New story looking for feedback.

[badnews79]

Hi
I am fairly new to writing, grammar has never been a strong point of mine.
I am writing story's here to try and fix that.
Plot and grammatical feedback welcome.

https://www.literotica.com/s/honeymoon-seduction-1

 

[OnlyHappyEndings]

Not bad at at all for a new writer. I didn't see excessive grammar issues but I did see your paragraphs are really short, like one sentence a lot of the time. My early stories are like that, simple sentences and brief paragraphs, until I got comfortable with my writing voice.

The sex was hot. I liked the part where Amanda expresses concern about protection and the Kyle stops and puts on the condom. The part where Amanda later removes his condom and let's him finish inside her... I'm sure the pregnancy fetish guys will like that.

There was one sentence near the end where a character says 'Kyle's going to fuck me for a bit while you watch...' and it makes sense that Lisa would be the one saying that but for some reason I had to read it several times to confirm. So maybe just me but that might have been worded more clearly, identifying Lisa as speaker at the start or middle of the dialogue line rather than at the end.

Anyway, congratulations. Looks like the story is being well received in the Group Sex category.

 

[AlinaX]

I read some of this yesterday. The writing’s good. The only advice I have is to check your possessive apostrophes, because I noticed a missing apostrophe in the story and your comment here turns a plural into a possessive.

 

[badnews79]

Not bad at at all for a new writer. I didn't see excessive grammar issues but I did see your paragraphs are really short, like one sentence a lot of the time. My early stories are like that, simple sentences and brief paragraphs, until I got comfortable with my writing voice.

The sex was hot. I liked the part where Amanda expresses concern about protection and the Kyle stops and puts on the condom. The part where Amanda later removes his condom and let's him finish inside her... I'm sure the pregnancy fetish guys will like that.

There was one sentence near the end where a character says 'Kyle's going to fuck me for a bit while you watch...' and it makes sense that Lisa would be the one saying that but for some reason I had to read it several times to confirm. So maybe just me but that might have been worded more clearly, identifying Lisa as speaker at the start or middle of the dialogue line rather than at the end.

Anyway, congratulations. Looks like the story is being well received in the Group Sex category.

Thank you, I was worried some of it would read well in my head but be clunky to others and to be honest I did struggle with the "Kyle's going to fuck me for a bit" line. I am sure I could have thought up a paragraph explaining Kyle and Lisa's plan better.

No one IRL knows I write these stories so I have no one to confir with when I am writing.

 

[badnews79]

I read some of this yesterday. The writing’s good. The only advice I have is to check your possessive apostrophes, because I noticed a missing apostrophe in the story and your comment here turns a plural into a possessive.

Ah thanks, i went over the story a couple of times checking names and if the needed a 's. I guess I missed a couple.

 

[StillStunned]

Thank you, I was worried some of it would read well in my head but be clunky to others and to be honest I did struggle with the "Kyle's going to fuck me for a bit" line. I am sure I could have thought up a paragraph explaining Kyle and Lisa's plan better.

No one IRL knows I write these stories so I have no one to confir with when I am writing.

A useful tip is to run Read Aloud (in Word) or another text-to-speech program over the story.

The main reason is proofreading: if you follow the highlight as it jumps from word to word, you'll catch 99% of the typos, because you see and hear what you actually wrote, not what you think you wrote.

But it also helps you to see where the prose is clunky or confusing. And you're more likely to notice any consistencies, particularly if you go through it in one sitting. (I usually allow about one hour per 6-8k words.)

 

[badnews79]

A useful tip is to run Read Aloud (in Word) or another text-to-speech program over the story.

The main reason is proofreading: if you follow the highlight as it jumps from word to word, you'll catch 99% of the typos, because you see and hear what you actually wrote, not what you think you wrote.

But it also helps you to see where the prose is clunky or confusing. And you're more likely to notice any consistencies, particularly if you go through it in one sitting. (I usually allow about one hour per 6-8k words.)

Yep, I used this and still manage to miss things!

 

[StillStunned]

I wouldn't worry about it. I'm a professional editor and proofreader, and I still leave mistakes in my stories here, even after Read Aloud.

