New(ish) author

[RaLaWrites]

Here it is! I wanted to seperate it from the previous thread, because that would have made it extremely long.

The sudden jolt of Kyle’s motorcycle startled Gabrielle, who was slumped forward in front of him. Her body was awkwardly positioned on the bike as she opened her eyes, struggling to recognize her surroundings.

“What… are we doing? Where are we at?”

Kyle cocked one of his eyebrows and chuckled. “Are you that out of it? Look.”

He pointed to the house they stopped in front of. It was a one story home, a cozy brick ranch with potted flowers perfectly lined up around the wide porch. One of them held the prettiest batch of petunias Elle had ever seen. Almost like the ones her mom had sent her some months earlier as a housewarming gift.

She breathed a sigh of relief as her eyes began to focus, her vision going from blurry to clear. It was her house.

She stood up and walked towards the house but Kyle’s vice like grip on her wrist stopped her in her tracks.

“And where the hell are you going?”

Elle turned around and gave him the angriest of glares. “I’m going home. I know you’ve got some screws loose but even you could figure that out. Why else would you bring me here?”

Kyle let go of her arm. Digging in his jeans pocket, he rummaged around for a loose cigarette.

“Shit! Where did I put that lighter?”

She scoffed and walked up the cemented pathway to her house. She zipped open her purse to grab her keys, looking at Kyle from the corner of her eye. He might have been gorgeous and one hell of a good fuck but the man obviously wasn’t all there.

Kyle stood up and shook his blue jean jacket. The neon green lighter fell out and clattered against the pavement. Coolly, he picked it up and quickly put a flame to the unlit cigarette. He walked with confidence, strolled up the porch steps and blocked the front door.

“Now, where were we?” He blew the bitter smoke into Elle’s eyes as he grinned. “Oh yeah. Well, I didn’t bring you here to drop you off.”

“This is ridiculous. Good Night.” Elle gave her best attempt to push past him but his strong, muscular frame made it almost impossible. He laughed as she growled in irritation.

“Ever the feisty one, aren’t you? I brought you back so you could get your shit. You’re coming with me.”

Elle was tired and couldn’t deal with Kyle anymore. Hot, passionate sex was great but not at this expense. Looking at him through squinted eyes, she decided to play his game.

“Alright, Kyle. I’m coming with you. I’ll go in, get my things, come back out and we’ll go. Alright?”

He frowned disapprovingly, shaking his head.

“What kind of a dumb-ass do you think I am? You’ll go in there, lock the door and I’ll have to break in and smash one of your cute little windows. We could just avoid all that, if you let me in.”

Elle groaned and shrugged her shoulders, defeated. “Fine. You are some kind of fucked up, do you know that?”

Kyle grabbed her face. He looked into Elle’s beautiful brown eyes and whispered in her ear.

“It‘s all for you, Slut. All for you. Now, open the door - it’s starting to get cold.”

 

[starscape]

I took a look at both of your stories and really enjoyed them. As others have noted, you have an excellent ear for dialog; the character's voices came through loud and clear for me.

I personally liked the descriptiveness of your writing, but then I have the tendency to be rather (overly?) descriptive myself, so I may not exactly be the most objective judge of that.

Kyle's persona in particular came across very clearly. The way he dominated every scene he was in seemed quite reflective of how I'd imagine he'd be if he were a real person; nice touch.

Couple things I noticed:

(1) I think someone might have mentioned this already, but in the first chapter, the impression I get from Elle is that she thinks Kyle's a scumbag. Then, when she breaks her heel and encounters him outside the bar, it seems like all of a sudden she finds him highly fuckable.

I think it would have been helpful to throw in just a line or two explaining Elle's thoughts when she first interacts with this guy. I'm not even going to attempt to write it as I've only just started writing myself and am far from an expert... But something along the lines of suggesting Elle's ambivalence toward Kyle. She's annoyed by his arrogance, which is why she blows him off in no uncertain terms, but much to her chagrin she also finds her body tingling in response to this asshole. Does that make sense?

(2) When Kyle pushes Elle up against the wall (also in chapter one) and reaches between her legs, all of a sudden she has no pants/skirt/underwear on. What happened to them? I was taken a little aback because I couldn't remember reading anything about what she had been wearing; I figured she must have been wearing a skirt and no underwear or something. But when I went back and scanned earlier in the story, nope, no indication what she was wearing on the bottom half of her body. You do mention her blouse/bra though. I would imagine that if she had been walking around the bar with only heels and a blouse, Elle would've been getting plenty of attention well before Kyle ever walked in the door. Just adding a little detail--like you do in chapter two--by mentioning him sliding her skirt up above her hips and yanking her underwear to the side (for example) would eliminate that sort of confusion.

Overall, really nice job. Can't wait to find out what happens next. Is the excerpt you most recently posted part of chapter 3?

 

[RaLaWrites]

^ It is, yes.

I'm thinking about re-writing Chapters one and two. I've been learning so much as I go along, which is why I think Chapter three is much better than the previous two.

I'm always so flattered when people tell me I'm rather good at dialogue. I always thought it was so-so, at best.

