New Member, First Story post

Grimfalcon

Really Experienced
Joined
Mar 22, 2011
Posts
165
Hi everyone,

I’ve been lurking around the forum for some time, just checking things out, and it seems time to introduce myself and start posting a few of the short stories I’ve written recently. A lot of interesting people on here, from my perspective.

I wont say that I’m a new writer, but I am self-taught, and still trying to work out the bugs. My biggest faults are spelling, misused words and some of the mechanics of grammar themselves. On the other hand, plot development, story line, and character creation come pretty naturally to me.

This story is a quickie, and was written for a specific person, hence the use of both first and second person, and yes, I’m sure I’m going to grammar hell for it. I guess you can be the judge of whether I pulled it off or not.
I should have a slightly larger one approved in the next day or so, and comments and critiques are welcome on both. I’m here to refine my skills, while sharing my writing with the world, and meet some interesting people in the process, just like everyone else.

Thanks. :)


http://www.literotica.com/s/welcome-home-105
 
I just looked this over, and honestly, the grammar, etc., weren't too bad. There were things like "peddle-like" lips, for which you meant "petal," but those are tough and since peddle was spelled properly I can see how a spell check missed it.

And phrases like "...covering the head in a liberal sheen of zealous femininity" are pretty over-the-top to me, but others will like it.

I get pretty much nothing out of D/s stories like this, and the fetish thing just makes me roll my eyes, but I hope your friend enjoyed it. Any lack of excitement on my part wasn't your fault.
 
Thanks for taking the time to read and post, PennLady. Appreciate it, especially since this kind of story isn’t your thing.

As for word misuse like 'peddle' and 'petal,' that's the kind of stuff I tend to read right over without a second glance. I proofread my work way too fast in general. As for flowery speech, I try to keep it down to a minimum, but sometimes I slip and write stuff like that; it is pretty cheesy. To tell you the truth, this story as a whole isn’t my normal theme or style.

Yes, she liked it, and thanks for asking. The whole cow, milking, breeding thing has always been one of her biggest turn-ons.

Thanks again.
 
You're welcome.

Well, one thing I could suggest is re-reading more slowly. :) It's not easy reviewing your own work, so the next tip is to get an editor, but that's much easier said than done. Other suggestions include reading it out loud, and I've seen suggestions of changing your font size or something similar just so that your eyes aren't seeing the same thing all the time.

I think a good guide, too is - if you want someone to take the trouble to read what you've written, you could take the time to make it readable and correct.
 
Grimfalcon, welcome to Lit. I broadly agree with what's been said. Readers will get irritated if there are loads of problems with the text. Proofing/copyediting is mind-numbingly slow and boring but the price that has to be paid for polishing your rough diamond.

I know someone who puts her story in 18 font and double spacing before slowly going through the text. For me, I start with Word spell- and grammar-check on. They are far from perfect but do give a quick first pass at typos, apostrophes and suchlike. After being a literary genius in writing, you have to get down and dirty in the boiler room before the launch.

In addition to 'peddle-like', can I add, 'My strong hands message you lust-soaked back , and 'submissively bearing' (I think you mean 'baring'). These mistakes destroy the tension and sensuality you are trying to create.

You have a habit of confusing possessive pronouns with personal pronouns, often using 'you' when you mean 'your'.

Dialogue tags are a nuisance that a writer tries to avoid as much as possible unless they are vital for showing who is talking. I've read many comments here advising writers to simplify tags and avoid adverbs but you go the whole nine yards with metaphor.

Put simply, tags like, 'I breathe like a husky wind' and 'you whisper like the desperate cry of a songbird' are both hyperbole and ridiculous. Put the emotion in the dialogue or the reaction.

You have a tendency to get flowery with, 'unmasking the grandeur of your pussy'.

A couple of continuity issues; do you know how big a cowbell is? It would just hang heavily round the poor girl's neck and never ring. It works on a cow cos they are four-legged. Also, I got confused with timing. You start by saying, 'as with every night, you hurry to greet me' then soon after say, 'it's been nearly a week', have I missed something?

I think it is very hard for a guy to write a D/s story erotic for female readers because it is so hard for him to understand the dynamic of female submission. If you pleased your friend you must be a cut above many others here.
 
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Thanks for the feedback, both of you. Some of it are things I’m aware of, and working to correct with more practice, others I hadn’t really considered until now. I like the idea of increasing font size and reading out loud; I might have to try that. I need to do something to make myself slow down and proofread more carefully. I’m a speed-reader in general, I always have been, causing me to overlook simple things like ‘you’ and ‘your’ or word misuse during my editing. I’m reading it in my mind correctly, but not really ‘reading’ it if that makes sense.

I think a good guide, too is - if you want someone to take the trouble to read what you've written, you could take the time to make it readable and correct.

I agree 100% PennLady :eek: It's a fault I'm working to improve on, and would dispense with many of the errors pointed out thus far.