Readers generally don't mind, as long as there aren't so many that they pull the reader out of the story.

 

[darwin1859]

@badnews79 what feedback did you want? You say that you're worried about the mechanics of writing. I thought it was good. Your ratings are good. If that was the level of analysis you wanted, it's good.

I disagree with the comment about short sentences. I think it's a preference and I like how you use lots of whitespace.

If you want some finer points, I have have some suggestions given that it's a good story. There are several errors like this:

"She's doing well." Lisa whispered.

Should be a comma:

"She's doing well," Lisa whispered.

The rule is that the quote and the part that follows need to be independent sentence to end the quote with a period ('?' or '!' are ok). If the part after the quote is a dialog tag, there should be a comma. (A dialog tag won't stand by itself. "Lisa whispered" only makes sense as part of the quote). You do that at repeatedly. But it's pretty minor.

FWIW, these are correct:

"Beachfront suite!" Lisa boasted.
"Hey," she said casually stepping inside. "Think I need one too."
Kyle grinned. "Not at all."
"Kyle's a great dancer." She took a sip of her drink, her cheeks slightly flushed.

Second, the story got a lot more interesting when the newlyweds met Kyle and Lisa. You don't need to make that your second sentence, but (within reason) less is more and getting to that meeting sooner is better. "Chekhov's gun" suggests that you have a lot of material at the beginning that you don't need. For example, the marble counter and rainfall showerhead never appear again, so you could have left them out. But you wouldn't want to leave out that Amanda wishes that they had the money to rent a room with a hot tub. I'd ask myself, "What am I trying to tell the reader?" I think the points you need to convey is that (1) the narrator is not a big mountain of a man like Kyle, that they are on honeymoon, and that they are not really well-off. Maybe also that Amanda is pretty. I think you could cut out a lot and still convey that stuff. Some might argue that you're painting a scene. I'd counter argue that less is more. Your scene could be just as vivid with a lot less verbiage.

Third, some people feel strongly that core dumping facts (at the beginning) is less artful than working them into the story. So, you could have described Amanda as being pretty and petite and then have the narrator marvel at how much bigger Kyle is when they meet (maybe Kyle's handshake hurts the narrator's hand?). Not sure I agree 100% with this issue, but I do think that less is more.

Is Kyle meant to be black (he has dark skin)? If so, I'd have been more explicit if you meant this story to have interracial overtones.

When they get back to Lisa's room, no one is phased fazed when she (immediately and without comment) strips naked? And the way you added that was jarring: "Knowing she couldn't be seen..." By whom? The other couple in their room can certainly see them, including the narrator who's telling the story. So, that was weird. And then a few lines later the Narrator is worried about not having his trunks? I think you should have written that section that the newlyweds were a little scandalized but when Kyle acted normal, they assumed that it was innocent and that they should conform. (Or whatever, but it's weird as written.)

I stopped reading about there. Where is this going? If the narrator is supposed to be humiliated, this is a good point for him to have a bad feeling. Or to notice that his new bride seems too eager. Or if the narrator is supposed to love these events, he should be worried that he's getting an hardon. Etc. Maybe you wanted the newlyweds to seem innocent? If so, I'd show the narrator rationalizing (furiously).

I didn't finish the story so maybe I don't get to make this comment, but if the newlyweds are supposed to be innocent, then soft swinging (couples fucking each other in front of others) would have been a better end to part 1. Two beds immediately suggested this to me.

I'd like to repeat: This is already a good story. I hope you'll write more. This story seems like it's begging for a part 2...

 

[badnews79]

@badnews79 what feedback did you want? You say that you're worried about the mechanics of writing. I thought it was good. Your ratings are good. If that was the level of analysis you wanted, it's good.

I disagree with the comment about short sentences. I think it's a preference and I like how you use lots of whitespace.

If you want some finer points, I have have some suggestions given that it's a good story. There are several errors like this:

Should be a comma:

The rule is that the quote and the part that follows need to be independent sentence to end the quote with a period ('?' or '!' are ok). If the part after the quote is a dialog tag, there should be a comma. (A dialog tag won't stand by itself. "Lisa whispered" only makes sense as part of the quote). You do that at repeatedly. But it's pretty minor.

