New Poster and Writer

[solahsystah22]

New Writer Needs Feedback

Hi all,

I've been lurking around literotica for quite awhile now, but have never written a story here before. I just got one accepted today, and I'm wondering what you all think about it. Any ?s/comments/suggestions are welcome and appreciated.

Link Here:
Estelle's Rebirth

-systah

 

[solahsystah22]

Aw come on, no takers?

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I read it and thought it was very good for a first-timer. I mean, you write well, the mechanics were great, and there's nothing wrong with the style. It's a good, solid story; very good by Literotica standards. Your characters have personality and they do things besides screw. It's very impressive, especially for a debut.

However (you knew there was a "however" coming, didn't you?) the thing that kept it from being a great story (in my opinion, of course), is that it seemed to be missing some sort of sparkle or passion, something to make it truly memorable. I know it's just supposed to be a light-hearted first-timer story, and so your limited by the form. I just don't know how good a story like this can be. It has no tension or drama, just two girls getting it on for the first time and having great sex.

I do think the beginning is a little long. I don't know that we need to know all that detail about you to appreciate the story, and I think you make the mistake of talking to the reader a bit too much instead of standing aside and letting us see what's going on: the old shibboleth of telling and not showing. But once the sex starts you get us into the picture.

The only thing I can think to tell you is maybe try to work some more drama into the next one. This is Estelle's first time, after all, and I'd think she'd be a little more curious or uncertain about what it all means. Is she a lesbian? Is she bi? Is she in love with Jaqui? Why'd she go to an all black school in the first place? (Did I miss that? I might have. I skimmed over a lot of her bio.)

Personally, I find stories of happy, care-free sex between nice, caring people are usually pretty dull. This is better than most, but it still suffers from any lack of conflict or the feeling that anything's really changed. If we don’t find the drama between the characters, then we usually expect there to be some wild and extreme sex. Something punchy.

They say that the Good is the enemy of the Great. I think this is a good example of that. It's a very good story, it just misses being Great.

Best,

---dr.M.

 

[Meladie]

Hi!

I'm a first timer here, too. I've read your story, and really liked it.

I'm trying to get the nerve to post mine.

 

[solahsystah22]

Dr. Mabeuse

Thanks for the feedback. I realize that I was a bit long in the beginning of the story, but it was for the purpose of character development. I wanted people to have a sense of who she was before I got into the "meat" of the story, if you will. Any suggestions as to how I can still accomplish that without being so long-winded?

As far as drama is concerned, I didn't really think about that when I was writing, but I will definitely try to include some in my future stories.

Estelle was a sheltered child, a virgin, so she didn't really have a label or preference when it came to sex. Sort of a blank slate. The idea of her going to an all black school was that she wanted to get as far away from her father and grandmother's stifling... guardianship.

The point I was trying to get across as far as anything different happening is that Estelle changed from an innocent, sheltered girl into a sexually confident woman. Perhaps as you say I missed out on some of the drama.

I'm glad that overall you liked my story though, and there's really only one way to go from here, right? Up. I like that.

 

[solahsystah22]

Melanie

Thanks for the feedback Melanie. Please, I'd love to read your stories if you post them. So please do, you've got nothing to lose!

 

[BooMerengue]

Thanks for the feedback. I realize that I was a bit long in the beginning of the story, but it was for the purpose of character development. I wanted people to have a sense of who she was before I got into the "meat" of the story, if you will. Any suggestions as to how I can still accomplish that without being so long-winded?

Heres something to try for character development. Find a Stephen King Paperback and a handful of different colored highliters. Light up each character in a seperate color for each. Then go back and read. Stephen King (imho) is a Master at portraying a person in all their vileness/goodness in very few words. Maybe some of it is because most of us know who his characters are going to be when we pick up the book.

You get good examples of this in The Stand. It's kinda long though. But worth the read.

...and just write and write and write.

