new stories feedback wanted
- Thread starter icebaby
- Start date
BigTexan
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Oct 4, 2002
- Posts
- 268
Feedback on "Halloween Story"
Icebaby, This is feedback on "Halloween Story".
The first part of the story was pretty good. I was thrown off a little by the first paragraph, but that was just a cultural language thing with the word "mate". Here that means your SO, I take it that for you it means "friend". So I got over it once the context caught up.
Okay, now on to the story. I think the story could have been improved by dialog. The little dialog that actually was in the story was not quoted or broken out. Doing that would have improved the story.
You have some grammatical problems. Missed comma's, wrong words, etc.
Were the hell was it coming from as I turned I saw him a vision of pure sex long black hair a body to die for and dressed head to toe in shiny black leather, Looking into my eyes he said want a drink babe, Sitting at the bar I looked at his hands imaging them roaming over my body, could feel his mouth licking away the wetness between my legs,
should be something like.
Where the hell was it coming from? As I turned I saw him; a vision of pure sex with long black hair, a body to die for, and dressed head to toe in shiny black leather.
Looking into my eyes he said, "want a drink babe?"
Sitting at the bar, I looked at his hands. I imagined them roaming over my body. I could feel his mouth licking away the wetness between my legs.
I didn't feel like the end was believable. She's in her apartment and a bunch of guys just burst in during sex and rape her? And after one scream she's pretty okay with this? Then all of a sudden he grows fangs. You could have set this all up and made it work, but there was no setup, no lead in, no foreshadowing. That is pretty basic storytelling. Some famous author once said that you can't shoot a gun in act three if you don't see it over the fireplace in act 1. Or something like that. In this story the ending was too much of a stretch because it wasn't alluded to at the stories start.
The sex in the story is very hot. You do a good job of being erotic.
Well anyway, all this is just my opinion. I hope it helps and is what you were looking for. Good luck and keep writing.
BigTexan
Icebaby, This is feedback on "Halloween Story".
The first part of the story was pretty good. I was thrown off a little by the first paragraph, but that was just a cultural language thing with the word "mate". Here that means your SO, I take it that for you it means "friend". So I got over it once the context caught up.
Okay, now on to the story. I think the story could have been improved by dialog. The little dialog that actually was in the story was not quoted or broken out. Doing that would have improved the story.
You have some grammatical problems. Missed comma's, wrong words, etc.
Were the hell was it coming from as I turned I saw him a vision of pure sex long black hair a body to die for and dressed head to toe in shiny black leather, Looking into my eyes he said want a drink babe, Sitting at the bar I looked at his hands imaging them roaming over my body, could feel his mouth licking away the wetness between my legs,
should be something like.
Where the hell was it coming from? As I turned I saw him; a vision of pure sex with long black hair, a body to die for, and dressed head to toe in shiny black leather.
Looking into my eyes he said, "want a drink babe?"
Sitting at the bar, I looked at his hands. I imagined them roaming over my body. I could feel his mouth licking away the wetness between my legs.
I didn't feel like the end was believable. She's in her apartment and a bunch of guys just burst in during sex and rape her? And after one scream she's pretty okay with this? Then all of a sudden he grows fangs. You could have set this all up and made it work, but there was no setup, no lead in, no foreshadowing. That is pretty basic storytelling. Some famous author once said that you can't shoot a gun in act three if you don't see it over the fireplace in act 1. Or something like that. In this story the ending was too much of a stretch because it wasn't alluded to at the stories start.
The sex in the story is very hot. You do a good job of being erotic.
Well anyway, all this is just my opinion. I hope it helps and is what you were looking for. Good luck and keep writing.