FWIW, these are correct:


Second, the story got a lot more interesting when the newlyweds met Kyle and Lisa. You don't need to make that your second sentence, but (within reason) less is more and getting to that meeting sooner is better. "Chekhov's gun" suggests that you have a lot of material at the beginning that you don't need. For example, the marble counter and rainfall showerhead never appear again, so you could have left them out. But you wouldn't want to leave out that Amanda wishes that they had the money to rent a room with a hot tub. I'd ask myself, "What am I trying to tell the reader?" I think the points you need to convey is that (1) the narrator is not a big mountain of a man like Kyle, that they are on honeymoon, and that they are not really well-off. Maybe also that Amanda is pretty. I think you could cut out a lot and still convey that stuff. Some might argue that you're painting a scene. I'd counter argue that less is more. Your scene could be just as vivid with a lot less verbiage.

Third, some people feel strongly that core dumping facts (at the beginning) is less artful than working them into the story. So, you could have described Amanda as being pretty and petite and then have the narrator marvel at how much bigger Kyle is when they meet (maybe Kyle's handshake hurts the narrator's hand?). Not sure I agree 100% with this issue, but I do think that less is more.

Is Kyle meant to be black (he has dark skin)? If so, I'd have been more explicit if you meant this story to have interracial overtones.

When they get back to Lisa's room, no one is phased when she (immediately and without comment) strips naked? And the way you added that was jarring: "Knowing she couldn't be seen..." By whom? The other couple in their room can certainly see them, including the narrator who's telling the story. So, that was weird. And then a few lines later the Narrator is worried about not having his trunks? I think you should have written that section that the newlyweds were a little scandalized but when Kyle acted normal, they assumed that it was innocent and that they should conform. (Or whatever, but it's weird as written.)

I stopped reading about there. Where is this going? If the narrator is supposed to be humiliated, this is a good point for him to have a bad feeling. Or to notice that his new bride seems too eager. Or if the narrator is supposed to love these events, he should be worried that he's getting an hardon. Etc. Maybe you wanted the newlyweds to seem innocent? If so, I'd show the narrator rationalizing (furiously).

I didn't finish the story so maybe I don't get to make this comment, but if the newlyweds are supposed to be innocent, then soft swinging (couples fucking each other in front of others) would have been a better end to part 1. Two beds immediately suggested this to me.

I'd like to repeat: This is already a good story. I hope you'll write more. This story seems like it's begging for a part 2...

Thank you for the detailed feedback! No one knows I write these stories and I have no one to discuss them with.

I'll try to explain a few points,
My punctuation sucks, especially when used in dialogue. Thank you for the pointers, I will try and take them on board for my next story.

I gave a basic description of Kyle and Lisa so the reader can imagine them how they fantasize them to be.
(I probably could have given more detail.)

The description of the room and the counter tops was for 2 reasons. A) To try and flesh out the story a bit, I know the sex scenes I want to write but struggle not to rush into them. B) It gave me something to refer back to if I needed it when i started writing I didn't know who's room the couples would end up in.
In my previous story I tried to leave bread crumbs about what was happening to the narrators wife and also her underwear and dresses changed to reflect the change in her sexuality. i feel most readers missed this though.

I'll take on board what you said about Lisa getting in the hot tub, in my mind no one could see her getting in.
I have thought about it since I submitted it and should have had all of them skinny dipping when the younger couple realized they didn't have swimwear with them. ("slip in we wont look" kind thing)

Can I ask though why you didn't finish the story?

 

[darwin1859]

Can I ask though why you didn't finish the story?

It was late; I'll finish tonight (it was actually getting good).

And also I was reading it to give you feedback, and I felt like I had enough feedback to be helpful. It's also easier to read when I'm not distracted by trying to notice things to comment on...

 

[darwin1859]

My punctuation sucks, especially when used in dialogue. Thank you for the pointers, I will try and take them on board for my next story.

Forgot to address this point: You punctuate one very specific area in a consistently incorrect way. That's not a huge deal and it's very easy to fix. And I thought you wrote well.