I had continuity issues with the first couple of stories (like with Elle's clothes) but I'm extremely careful this time around. I know some authors like to be very detailed with things like that.

Jill was wearing a maroon colored turtleneck, black slacks and navy blue flats.

It's just easier for me to say that she was wearing a turtleneck, slacks and flats. If I use color, it might magically turn from maroon to green or something. Yet another thing I have to work on.

Thanks a lot for the feedback; I appreciate it!

 

[slowandeasy]

from cross the pond

You can probqbly hear me pounding mails which makes me ponder about the craft of carpentry compared to writing.

havent' said much lately in terms of advice because so many others have given you such wonderful rsponses and I feel somewhat intimidated.

but its time to put the apron on (Carpenters ) and pound some more nails.
Writing should start out like that just pounding away until your fingers and wrists get sore once in a while you'll hit your thumb or bend a nail or even ding up a good piece of expesive lumber but you're trying and your practicing that's what its all about you have a talent but it must be honed and honed and honed . Asking for advice is good and reading what other writers write is great also but its all about hitting the nail on the head. learn roorm your mistakes and whail away but dont rebuild the same birdhouse again and again, once you have the basic idea try soemthing new, a dog house, a tool shed an poem an essay a novel? yikes! whatever ,expand your horizons and even go beyond try something you'd think might be intimidating and then move on if the muses doesnt find you.


I'm rambling arn't I ...youre doing ok. keep up the good work

 

[RaLaWrites]

I ramble too. It's okay.

I appreciate the feedback. It doesn't matter if someone has posted a sentiment that you had been thinking and wanted to post; go ahead and do it, by all means!

 

[RaLaWrites]

Here's an update if anyone's interested.

I really appreciate all of the feedback/comments and tips I've been getting from everyone. The third installment of my series should be posted soon and lucky me, I've found a wonderful editor who has been a great help to me.

But I have a question about another story I've been thinking about posting.

I'm not sure what category I'd put this in. I'd call it romance (eventually) but this is a potential series that revolves around the main character's relationship with each other and how it's been affected. The characters are of two different races but I really don't want my story focus primarily on that. Novel/Novella is intimidating to me but then again, this is a pretty long intro chapter/prologue (1, 910 words.) Which one would fit best of the above or would another category be better suited?

Here's the story.

Mina Darby was a shy girl. She kept to herself most of her life and only talked to those who talked to her. Throughout elementary, middle and high school Mina made a handful of close friends that she kept by her side. None of them were close to her like Ken was.

Kenneth Wheaten grew up next door to Mina. They developed and maintained the best of friendships, confiding in each other about things they were too embarrassed or afraid to share with anyone else. Almost anything.

There were some things Mina couldn't to admit to Ken. As children they would share stories of their hopes and goals for the future. Ken wanted to be an astronaut; Mina, a professional worm wrangler. Ken wanted to own a mansion; Mina wanted a two bedroom house for herself and her stuffed animals.

Ken wanted a 'purty' girl to marry and settle down with and Mina wanted "her prince." She would never explain but only smiled and blushed until her chubby cheeks were rosy red. Ken teased her about it for years until they parted and asked her why she never described what her definition of a prince entailed. Mina couldn't bring herself to tell him because it was a close-guarded secret. An embarrassing one, too.

Mina was six when Ken and his family moved into the vacant house next to her family. She would have never known were it not for the loud beeps and honks of the moving trucks backing into the driveway. She was curled up on her bedroom floor, watching her favorite movie. It was your standard fairy-tale of the Princess in need of rescuing and the Prince who comes with not a second to spare, but she loved it. Her time was usually spent climbing the big oak tree in her backyard and subsequently tending to scraped knees and cuts but it was pouring down outside. Raindrops that thumped against her window seemed to draw her towards it.

She ignored it and the world as she watched her movie in a trance-like state. She knew every line and every scene like the back of her hand. The movie was nearing the end, which meant Mina was parked in front of the television with her eyes glued to the screen. She was enamored with the Prince and his need to protect the Princess at all costs. He'd do anything to win her love time and again, only to whisk her away to live happily ever after. His eyes were sparkling blue; his hair was the color of sand and exceptionally long. Her mother stressed boys weren't supposed to have long hair but it mattered none to young Mina. She liked him just the same and each time she saw the ending, she wished more than the next that she was the beauty.

The next day, the weather was perfect for tree climbing and any other tomfoolery Mina had up her sleeve. As she walked towards the door her mother informed her of their new next door neighbors, whom she wanted Mina to meet. They walked outside to cut across their lawn and Mina's mother shook hands with their new neighbors. As always Mina nodded politely and whispered a bashful "Hello," but otherwise kept quiet.

The squeak of the neighbor's screen door startled Mina and also caught her attention. So did the boy who came out of it. Sandy blonde locks framed his face in long, wavy curls and two curious blue eyes peered at Mina's mother and then herself.

Mina turned away to the backyard and noted that her mother temporarily thwarted her plan to climb the tree. In her haste to get there she tripped over her sundress and fell face first into the grass. Seldom did Mina cry and this time proved to be no different, but she felt every bit of pain that came with the fall.