BigTexan
re feedback
Hi Big Texan
Yes thanks this is what i were looking for, any feedback good or bad is helpful, i hope i have improved my grammatical problems somewhat in my second story as i know i have problems this is what you get for skipping school as a young girl, glad i can get the sex and erotic right dont know if my old teachers would aprove (mind you some of them might) lol thanks again
Hi Big Texan
Yes thanks this is what i were looking for, any feedback good or bad is helpful, i hope i have improved my grammatical problems somewhat in my second story as i know i have problems this is what you get for skipping school as a young girl, glad i can get the sex and erotic right dont know if my old teachers would aprove (mind you some of them might) lol thanks again
damppanties
Tinkle, twinkle
- Joined
- May 7, 2002
- Posts
- 16,276
Re: re feedback
icebaby, if you have problems with your spelling or grammar, the easiest thing would be to look for an editor. Believe me, its not as hard as people tell you. It's not easy either, you'll have to work a little to find someone, but its worth it. There are many nice folks here who would be willing to look over your story before it's posted. Just ask them in a polite mail if they would be willing to see your story and edit it. Getting your story edited helps a lot.
-DP.
icebaby said:Hi Big Texan
Yes thanks this is what i were looking for, any feedback good or bad is helpful, i hope i have improved my grammatical problems somewhat in my second story as i know i have problems this is what you get for skipping school as a young girl, glad i can get the sex and erotic right dont know if my old teachers would aprove (mind you some of them might) lol thanks again
icebaby, if you have problems with your spelling or grammar, the easiest thing would be to look for an editor. Believe me, its not as hard as people tell you. It's not easy either, you'll have to work a little to find someone, but its worth it. There are many nice folks here who would be willing to look over your story before it's posted. Just ask them in a polite mail if they would be willing to see your story and edit it. Getting your story edited helps a lot.
-DP.
damppanties
Tinkle, twinkle
- Joined
- May 7, 2002
- Posts
- 16,276
I just read My Faceless Friend.
Great story! But you really need to edit it. There were spelling mistakes, long paragraphs, grammatical errors... well, just about everything. I thought of pointing out some errors here but there are too many.
What I really liked was that the story was told from her point of view. I could almost feel the whole thing happening. You really have a way with words and can draw the reader into the story.
I especially liked the thoughts which made up the first part, where she's giving him a show. It was too good.
One thing which I didn't understand was the change in her attitude in the end. She simply gets to like it in the end. Why?
Please get an editor. I hate to see such a good story and a lack of proper language in it.
Keep writing.
-DP.
Great story! But you really need to edit it. There were spelling mistakes, long paragraphs, grammatical errors... well, just about everything. I thought of pointing out some errors here but there are too many.
What I really liked was that the story was told from her point of view. I could almost feel the whole thing happening. You really have a way with words and can draw the reader into the story.
I especially liked the thoughts which made up the first part, where she's giving him a show. It was too good.
One thing which I didn't understand was the change in her attitude in the end. She simply gets to like it in the end. Why?
Please get an editor. I hate to see such a good story and a lack of proper language in it.
Keep writing.
-DP.
Last edited:
re feedback
hi thanks for your coments but autually i did have it edited and they have looked it over again after your coments and said they could only find minor problems with it?
mabye i should look for someone else to edit for me and would like it if anyone could have a look at the story and let me have their feedback on it http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=65614
I do welcome any feedback or help as i have struggled to overcome dyslexia and hope i am making some progress so hope your will all understand if i do mess up a bit sometime`s
anyway as for why she changed her attitude at the end " if i found someone who could give me that many orgasm`s think i would soon learn to enjoy him wouldent you?
thanks again
hi thanks for your coments but autually i did have it edited and they have looked it over again after your coments and said they could only find minor problems with it?
mabye i should look for someone else to edit for me and would like it if anyone could have a look at the story and let me have their feedback on it http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=65614
I do welcome any feedback or help as i have struggled to overcome dyslexia and hope i am making some progress so hope your will all understand if i do mess up a bit sometime`s
anyway as for why she changed her attitude at the end " if i found someone who could give me that many orgasm`s think i would soon learn to enjoy him wouldent you?
thanks again
damppanties
Tinkle, twinkle
- Joined
- May 7, 2002
- Posts
- 16,276
Re: re feedback
I'll have a go icebaby.
Ahhhh.... *a bulb lights over my head somewhere*!! lol.
-DP.
icebaby said:
I'll have a go icebaby.
icebaby said:anyway as for why she changed her attitude at the end " if i found someone who could give me that many orgasm`s think i would soon learn to enjoy him wouldent you?
thanks again
Ahhhh.... *a bulb lights over my head somewhere*!! lol.
-DP.
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