If you "suck" I must have missed a bunch of errors. I don't think I did.

I think your grammar, word usage, etc. is fine; I'd be more worried about the plots issues I brought up. But those also are not a serious problem.

 

[darwin1859]

@badnews79 I read the rest of your story and again, it's good.

You expressed concern about mechanics, but I didn't think your concern is justified. There were (lots of) little errors, but they didn't impact the reader's understanding and they are not big things. You might want to address them because you prefer to have a polished look. Also, for people like me (who see the errors) it takes me from being immersed in your story to a point where I am no longer immersed and am thinking about the error. That's not a huge deal.

I have more feedback about the plot. For each point, if you don't think it would make the story better for you, then ignore it.

start: I was (weirdly) annoyed that I didn't learn Gavin's name until towards the end. Also, I personally would start telling the story from the get-go. And I'm still confused which story you're telling:

Cucking Gavin: Hi, my name is Gavin (24M) and I've always been insecure about my height (5'7") and physique, and I'm amazed that I landed such a hottie, but my bride Amanda (23F) is gorgeous, petite, brunette with a figure any woman would be jealous of... This is the story of how I was humiliated....
Cocky Gavin: Hi, my name is Gavin (24M) and I've always been good with the ladies. Case in point: it was no surprise when I started hooking up with the hottest girl in my level at uni and now she's lucky enough to be my blushing bride. Amanda (23F) is gorgeous, petite, brunette with a... This is the story about how I scored with another guy's wife...
Swinging Gavin: Hi, my name is Gavin (24M) and I'm over the moon about my blushing bride, Amanda (23F), who is gorgeous, petite, brunette with a... This is the story about how our eyes were opened to new possibilities.

confused which story you're telling: The bareback pregnancy risk makes it seem like this story is about cucking Gavin? But he's the narrator and aside from a couple isolated lines (the reminder for Kyle to wear a condom and the horror of Amada removing it) there's little indication he feels any humiliation (or, really, any emotion). I was very confused what I was supposed to be feeling. By "isolated" I mean, for example, he's horrified about Kyle barebacking his new bride (before him) and the next self-expression was "I could see how much better it felt for her." So I guess he doesn't care? This distracted me and I think the sex would have been better with much more slant towards the kink you're trying to portray.

kyle fucking amanda dominates the narrative. Surely, on purpose? But far too much for my enjoyment. This also made me think cucking Gavin was the main point. Lisa gives the narrator a blow job and [see below] all we hear about is Kyle fucking Amanda. There's literally no description of Lisa's blowjob. (And this is just one example, it's true in general). This was REALLY distracting and off-putting. Maybe for the right audience this is gold and I'm not part of that audience; but I think you'd be better off adding more details about Gavin's experiences... He likes fucking Lisa, right?

Lisa sat me the edge of the bed facing the bed Amanda and Kyle were on then she lowered herself down onto her knees in front of me and took me in her mouth.
[Kyle and Amanda fuck]
[Kyle and Amanda fuck]
[Kyle and Amanda fuck]
[Amanda] looked over and saw Lisa on her knees in front of me, [Kyle and Amanda fuck]
[Kyle and Amanda fuck]
I looked down at Lisa and pulled her up onto the bed, I laid her down and got beside her so I could play with her pussy. At the same time, my gaze drifted to the other bed where [Kyle and Amanda fuck]

little feeling/FP POV issues. Most of the sexy part of the story was devoid of any description of how things felt. Part of this is because you chose first-person and Gavin's not really having sex (I mean, he is having sex, but almost all we hear about is Kyle fucking his wife and Gavin cannot report firsthand how things felt for Kyle or Amanda). You cannot tell us about feelings in Kyle's or Amanda's head, so, you resort to Amanda and Lisa saying things ("I didn't know they could be this big!" [Amanda] said). And you talk about how it looks to Gavin (I could see how much better [Kyle's bareback] felt for her.) This wasn't enough for me. It felt like you described the mechanics but skimped on how everything felt. Third-person POV would have worked better for this story. You could also alternate FP POV (have the narration always FP but switch between characters), but I think that would be tricky. This was probably the biggest issue for me.

