and more a matter of personal taste. My concern is that you don't give the reader any reason to like Debbie. Her only redeeming quality seems to be that she is a nymphomaniac. You give her no credit for having any intelligence or personality. I am all for including flaws as well as attributes when creating a character. That's what makes them seem real, rather idealized fantasies. Unfortunately, this says something about the narrator, as well. From beginning to end, I never develop an interest in either of them. This is where the story fails for me.
All of this may seem harsh, but it is not meant to be. You have skill as a writer; you need to develop as a storyteller.
First of all, you could use some help from an editor. There are numerous instances throughout your story of run-on sentences, tenses that do not agree, and other grammatical errors that would be easily eliminated by an editor, or even a proof-reader. These errors are distracting, but they are not fatal. Here is one example from the first paragraph:
"I often joked with her that if the people who saw us in public together saw us behind closed doors, I'd love to see their reaction."
This is a clumsily constructed conditional sentence. A better way to convey the same meaning would be:
"I often joked with her that if the people who saw us in public were to see us behind closed doors, their reactions would be priceless."
An example of a run-on sentence is found a little lower. In the fourth paragraph you write:
"She was introverted and a little insecure about her appearance but she needn't have been, because I found her just as attractive as I hoped."
That should have been broken into at least two sentences.
"She was introverted and a little insecure about her appearance. Her fears were unfounded; she was just as attractive as I had hoped she would be."
I could present more expamples, but you will overcome these issues with more practice and the help of a good editor.
The bigger problem is your style of writing. This story is all telling, and no showing. There is almost no dialogue. Instead, it reads as one long descriptive narration. This is a problem with which I am intimately familiar. My first few stories suffered from exactly the same deficiency. The best way to overcome this issue is to practice writing dialogue. Read more stories where dialogue is done well, and get a feel for how other authors include it in a story. Also, Firebrain has a very good article on this subject that I highly recommend.
Finally, I have an issue with this story that is less technical and more a matter of personal taste. My concern is that you don't give the reader any reason to like Debbie. Her only redeeming quality seems to be that she is a nymphomaniac. You give her no credit for having any intelligence or personality. I am all for including flaws as well as attributes when creating a character. That's what makes them seem real, rather idealized fantasies. Unfortunately, this says something about the narrator, as well. From beginning to end, I never develop an interest in either of them. This is where the story fails for me.
All of this may seem harsh, but it is not meant to be. You have skill as a writer; you need to develop as a storyteller.
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