New Poem

[polarized]

Hello everyone in Lit land! I have never posted before but I have been reading for several years some of the great stories and poems that this sight has to offer

I am a really shy person so it took forever getting the courage to post this but I would love to see if I am even going in a positive direction with these.

So don't be shy I prepared myself for whatever criticism that comes my way. The good bad or ugly, it can only help. I hope! hehe


Sometimes

Sometimes I am filled with a sea of blue
despair, loneliness
crushing is this melancholy mood.

Drops of moisture, tiny, serene
trickle slowly before they gush
pouring down from me.

My drawn red face contorted with all my pain
thoughts of death, choking, pulling me away.
Then instantly with a flash of a brow
smile on my face, it will come to me.

My heart has opened now, I let myself go
deep and swiftly my thoughts rush forth.
I have thought of you, sweet images to set me free.

So much my heart flutters now, beating like a drum
felicity is with me, these warm tears that turned to love
no longer brushing them away.

I put them to words, simple, simplistic
for I could never explain.

sometimes I cry a tear or two
they trickle down the side
but when I cry I think of you
and happiness will arrive.



This started off with the simple version directly above and at one point I decided to see what else I could make of it. Hope you enjoyed

Take care

 

[Liar]

Hiyah and welcome.

It's way part my bedtime, and I'm way too sloshed, so I'll check out your poem tomorrow.

 

[polarized]

Thank you for the welcome Liar

No problem on the reply, I had just posted that and did not expect anything so soon, I was off to bed as well.

Again I would love any feedback even if it's harsh.


Thanks again and take care

 

[Liar]

Ok, here we go. Sorry about the delay, time's been a rare commodoty.

I hope you are serious about "The good bad or ugly". There are lots of things I think you should rethink about this poem. I'll try not to get too ugly about it though. It's all in good spirit, take it as you wish.

I've read through the poem several times, and I'm still not quite sure what it is you are trying to describe.

I think you have done what many beginner poets do: You seem to have strung together pretty lines that sound poetic, but not fully thought through why.

A good way to evaluate what you write is to keep that word in mind and go through your own text: Why? Why have I written this line over here and that word over there?

If you want to make me connect with what you are trying to describe, you must give it to me in a way that is universal enough to be understood. That probably means sacrificing eloquent and overly dramatic lines like "a sea of blue despair" and "swiftly my thoughts rush forth" for something more hands-on

Another thing that is hard for a stranger to connect with is when you just plain out tell them "I feel pain" or "I am happy" (which you do alot, but again, in prettier phrases). The only thing that results in is the reader registering that the poem says that. It doesn't make the reader feel, or understand what you feel.

Actually, the best, most tangible part is the little verse in the end. If that was the part you wanted to evolve, I think you went in the wrong direction. You made it more abstract, complicated and hard to connect with emotionally for a reader. Sometimes it's better not to complicate things.

What you could try instead, is developing the same verse by adding real-life physical details (instead of abstract mental imagery). For instance How the once sad puddle of tears you cried reflects your smiling face back, or something like that? Or...eh...something. That can be tricky to get right too. But I think it's worth a shot.

Anyway, good luck and keep writing.

(And read. The best way to evolve as a poet imo is to read and be inspired by good poetry.)

 

[polarized]

Ok, here we go. Sorry about the delay, time's been a rare commodoty.

No problem, I am just happy to get some input

hope you are serious about "The good bad or ugly". There are lots of things I think you should rethink about this poem. I'll try not to get too ugly about it though. It's all in good spirit, take it as you wish.

I was very serious and figure if my writing is going to get any better I should be able to take in the criticism and learn from it.

I've read through the poem several times, and I'm still not quite sure what it is you are trying to describe.

When I originally wrote the last verse I thought it sounded to simple, so I decided I would try writing it over.

I think you have done what many beginner poets do: You seem to have strung together pretty lines that sound poetic, but not fully thought through why.

A good way to evaluate what you write is to keep that word in mind and go through your own text: Why? Why have I written this line over here and that word over there?

"why" Hmm that is a good question, maybe I thought to long on certain areas complicating what I originally wanted to say, I re-wrote that several times thinking again that is sounded to simplistic.

On the other hand the "why have you written this line over here and that word over there?" I guess I did not think enough on the why.

If you want to make me connect with what you are trying to describe, you must give it to me in a way that is universal enough to be understood. That probably means sacrificing eloquent and overly dramatic lines like "a sea of blue despair" and "swiftly my thoughts rush forth" for something more hands-on

Another thing that is hard for a stranger to connect with is when you just plain out tell them "I feel pain" or "I am happy" (which you do alot, but again, in prettier phrases). The only thing that results in is the reader registering that the poem says that. It doesn't make the reader feel, or understand what you feel.

Actually, the best, most tangible part is the little verse in the end. If that was the part you wanted to evolve, I think you went in the wrong direction. You made it more abstract, complicated and hard to connect with emotionally for a reader. Sometimes it's better not to complicate things.

I sort of understand what you mean regarding a reader being able to register what the poem says but being unable to feel or understand how the person writing it felt.

Although I would think some one reading it could understand that whoever wrote it, felt pain, thought of some one special to them and then felt happy with that thought?

I can however see that it does not bring those feelings to life for the reader to feel along with the person writing it. If any of that makes sense? Maybe that is my problem? I don't make sense lol

What you could try instead, is developing the same verse by adding real-life physical details (instead of abstract mental imagery). For instance How the once sad puddle of tears you cried reflects your smiling face back, or something like that? Or...eh...something. That can be tricky to get right too. But I think it's worth a shot.

Anyway, good luck and keep writing.

(And read. The best way to evolve as a poet imo is to read and be inspired by good poetry.)

Thank you for taking the time with that helpful and honest reply

I definitely plan to keep reading, writing and checking out some of the links from this sight in hopes of bettering my writings.

thanks again!

 

[WickedEve]

Thank you for taking the time with that helpful and honest reply

I definitely plan to keep reading, writing and checking out some of the links from this sight in hopes of bettering my writings.

thanks again!

So many could learn from your wonderful attitude. I believe your writing will certainly improve.

 

[polarized]

So many could learn from your wonderful attitude. I believe your writing will certainly improve.

I figure so long as I am having fun with writing and it makes me feel good it doesn't matter all that much if I make no sense to others

But I will keep plugging away and hopefully at some point It will improve

Speaking of improving I posted a poem in the link below, and not wanting to hijack that thread I will post it in here as well. So please tell me what you think. Hopefully it shows some improvement.

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=412761

She hides behind a layer
tender features out of sight
silken and soft like no other
yet pale if compared.


Buried even deeper
lies yet another layer
a face you cannot see
void not showing
even unveiled she can hide
Not wanting to be seen.

 

[WickedEve]

The second poem is quite nice, especially the first stanza, which I find interesting. I'd like to read more about the woman. I want to know why she is hiding, why she's pale.

 

[polarized]

The second poem is quite nice, especially the first stanza, which I find interesting. I'd like to read more about the woman. I want to know why she is hiding, why she's pale.

Yay! It was my intention to have the reader wanting to know more about her. "wanting to know why she is hiding"

I think perhaps that will be my next goal, to try and complete that poem so people won't wonder why.

As for "why she's pale" Hmm this could ruin how you felt about the first stanza since I was referring to the silken veil covering her face, being paled in comparison to her. At the same time I was hoping the line "silken and soft like no other" could possibly have you wondering if that was about her or the layer.

I most likely put that into the wrong words for it's meaning, confusing you or whoever else reads it?