New poem help (please)

doormouse

Seductively Sweet
Joined
Apr 11, 2004
Posts
4,407
Yesterday I ran,
Today I stumble.
Yesterday I sang,
Today I just sigh.
Yesterday I understood,
Today I'll never know.
Yesterday I was loved,
Today I sit alone.
Yesterday love's embers shone,

Today I died.



I'm trying to use a form of repetition and growing, but I'm not sure about the placing of the last line.

Should I line it up with the other secondary lines, or would it lose its impact?

Edit: Also changing this:

Yesterday I was loved,
Today I sit alone.


To:

Yesterday I loved,
Today I sit alone.

Ideas? please

Damn it, it's not showing the shape I pasted it as.

Do I need to paste it as a file? I want the 'Today...' lines indented *sigh*




__________________

Ignore post in 'keep the review thread clean'
 
Dearest Doormouse,

If you indent the 'Today' lines (which won't work for me either???), I think the last one needs to remain with the other secondary lines.

If you don't indent, I think having it seperate works well for the impact. Also, you could consider italics:

Yesterday I ran,
Today I stumble.
Yesterday I sang,
Today I just sigh.
Yesterday I understood,
Today I'll never know.
Yesterday I was loved,
Today I sit alone.
Yesterday love's embers shone,
Today I died.

Just a thought,

Miss O

:kiss:
 
Thanks hon.

I'll resubmit it as a file. It keeps the indented lines in file, so hopefully it'll work.

:rose:
 
I read this earlier and forgot to comment. I like what the mistress did with it. The italics are like whispers about yesterday.
 
WickedEve said:
I read this earlier and forgot to comment. I like what the mistress did with it. The italics are like whispers about yesterday.

Yep. Eve's cpmment sums it up nicely--the italics give the "yesterday" lines a whisper-like echo. Nice work doormouse and mistress.

I'm not wild about "love's embers shone." I picture embers more as sparking or fading than shining, but I realize you don't want faded or you lose the contrast with the following line. Also embers suggest a fire that may die soon to me. Maybe a metaphor about a spark that flames or coals that burn steady would contrast more.

Just my 2 cents. Use it if it works for you.

:heart:
 
Yesterday love's embers shone,

Today I died.


Yesterday love's fire burned,

Today I died?
 
doormouse said:
Yesterday I ran,
Today I stumble.
Yesterday I sang,
Today I just sigh.
Yesterday I understood,
Today I'll never know.
Yesterday I was loved,
Today I sit alone.
Yesterday love's embers shone,

Today I died.

I'm trying to use a form of repetition and growing, but I'm not sure about the placing of the last line.

Should I line it up with the other secondary lines, or would it lose its impact?


I think it should be together. I've always been of a mind that structured poems, like this, shouldn't break their structure. I'm wondering if there might not be a better way to phrase the penultimate line, though.

"Yesterday love's embers shone" is longer than all the other lines, and...perhaps it's just me...but ember and shone struck me as incongruous. Aren't embers those last little bits of a fire before it burns itself out? Glowing, I could see...but shining gives more of a brightness to me, like everything was just fine and dandy...until today.

Similarly, the Today lines...not just because the word today is shorter than yesterday...are much more...I dunno, deflated?, reflections of the lines before them...and "Today I'll never know" doesn't seem to give that same feeling, plus the verb is in a different tense compared to the other lines.

Maybe something more like...
"Yesterday I understood,
Today I don't get it."?
<shrug>
Just thinking outloud...nevermind me...<g>
 
doormouse said:
Yesterday love's embers shone,

Today I died.


Yesterday love's fire burned,

Today I died?

Yes I think the latter fits with the rest of the poem more neatly--both in meaning and--as Remec points out--structurally.
 
doormouse said:
Yesterday love's embers shone,

Today I died.


Yesterday love's fire burned,

Today I died?


Hmmm....

Perhaps, in keeping with the earlier structure...(ie Yesterday I <verb>, Today I <lesser form or reverse of verb>) something like,

Yesterday I burned,
Today I died.

Relying on the reader making the jump from loved and being alone on the line above to understand you burned with the passion that isn't there anymore.
 
Remec said:
Hmmm....

Perhaps, in keeping with the earlier structure...(ie Yesterday I <verb>, Today I <lesser form or reverse of verb>) something like,

Yesterday I burned,
Today I died.

Relying on the reader making the jump from loved and being alone on the line above to understand you burned with the passion that isn't there anymore.

Thanks hon,

I love that!!

And thanks everyone else. I don't know how to post italics, when I preview it, they're just in normal type.

Oh well. LOL

Thanks :rose:
 
the line
"Today I'll never know."

maybe feels better as
'Today I don't know".

And in the spirit of food for thought...
you could still have repetition
but just not as much with something like:

Yesterday
I ran and sang
understood and was loved,

Yesterday love's embers shone,

Today
I stumble and sigh.
Don't know and sit alone.

Today I died.
 
I changed the line Today I'll never know.

Yesterday I understood,
Today I just ask why.

I bought a book on how to write poetry, this style I really wanted to try. Repetition, and using growth and reflection.

I've submitted it now, so I'll leave it to the critics. Personally, I'm happy with it, but thank you for your suggestion.

I'm new and learning, so really appreciate the help and advice.

:rose:
 
I know it's too late to give my two cents and I'm no pro, but I love this poem. "Yesterday love's embers shone" is a hot line, but not here. It's like putting a Shakespearean line after "Roses are red".

I think subtracting the "Today I sit alone./Yesterday love's embers shone" would have worked to me. My train of thought is the opposites become more and more stark. Love and death--or love and fear--are the most extreme of opposites.

When I read italics, I read them as thoughts, but make the boat float!

So I see it good like this:

Yesterday I ran,
Today I stumble.
Yesterday I sang,
Today I just sigh.
Yesterday I understood,
Today I'll never know.
Yesterday I was loved,
Today I died.

I still love the profound simplicity!
 
Thanks hon.

It's still pending because I changed it, but here is what I have:

Yesterday I ran,
Today I stumble.
Yesterday I sang,
Today I just sigh.
Yesterday I understood,
Today I only ask why.
Yesterday I loved,
Today I sit and cry.
Yesterday I burned,
Today I died.

Edited: to add, it needs something. It's not tight enough in my eyes, that's why I asked you guys.
 
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doormouse said:
Thanks gorgeous, so when is Mutt's birthday? LOL

:p

;)

Geez...I meant to say 'I love it'. Hate typing too fast.

Mutt's birthday - September 11. Only gives me a few days to finish shopping.

:p
 
Miss Mouse,
I think its hot stuff. This really feels like something Johnny Cash would sing. But I think it would have more oomph like this:

Yesterday I ran,
Today I stumble.
Yesterday I sang,
Today I just sigh.
Yesterday I understood,
Today I only ask why.
Yesterday I loved,
Today I sit and cry.

Somehow, the cry seems more final than death to me.
In that Johnny Cash sort of way.
:rose:
 
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aww I might not be back in time for your birthday :(

If not, have a good one and I'll owe you a few b'day spankings :D

:rose:
 
doormouse said:
aww I might not be back in time for your birthday :(

If not, have a good one and I'll owe you a few b'day spankings :D

:rose:

Spank him good for me, Miss Mouse. I love watching Mutt get spanked, whether I do it or another worthy wench does it. :)
 
Miss Oatlash said:
Spank him good for me, Miss Mouse. I love watching Mutt get spanked, whether I do it or another worthy wench does it. :)

aww..i missed my chance!;)
 
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