 

[solahsystah22]

That's a great idea. I've read quite a few Stephen King books, and he and Robin Cook are two of the best as far as character development goes. I agree with you, but as dr Mabeuse pointed out, the beginning of my story was quite long. I just don't know how to get the reader into the story and introduce the characters sufficiently without going on and on and on....

Any suggestions on how to do that?

 

[victoria.vixen]

connect the character development to the sex

I've been lurking around literotica for quite awhile now, but have never written a story here before. I just got one accepted today, and I'm wondering what you all think about it. Any ?s/comments/suggestions are welcome and appreciated.

Link Here:
Estelle's Rebirth

Hi systah, I liked it very much -- thanks for bringing my attention to it. The lengthy introduction made me believe I was reading about real people, or at least realistic people. I also wrote you off-list, but in a nutshell I think it would be sexy to connect the character development and back story to the relationship and the sex.

Yours,

Victoria

 

[solahsystah22]

Thanks very much for the feedback Victoria. I have a habit of long introductions, as you probably know now.. LOL At any rate, I'm now working on a wank story just for the guys

Let me know when you want to start on that chain story, and how we should go about doing it. I was thinking maybe in the form of love letters back and forth... how's that sound?

 

[victoria.vixen]

Let me know when you want to start on that chain story, and how we should go about doing it. I was thinking maybe in the form of love letters back and forth... how's that sound?

Love letters sound positively dreamy.

 

[BooMerengue]

That's a great idea. I've read quite a few Stephen King books, and he and Robin Cook are two of the best as far as character development goes. I agree with you, but as dr Mabeuse pointed out, the beginning of my story was quite long. I just don't know how to get the reader into the story and introduce the characters sufficiently without going on and on and on....

Any suggestions on how to do that?

Intro them as they appear in the story- not all at the beginjning. Just a few words to get started... their personality will come out in their actions.

 

[solahsystah22]

That's great... Never thought to do it like that. I'm working on a new story now, and I think I'll revamp it a bit. Just so people don't get TOO bored in the beginning and decide to skip the whole thing, that's the idea here.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

The problem with using a character's history as a way of trying tyo describe character is that it doesn't really work. A girl from a sheltered background could be simple and naive or she could be a norn-again hell-raiser once she gets out form under her parents' thumb.

Character is revealed through what character says, thinks and does. Rather than telling us all about her family background, one simple scene of her reaction to, say, two girls holding hands or kissing when she first got on campus would have told us all we needed to know about her attitudes towards sex and lesbianism, and would have done it by showing and not telling.

I thought Estelle's background was kind if wasted. I knew you were trying to set her up as virginal and unexperienced, but even though she tells us she'd never even seen a person naked, once the action starts she has no qualms about jumping in the sack with Jacqui whatsoever. So what was all that virginal and naive stuff about if we never got to see her overcome those feelings?

That's what you call character without consequence, like when you have a really bad guy come into your story and do nothing. If we're told he's bad, we expect to see him do some bad things. If we're told Estelle's naive, we expect to see her shocked at Jacqui's seduction and grappling with her conscience about her lesbian feelings.

 

[solahsystah22]

I can understand everything that you're saying. It's funny how hindsight can really open you up to different possibilities. I can use this as a stepping stone and hopefully get better from here on. Showing and not telling is where I want to be in telling stories.

I'm afraid that the next chapter in Jacqui and Estelle's lif might be more of the same, partly because I submitted it before reading much of the feedback on this one. But maybe since I felt I'd introduced the characters in the first story, I didn't make the beginning as lengthy. If you want to read it, it's called Jacqui and Estelle, and the link is in my sig.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I can understand everything that you're saying. It's funny how hindsight can really open you up to different possibilities.

You're telling me! It's amazing how much you don't see until a story goes up before the entire world, and suddenly you see it standing there with its clothes all torn and its zipper open.

But in your case, we can always quibble about content, but no one can fault you on your mechanics or style. You're already a good writer, now it's just a matter of getting even better.

I'll see if I can read the new one when I have more time. As I said, it's nice to reads someone who's so in command of their technique.

--dr.M.

 

[Staceylovesyou]

Nice, keep em coming. Love the premise