New Story Inspired by Georgia Girl

[Lord Greystoke]

Just had this one approved, stop by and see what you think:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=111251

 

[wornoutkeyboard]

Lord G....

I try to write my critiques at the same time I read the story, so thats how I am doing this.

1. I really like and appreciate your writing style, you have really begun to capture the "conversational" 1st person POV...but I still think you could use a little work transitioning into explication.

2. IMO, I don't care for outright descriptions (eg- height, weight) and so I can say that when I reached that part it was a little bit of a stumbling block for me.

3. Your grammar needs a little work. You appear to have a LOT of comma splices. I know its easy to get trapped into that habit, particularly if some misguided and foolheartedly person told you at one time to put a comma everywhere you pause when you read aloud. Alas...if it were only that easy. Here is one example for you:

QUOTE:
But this one girl, no scratch that, this woman, she's the one who stole my heart.

Here is a rewrite suggestion to get rid of the comma splice:

But this one girl...no scratch that...this woman; she's the one who stole my heart.

Since you are using a conversational tone, using elipses is perfectly ok to indicate that the narrator is faltering in his speech patterns. Just don't over do it and you'll be fine.

4. I really liked that you developed a vast majority of the exposition (less the height/weight thing) throughout the story. It really captures me as a reader and moves me forward.

5. You are excellent at writing dialogue. Very capturing and natural and you transitioned into it very well.

6. This line is a little weak for me, but it could just be me:
QUOTE:
I was totally captivated by her and she had definitely woven a spell or something around me.
...I guess it leaves me wondering what the "or something" is...lol.

7. I know what ur trying to say in this section, but it just read really awkward to me. I like the point you are making...but its not easy to read.
QUOTE:
Don't get me wrong, I wasn't undressing her or anything at this time, I was just doing what most men do automatically. I was appraising her without judgement. In my eyes she was a beauty, a knock-out, and yes I realize that beauty IS in the eye of the beholder, but I am just relaying to you, the reader what had smitten me. I was completely taken by her.

Since this is a long story (and well worth the read in its entirety) I'm not going to go "line by line" all the way thru it. I think I hit some of the major good/poor areas in my analysis above.

What I think you have here is a good story and it is well told. I think there are still some awkward usages of words and some minor stumbling blocks but all-in-all, it was a refreshing read.

Thanks for sharing.

~WOK

 

[dr_mabeuse]

It was kind of long for me, and it seemed to moving awfully slowly for me. I confess to being a very impatient reader: if you don't hook my interest in the first half of the first Lit page, you've lost me. In half a Lit page I could see that he was going to meet this girl and that they were going to bed together, but nothing else grabbed my interest. But I admit that my impatience is a defect of mine, and I'll take WOKB's word for it that the story's worth reading.

You write well, though I'm suspicious of the conversational tone of the first-person voice for a number of reasons. Badly done, a story in such an informal conversational tone starts to feel like you've been buttonholed by some guy at a party who insists on telling you this long story. Your story wasn't like that, but I've seen it happen, and my guard immediately goes up when I run into something like this.

Also, there's a tendency to use too many figures of conversational speech (Like "Don't ask me if..." which you do use an awful lot.)

There's also a tendency for the narrator to get subjective about things, telling us stuff like "She was beautiful" rather than describing her so that we could see how beautiful she was. For instance: "Her breasts were what every man only dreams and fantasizes about..." tells us what he thought of them but tell us absolutely nothing about what her breasts looked like, so we have to take his word for it. This is what they mean by telling and not showing. This can happen in any voice, but it's especially common in this kind of conversationally-told story. The result is that everything's filtered through the narrator's perceptions.

A lot of this is just my own tastes and prejudices, of course.

All that being said, you write well, at least in this style. I thought you handled their meeting at the supermarket very well, the dialogue, his feelings, and you seem to have the skills to pull of whatever kind of scene you want. I'd just like to see something a little more formal, maybe third person, with more description.

---dr.M.

 

[Lord Greystoke]

Thank you for the critiques. I will take them to heart. Hopefully I will get better with time. I enjoy writing and it seems here I have found a place for this so-called 'hobby'

LG.

 

[Lord Greystoke]

Thank you for the critiques. I will take them to heart. Hopefully I will get better with time. I enjoy writing and it seems here I have found a place for this so-called 'hobby'

Maybe, you can take a look at the one I wrote under the username of IM4U2003, entitled "Possession" it is a two parter though.

Again thanks
LG.