New poem- Just Wondering

[flores88]

This is my first time posting a poem on here so hopefully I'm doing this right. As for the poem I wrote for my girlfriend, hope everyone enjoys it. Any feedback is welcomed.


I was just wondering about you
As my mind was wandering into your bedroom
Where you laid sexy and smooth as that black g-string
That makes my G’s stutter
Trying to mutter under heavy breath
Ggod your fine
Excuse me as I’m about to cross the line
So if you take offense I suggest you keep from reading the next line
Cause this isn’t some sappy and happy
I want to hold you through the night poem, although that’s cool too
This is more of a I want to pull your hair
And give you a dangerous stare kinda poem
Where I slide my hand down between your thighs and feel your wetness
As your hand is reaching down taking hold of what might as well be the center
of my emotions kinda poem
Bad thoughts now manifesting into things I want to do
What would you do if I just said I wanted to fuck you
Pressing my body on to yours tighter and harder as if we were standing in a crowded room
My mouth getting wet in anticipation of that first gentle lick
As flashes of you riding me pass my thoughts
Starting to let go of those feelings I’ve tried to keep locked up
I feel drunk with my need for you
If you only knew I would do anything you asked me to
My desire being only to please you, like you were some kind of
Goddess that I had to sacrifice to
I was just wondering this as I entered your room
Slowly and cautious trying to hide my lustful intents
Biting my lip to keep from saying something I might just regret
Laying next to you, I try to catch my breath, and instead catch a glimpse of your eyes and you catch the look in mine
The look that says I want your legs wrapped around me, pushing me deeper into you
With bites on my neck and nails down my back
Trying to speak under heavy breath,
Yeah baby just like that
Then look up at you as I kiss and slide my tongue down past your stomach
Grabbing my hair and taking me there, to that place I love
That place I can’t get enough of
Where my tongue dances erotically for you, slowly sliding down your inner thigh
Caressing and licking until my tongue slides inside
And you let out a moan and a little sigh that says you want me
Inside you
To fuck you
To taste your wetness, to lick your clit until your back arches and your thighs shudder with desire
Not wanting it to stop but begging to be released
My fingers sliding in and out making you beg me please
My lips and tongue sucking and fucking your wet pussy
Making my cock throb and my head dizzy
I was just wondering all this when you walked into the room
And you found me there with my eyes closed and my jeans open
You approached me then, nice and slow
Knowing exactly what to do and where to go
And now I don’t have to wonder anymore….

 

[foehn]

Feedback

Well, I noticed you hadn't gotten any feedback yet, and hate to see anyone being ignored. You also said feedback was welcome, so I'll give it a shot, and will try not to offend.

First off, this isn't (for me) an erotic poem, but rather, erotic prose (leaning in towards pornographic! - lol).

Let me give my reasons. I believe it's too wordy to be a poem, with none but accidental and rare flourishes of language that I expect to find in a poem. The language is conversational and plain, for me. The lines are arbitrary, so that the piece could be read, as far as I'm concerned, just as well as a short-short-short story, in paragraph form.

The things I expect to find in "poetry" are missing... And while I understand that the piece is genuine and sincere, and also your first posting here, I'd urge you to study or review some of the characteristics of the poetic arts.

I'm not saying that the piece is "bad," only that it lacks the twinge of magic that turns prose into poetry for me. You're with me so far, right?

Also, I don't want you to get the idea that I think I am keeper of all the "rules" or "standards" or whatever. I'm just giving you an honest reaction as humbly as I can.

All that being said, here are some directions I would point you toward:

-- slow down your thought processes, and try to find different and unique ways of saying things that may make a reader say "Wow" to themselves.

-- immerse yourself in some of the poetry that is appearing on a daily basis at Literotica, and keep an open mind. Some is obscure, some is plain, but the "new reviews" thread points out some pieces that most here find to be quite good, for various reasons. Try to figure out why.