I have a friend that does some proofreading for me when she has the time, and it helps catch a lot of these kinds of issues. She didn’t do it for this one, obviously. I agree, finding numerous mistakes in writing style can really throw the mood off.

Dialogue tags are a nuisance that a writer tries to avoid as much as possible unless they are vital for showing who is talking. I've read many comments here advising writers to simplify tags and avoid adverbs but you go the whole nine yards with metaphor.

I did overuse tags and flowery speech in this instance and it makes me cringe, no different then you, after reading through it a few days later. Maybe this was a bad choice of stories to post since it was a quick, targeted blurb for an individual that likes that sort of thing, and not a general audience. It’s like telling an inside joke to a room full of strangers that aren’t going to get the punch line, without further explanation. I'm seeing that this story was way too short and not properly presented, for open posting.

As for how big an actual cowbell is, yes, I know. ;) Once again, bad choice of wording on my part, since she knew what I was referring to. Hers was a miniature one about the size of a plum. Same with the greeting me at the door reference, poor wording.


I think it is very hard for a guy to write a D/s story erotic for female readers because it is so hard for him to understand the dynamic of female submission. If you pleased your friend you must be a cut above many others here.

It’s a challenge, but fun, writing from a different POV, i.e D/s or M/F. I’m trying to expand my skills and not get stuck in a rut of doing the same old thing all the time. I switch between first and third person, M/F main characters a lot during my writting. I never use second, except in cases like this one.
Can’t get any better unless we push ourselves outside of the comfort zone, then work at making it all come together in a good story format. That's the way I see it at least.

Thanks again for the comments and advice. Appreciate it.
 
I'm jumping in - roughly two months late, but hey it's better to be late than to never say anything about it right?

Master wrote this story for me. It was written mainly to make me squirm and to make me think of him since we are in an LDR. I also typically try to edit most of his stories but this one never made it to the chopping block since I work two jobs and have a jewelry business on the side. Yeah some people do wonder when I have the time to sleep let alone breathe. If I remember right he sent me a copy and a day later said, "I posted this on LE!" oohhkay...:D

As for how big an actual cowbell is, yes, I know. Once again, bad choice of wording on my part, since she knew what I was referring to. Hers was a miniature one about the size of a plum. Same with the greeting me at the door reference, poor wording.

Well in your defense the bell on the collar you had me make for this kind of RP is actually a small regular shaped brass bell about an inch and a half in diameter. Where I work full time we sell a lot of farm equipment and supplies and we stock actual cowbells in a wide range of sizes - some small enough to put on a dog collar! I think the smallest one is around 1.5 inches in size at the flare. People use that size for their smaller livestock such as goats and sheep. So with this erotica story, yes you could have actually really used a real cowbell, just a smaller version of it. :D

As for the spelling and other grammatical errors, I do agree with the others who have posted here regarding that. However you have improved greatly in the past few years over what you started out at. I can always tell when you are typing/writing when you are tired from a 12 hour shift at work as the misspellings and grammatical errors seem to multiply like rabbits! :D It's a good thing I studied and became fluent in Typonese many years ago. :devil::D

I'll make some suggestions to help, and some of these I think have already been mentioned.
1) Enlarge your font and re-read it while editing/proofreading.
2) Try not to hurry (Yeah I know easier said than done in your situation and in your environment.)
3) Try to give me some time to help you edit. I'll make time if I have to and you know I will.
4) Slow down when you read/proofread it. If you have to put the story aside a few days and then come back to it. It's amazing what you can catch when you do this. I've done this a few times with stories I worked on and it was an eye-opener when I came back to it and re-read parts of it.
5) I believe MSWord has a Grammar check feature. I use Open Office, so I can't remember if Word has a feature like that or not. If it does, turn it on. The same with the spell check. As you type both will underline words or groups of words that are misspelled or grammatically incorrect. This way you can semi-edit as you write.

Hope that helps, and of course, as always don't be afraid to send me a message asking for help on a story or to take me over your knee if you don't agree with what I've said...:devil::D
 
I am not going to restate the comments already made because I agree with them and I will share my own thoughts. Personally when I read a story that switches between first and second, I always score it a 1 or 2. Why, do I score it that way? While I accept you wrote this for someone special and the switching between perspective may have worked when the other person read it, the reality is your audience is much larger than one person. Since your audience includes more people than that special someone, it means the story needs to be written for your audience. This means you need to rewrite the story whereby you take out the changes in perspective and take on board the other comments made. From my perspective as a reader, I find the switching between first person and second person such a major distraction, I usually do not finish reading the story and regarding this story, I could not get beyond the first four paragraphs.
 
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I'm going along with room41more(sp) and others about the problems of point of view.

Except I'm going further to say please please avoid second person present. Think about it. The best stories are either third person past or first person past.

Stories take place in the past. We experience them in the present, but the past tense assures us that the story has some shape. The present tense is an attempt to simulate the experience of cinema, but the best cinema is about something that's already happened.

The second person is problematic because as a reader I don't know who I am unless the story is a personal poem to me. On a birthday card, say.
 
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