New member, new posts

[Baladeer]

I'm new to Lit and have posted 3 poems, would love some feedback....

http://www.literotica.com/p/our-morning-2

http://www.literotica.com/p/god-of-gold

http://www.literotica.com/p/i-remember-you-3

 

[bronzeage]

I'll put you on tomorrows review list.

 

[champagne1982]

I'm new to Lit and have posted 3 poems, would love some feedback....

http://www.literotica.com/p/our-morning-2

http://www.literotica.com/p/god-of-gold

http://www.literotica.com/p/i-remember-you-3

Hi Baladeer. I chose to take a look at Our Morning likely because it's the first on your list. But anyway. I like a couple of the images you illustrate in your poem, but (darn the buts!) I was disappointed with your opening stanza.

You break dawn, softly; you have light vs. shadows creeping, which has only a slight redeeming quality about it removing the cliché from the idea, there are lots of descriptive words and phrases included. I would like to "see" more of what you're describing throughout the poem, you tend to tell rather than show. For instance, there are elegant legs; what makes them elegant?

I really love the last 2 lines in your second verse:
I wonder at the dreams you've had,
hearing my heart beat all night.
This sentence puts my head and ear Right There.

The rest of the poetry is full of lovely sentiment, beware the trite ideas you have in your lines though. Avoid all those "-ly" adjectives in your writing. Instead, look for a noun that really works in conveying your thoughts rather than falling back on using modifiers... there are a lot of ways to play with someone's hair rather than gently stroking it. Maybe you can find a unique example to use ...

Poetry is about word play and experimentation, at least that's my opinion. It's tough and most of the time, I fail at being successful in using words in fresh ways, it's incredibly rewarding when it works though. That's what keeps me writing.

Thank you for letting me comment on your work. You have such good ideas, now all you need is practice and to read, Read and do more READING. I really hope my thoughts are what you were hoping for in the way of review and critique. Remember that you have the final say in all you write and mine is just one opinion. Please use what you like and discard what you do not, this is just one person's opinion.

Take Care.

 

[twelveoone]

I'm new to Lit and have posted 3 poems, would love some feedback....

http://www.literotica.com/p/our-morning-2

http://www.literotica.com/p/god-of-gold

http://www.literotica.com/p/i-remember-you-3

all posted 7/30/12
looks like trolio hit you before any commenters

tell you what i'll do...
since everyone there is starving for comments, leave some. But first pay careful attention to what champ said, especially the last paragraph.

and even though this is heresy on this side, go look at the comments and then the poems, three to look for Demure101, greenmountaineer, and Desejo. Keep in mind there is no right or wrong, any comments seen will be a difference in perspective. You do learn more from seeing what other people are doing.

lastly try to submit no more than one day, even better one a week

 

[twelveoone]

quick weed

Tall, 6 foot one, easily
golden hair, cropped short
draping over well rounded head,
not like other heads, knobby or pointy
1,2,3,4 looks like you need the next line
but smoothly curved

kill this
and just the right angles.


Your back, equal to your front,
hard muscle, supple in movement,
narrowing at waist moved to here flowing to sloping ass,
tight, hard, smooth, delicious ass. < cut, your job is to make beautiful, not say it
Thighs and calves, and beautiful feet.
who would have thought feet beautiful?
Never I, until seeing yours. < cut, here you just implied it in the line above


etc., etc., i think i just cut 3 lines out of 13.
your best bet to start is cut out all the weakest parts

and because you already started it, suppose you arrange the rest, something
like

dadadada
dadadada
dadadada
not like.....
but this.....

dadadada
dadadada
who would have thought....

dadadada
dadadada
dadadada
not like....
but this.....

dadadada
dadadada
who would have thought.....

that will at least break up the monotony, and begin a structure of sorts.
and if you are going too err, err by saying too little, never err by saying too much.

ok now 3 comments easy go find what you like, say that leave a score 5.
after that make a point of figuring out why you like it, merely subject matter is ok for awhile. after that begin to figure out what the poem is doing

 

[twelveoone]

and i just wasted all that time

 

[HarryHill]

and i just wasted all that time

..
Did you?