what next? I do think you should continue this story. I'm eager to see what's next. The rest of the night of fucking (i.e., of Kyle fucking the women)? Kyle dominating Gavin (e.g., by making him watch while he has a threesome with Lisa and Amanda). Amanda leaving Gavin now that she knows what she's missing? Amanda NOT leaving Gavin, but enjoying other men now that she knows what she's missing? Gavin learning that he likes Amanda hotwifing? Or that they just become swingers? It's perfectly clear that you are setting up a pregnancy where we won't know if Kyle or Gavin is the father, but I'm curious how you plan on treating this.

 

[badnews79]

@badnews79 I read the rest of your story and again, it's good.

You expressed concern about mechanics, but I didn't think your concern is justified. There were (lots of) little errors, but they didn't impact the reader's understanding and they are not big things. You might want to address them because you prefer to have a polished look. Also, for people like me (who see the errors) it takes me from being immersed in your story to a point where I am no longer immersed and am thinking about the error. That's not a huge deal.

I have more feedback about the plot. For each point, if you don't think it would make the story better for you, then ignore it.

start: I was (weirdly) annoyed that I didn't learn Gavin's name until towards the end. Also, I personally would start telling the story from the get-go. And I'm still confused which story you're telling:


confused which story you're telling: The bareback pregnancy risk makes it seem like this story is about cucking Gavin? But he's the narrator and aside from a couple isolated lines (the reminder for Kyle to wear a condom and the horror of Amada removing it) there's little indication he feels any humiliation (or, really, any emotion). I was very confused what I was supposed to be feeling. By "isolated" I mean, for example, he's horrified about Kyle barebacking his new bride (before him) and the next self-expression was "I could see how much better it felt for her." So I guess he doesn't care? This distracted me and I think the sex would have been better with much more slant towards the kink you're trying to portray.

kyle fucking amanda dominates the narrative. Surely, on purpose? But far too much for my enjoyment. This also made me think cucking Gavin was the main point. Lisa gives the narrator a blow job and [see below] all we hear about is Kyle fucking Amanda. There's literally no description of Lisa's blowjob. (And this is just one example, it's true in general). This was REALLY distracting and off-putting. Maybe for the right audience this is gold and I'm not part of that audience; but I think you'd be better off adding more details about Gavin's experiences... He likes fucking Lisa, right?



little feeling/FP POV issues. Most of the sexy part of the story was devoid of any description of how things felt. Part of this is because you chose first-person and Gavin's not really having sex (I mean, he is having sex, but almost all we hear about is Kyle fucking his wife and Gavin cannot report firsthand how things felt for Kyle or Amanda). You cannot tell us about feelings in Kyle's or Amanda's head, so, you resort to Amanda and Lisa saying things ("I didn't know they could be this big!" [Amanda] said). And you talk about how it looks to Gavin (I could see how much better [Kyle's bareback] felt for her.) This wasn't enough for me. It felt like you described the mechanics but skimped on how everything felt. Third-person POV would have worked better for this story. You could also alternate FP POV (have the narration always FP but switch between characters), but I think that would be tricky. This was probably the biggest issue for me.

what next? I do think you should continue this story. I'm eager to see what's next. The rest of the night of fucking (i.e., of Kyle fucking the women)? Kyle dominating Gavin (e.g., by making him watch while he has a threesome with Lisa and Amanda). Amanda leaving Gavin now that she knows what she's missing? Amanda NOT leaving Gavin, but enjoying other men now that she knows what she's missing? Gavin learning that he likes Amanda hotwifing? Or that they just become swingers? It's perfectly clear that you are setting up a pregnancy where we won't know if Kyle or Gavin is the father, but I'm curious how you plan on treating this.

I have been thinking about the onesidedness of the story telling as well, I think in my head Gavin was just so enthralled by watching his wife get fucked by Kyle he kinda forgot all about his own pleasure.
I wanted to make sure this was a group sex story and not a cuckold story, Just 2 couples having a great night together all having great sex.
On reflection i should have written more about the sex Gavin was having with Lisa.
The story would have been more aligned with what i wanted if both Gavin and Amanda were learning from Kyle and Lisa about how to please and be pleased.
The next story forming in my head doesn't involve group sex, hopefully this will give me some practice on describing 1st person sex a bit better.

