New Kid on the Block

[Karl_Felix]

Well, new anyway, but it's the title of the work that I've uploaded. So far it appears to have gone down very well and I'm really greatful to those who have left feedback so far, but I'm greedy and looking for a wider audience to feed back. So, with that in mind, take a look at http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=99473 and let me know what you think, what could do with improving, what worked well.

Many thanks in advance,

Karl F

 

[Vincent E]

The plots in bondage stories always revolve around one very sticky point: how does the protagonist get himself into a bondage situation when he is first being introduced to the lifestyle. In your story, Karl willingly climbs up onto the massage table in the anticipation of getting laid. It is a simple device, but it is believeable. He is thinking with his dick; every man can relate to this.

Yo dabbled with the videotape as blackmail angle, but fortunately you didn't go too far with it. I always felt that blackmail was the least believable motivation for submission.

Your story plays to the "man victimized by woman, and there is nothing he can do about it" audience. There will be lots of positive votes and feedback since you cut to the chase quickly. That seems to be what the bulk of readers are looking for. For my part I enjoyed the story, but there are a coupled of areas you need to be more careful with next time.

First, you need to proofread a bit more. Just running the spell check isn't enough when words like "he" and "her" are being checked for accuracy. there are a few spots in the story where correctly spelled words that are typos pop up.

Second, I recommend spreading out the dialogue paragraphs a bit. Very often you start a sentence with a charater's quote and then continue with a description of the action in the same paragraph. Keep the speech to one paragraph and the action to a seperate one. It will lengthen the amount of space used, but space is free.

I got around your British vernacular (loo is a bathroom) alright. I just had to realize that you're British. That should never be a problem for the writer. I think that we just need to remember that there are international contributors when we read. Of course imagining John Inman in Karl's situation made it more amusing.

I hope this has helped.

 

[Karl_Felix]

Vincent, many thanks for that and I'm glad that you enjoyed the story. I'm working on a couple of things at the moment and will take what you've said into account.

Thank you for your feedback,

Karl F

 

[Omni]

This is one of the better written stories I have seen on Literotica in a while as far as form, structure, flow, and readability. I hesitate to find anything to pick on at all. But, we do this to toss ideas around and perhaps improve.
None of these are on a need to change basis, they were just a few places that I recall as a reader thinking, hmmm.
When he was being strapped to the table, I wondered that he did not say more. But, I also accepted that he was male, aroused, and he would not react like I (a female) would in those circumstances.
I pretty much got the whole table contraption, however, when she turned, moved, and/or flipped him, I did get lost as to how he was positioned to give her oral at the same time. I think he must have been upside down with his feet in the air? Perhaps, saying that simply in there would help. Although, as a reader I trusted you and went with it.
I understood the anal plug in the beginning, however, I did not understand the significance of continually inflating it. Did this arouse him or her, I wondered? He was blindfolded so we were left with only his reaction as we could not see her reactions.
And, perhaps as a reader I did not pay enough attention, but the ending hook, where there was one thing left to do that had not been done. I missed what that was altogether, therefore the tease of Mel was unfortunately lost on me.
As a writer myself, I like to remember the senses, taste, smell, color, texture, feeling and sight. This is not the type of story I would normally read so the fact that your writing kept me reading it, I think says it all.

Omni

 

[Karl_Felix]

Hi Omni,

Many thanks for the feedback and I'm glad that I managed to keep your interest through the story.

The table contraption thing was a little difficult for me. When I originally started the story I realised that I was concentrating too much on the engineering of the table rather than the actions taking place on it. Guess I went a little too far the other way there, never mind.

The idea of the inflation of the anal plug is also an artefact of my editing I'm afraid. Again, the original version had other parts to it which explained the plug, however when I realised how long the story was getting I thought I was going to start losing readers, so I edited the story to shorten it. On the other hand I did want to leave the story open for a part 2 if there was sufficient interest and that plug with kind of be explained in part 2 when I write it.

The final thing that she had not done to him was in the second to last line ("Remember, a little bi bother you?" she asked as she closed the door.) Again, it's partly where I trimmed the original story idea and left it open for part 2.

Hmm, guess that means I really have to do part 2 now, I hope it lives up to the expectations and enjoyment that everyone has got out of part 1. I must say that I am both impressed and touched by the feedback that I have receievd and I really do appreciate the time that several people have taken to point out where I could improve my style / skills and where they think I have done well. Everyone here so far has been really supportive which makes this place great, this is how the net should be in my opinion.

Many thanks,

Karl F