-- sometimes extreme explicitness is quite effective, and sometimes hidden meanings are even more effective. It's the same effect, in a way, as appreciating the clothes on your lover, because they are an expression of the person, and because they beg to be touched and removed.

-- this one may not make sense to you. if it doesn't, fine. but if you want to write poetry, read about some of the things that enhance expression via the written word. It's just as much an art form as painting. I don't want to insult or seem arrogant, but things you could look up or review could include the following keywords (Google?): enjambment, meter, rhythm, rhyme, off-rhyme, cliche, poetic language, form, etc. Each exploration could take you further along the path toward the art of poetry, if that's something you want to pursue.

I liked what you wrote; I just have difficulty getting it into the "poetry" slot in my brain.

Cheers!

/foehn

 

[My Erotic Tale]

feedback~

well I think this say's it all ...
a clip from flores88's poem

Excuse me as I’m about to cross the line
So if you take offense I suggest you keep from reading the next line
Cause this isn’t some sappy and happy
I want to hold you through the night poem, although that’s cool too
This is more of a I want to pull your hair
And give you a dangerous stare kinda poem

obviously in the poem itself it implies its unique-ness
it's individual flare, I have read all kinds of poems and
mainstream poetry mat ba a norm but I find nothing
but individuals who all are different and varsitile. Some may find this poem inspiring, others will snub a nose or yet some may just read and go on with their lives un affected.

I find that when time is spent relaying thoughts about a poem rather than the content of the poem it's luster in the poetic world should be worthy as foen and my self find it so, for the time spent relishing in the poetic nature of a poem is sometimes more fullfilling than the poem.

which I found flores88's poem to be more of a passion burst, a flare and flicker from a flame. I omit passion in spree words often <grin>

an epilogue of insightfulness from this poem ~

Art~

 

[champagne1982]

As my mind was wandering into your bedroom
Where you laid sexy and smooth as that black g-string
That makes my G’s stutter
Trying to mutter under heavy breath
Ggod your fine<snip>

</snip>you found me there with my eyes closed and my jeans open
You approached me then, nice and slow
Knowing exactly what to do and where to go
And now I don’t have to wonder anymore…

This is erotic enough. These two strophes of your poem condense all of that fantasizing that comes between the snips and truly become something that rouses my interest. I love the bit about stuttering g's. What a great line!

Sex is fun to write about, isn't it?

 

[Angeline]

There's a lot of really good writing in your poem. Overall, it's sincere and searching and honest--and it's very hot. Well, it is. You have really communicated this intense desire for your girlfriend and it's not just sexual desire, but almost loving obsession. And it all comes across powerfully, vividly--that's a good thing, imo.

You have enough complete sentences and "regular language" to call it a prose poem, but I think it's overwritten--it would be a stronger piece of writing if you strained it down, got rid of a lot of the extraneous stuff. Poetry works mainly by suggestion, not stating stuff outright--that's the whole point of using images and metaphor. Then, when you do state things plainly here and there, they really stand out.

I personally feel lots of graphic language/description usually weakens a poem. Of course, plenty of people disagree with that, but if I think about poems I read here--or anywhere for that matter--there are a whole bunch of "this is how we'll fuck" poems that seem pretty much the same to me, whereas something offbeat and unique (that may or may not have some graphic description in it) is more memorable.

And having said all that, there's also the purpose of a poem--you and your girlfriend may be perfectly happy with the way you wrote this. I mean if you wrote it for her and she loves it, that's the main thing. On the other hand, if you want to reach a wider audience and write something more people remember or read over and over, you should probably consider editing this one down and using more imagery and metaphor to describe the loving longing that is at its heart.

 

[flores88]

Wow, thanks for the replies everyone, I was starting to lose hope that someone would have some insight or advice. I agree that it is a little drawn out, and could be shortened some. And foehn dont worry i dont offend very easily, so thanks again for the advice/info. I take all comments in stride, and use them to improve whether I agree with them or not. Hopefully my next posting will be a little better.

And yes champagne sex is fun to write about, especially when it gets u laid that night