 

[Voyeurkenneth]

Nice story, first of all! I decided to give it a shot because I generally like this theme. Having scanned everyone else's comments, I'll add my two cents.

• I'm also not the biggest fan of having the first paragraph be body descriptions, but to your credit, I think the set-up that followed availed itself quite well. I think your prose was mostly smooth, with very few typos.
• I noticed you had capitalized verbs in the middle of the sentence. "Purred" was one instance, but there were a few more. For example, the incorrect capitalization of Naked in this sentence maybe should've been a new sentence: "Knowing she couldn't be seen she slipped the straps of her dress from her shoulders and let the fabric fall to the floor, Naked she stepped into the steaming water."
• To expand on the point of view comment by darwin, the instance that stuck out to me is when Amanda goes off to dance with Kyle. You lay out their dance floor conversation, but it threw me off because Gavin is meant to be the 1st person narrator. And Gavin is presumably off the distance with Lisa, so it wouldn't have been possible for him to hear and narrate his wife's conversation. The way you wrote Amanda and Kyle's conversation is more akin to 3rd person POV. But again, you had already established it as a 1st person story.
• I'll admit that the punctuation and grammar issues were a tad distracting for me, personally. It kept taking me out of the story, but I'd say that you shouldn't let that discourage you. For many readers, it's not a dealbreaker. I think you're a good writer, with definite room for improvement. Good luck on your writing journey! =)

 

[badnews79]

Nice story, first of all! I decided to give it a shot because I generally like this theme. Having scanned everyone else's comments, I'll add my two cents.

• I'm also not the biggest fan of having the first paragraph be body descriptions, but to your credit, I think the set-up that followed availed itself quite well. I think your prose was mostly smooth, with very few typos.
• I noticed you had capitalized verbs in the middle of the sentence. "Purred" was one instance, but there were a few more. For example, the incorrect capitalization of Naked in this sentence maybe should've been a new sentence: "Knowing she couldn't be seen she slipped the straps of her dress from her shoulders and let the fabric fall to the floor, Naked she stepped into the steaming water."
• To expand on the point of view comment by darwin, the instance that stuck out to me is when Amanda goes off to dance with Kyle. You lay out their dance floor conversation, but it threw me off because Gavin is meant to be the 1st person narrator. And Gavin is presumably off the distance with Lisa, so it wouldn't have been possible for him to hear and narrate his wife's conversation. The way you wrote Amanda and Kyle's conversation is more akin to 3rd person POV. But again, you had already established it as a 1st person story.
• I'll admit that the punctuation and grammar issues were a tad distracting for me, personally. It kept taking me out of the story, but I'd say that you shouldn't let that discourage you. For many readers, it's not a dealbreaker. I think you're a good writer, with definite room for improvement. Good luck on your writing journey! =)

Can I ask what worked for you in the story?

 

[Voyeurkenneth]

Can I ask what worked for you in the story?

I enjoyed the way you described the setting, the initial character interactions. Paragraphs like these below, when I read them, help me to "trust the author," knowing their writing has a bit of style that goes beyond what could be a more straightforward description:

The bathroom was equally grand. A sleek double walk-in shower dominated the space with rainfall shower heads promising indulgence. Plush white towels were stacked neatly and every amenity we could possibly need was stocked on the vanity--high-end soaps, lotions and even a few toiletries we hadn't thought to bring.

I squirted a large dollop of the cool lotion into my hand and began rubbing it across her back spreading it evenly over her sun-kissed skin. She sighed softly at my touch rolling her shoulders slightly as I worked the sunscreen in. My hands moved over the curve of her spine and as I glanced around the pool area I noticed a few of the other men stealing glances in her direction.

 

[catrinaclarke]

Didn't get a chance to read it all but what I read was good. I think you could maybe make your paragraphs a little longer, but that's just a suggestion.