A hand equally small as Mina's clasped her palm and helped her to her feet. She looked up and his soft blue eyes stared back at her. His smile was a happy one as he asked:

"Hi! What's your name?"

Mina blushed and looked down at her hands.

"M...Mina." She sighed and asked, "What's yours?"

"Mine's Kenneth. You can call me Ken, if you want. Do you want to play?"

Mina pondered his offer. "Hmm. Okay," she said with a nod.

"Cool! Let's go in my backyard, I just got a water slide today."

Mina watched the boy as he ran off, his beautiful long tresses flowing behind him. His resemblance to the prince was more than a little uncanny. Was he the prince's brother, or a long-lost relative? She stood frozen and wondered what it meant.

"Mina! Are you coming?"

"Hmm?"

"Mina? Mina!" Ken nudged her shoulder slightly, one hand on the wheel as he glanced at her from the corner of his eye.

"What's the matter, Min?"

Mina groaned and looked towards the window.

Her tendency to daydream often deterred her from focusing on something important. In this case, it was trying not to embarrass herself in front of Ken. Her reverie came to a screeching halt when she reminded herself of where and who she was now.

Twenty-two year old Mina sat on the passenger's side of Ken's car in silence. High school had given both she and Ken the opportunity to take different paths and they graciously accepted them. Mina studied anthropology and was successful in obtaining her bachelor's degree; Ken took up psychology and did the same, though both of them had yet to put their degrees to good use.

As expected, the time apart from each other put a hold on their near life-long friendship. The way their relationship suffered over the span of four years was drastic.

Seeing someone every day for twelve years and then not at all would have that affect.

They kept in touch with each other in the beginning through letters, instant messengers, e-mail and talking on their cell phones from time to time. Within the first year they stopped calling each other and generally spoke via online chatting. The next year they sent the occasional e-mail to each other. The following year they wrote a letter to each other. Mina sent hers first and it took Ken six months to reply.

Initially, Mina worried herself sick. Ken was her right-hand man for years and was at her side at a moment's notice, even as they grew older and had their own social lives. She felt the lack of communication was Ken's fault yet Mina didn't pick up the phone or go online as often as she should have either. Who was to blame could be disputed but the awful silence that hung in the air between them couldn't.

"Um, I'm fine." Mina's slanted brown eyes stared at the gray interior of Ken's compact car. She hadn't looked him in the eyes since he picked her up from the bus stop though she wished she had. They were impossible to ignore but she was doing a decent job.

"You sure?" Ken asked. "You're looking a little peaked."

"I just got off a bus I'd been sitting on for ten hours. You'd be peaked, too."

Ken cracked a smile and out popped his incredible dimples. The deep ridges made him that much more attractive.

"Mina, what are you talking about -- You're a trooper when it comes to road trips! Remember that time we drove up to Canada and back, didn't sleep for two days?"

Mina grimaced. Now he was mixing her up with other people. In her eyes that meant their 'best friends' label had been torn to shreds, meaningless now.

"Ken, we've never been on a road trip together," she said through grit teeth. "The only time we came close was when we thought about running away to Florida."

"Mina, we were ten."

"I know, but we were serious about it. Packed our clothes and toys. Even took the lunchables that were supposed to be for school the next day."

Ken's blonde locks covered his face as he lowered his head. Was that a giggle Mina just heard? That would have been wishful thinking.

He lifted his head up and sure enough, his broad smile shined bright as always. His shoulders rose and fell at a rapid pace as he began to laugh.

Mina's shoulder-length black hair was neatly tucked behind her ears and she peered over at him. Even as children, if one laughed the other followed suit.

"Ken," Mina said with a snort, "What's so funny?"

"Actually, our plan to run away was your idea."

Mina cracked a smile. He was right. The sound of soft chuckles replaced the dead air and Mina turned around to face Ken for the first time.

"Maybe so, but you went along with it," she pointed out. "You went along with any stupid plan I conjured up."

"That's because you were fun. No other kid on our street had the guts to plan something like that. What was it again?"

"Ken," she sighed, "Don't. It's embarrassing."

"Come on, don't be modest," he said as he looked at her. "Oh, now I remember! We'd walk halfway there in one day -- even though Florida is on the other side of the country -- and sleep under some trees at night. By sunrise the next day, we'd already be there!" He guffawed so much that he almost missed the green light.

"Yuk it up. I know I was a weird kid."

Ken shook his head. "You weren't weird. You've always been adventurous, precocious Mina." He reached over to pinch her cheeks then gasped dramatically.

"What," Mina asked, "Why the gasp?"

"What happened to your cheeks that I loved to pinch? They're gone."

They have been for years, Mina thought to herself.

"Well, college life. Stressing over grades and eating noodles for dinner every day for a year and nothing else will do that to you."

"Guess I can't argue with that," said Ken.

Ken's cell-phone rang and he paused to answer it. Mina took the opportunity to return to her previous position, facing the window as she watched the scrolling scenery. She was happy to be with her best friend but up until now he felt like a complete stranger to her.

"Sorry," he said, "but that was a friend of mine asking about plans we had. I cancelled since you're here, though."

"You didn't have to do that, you know." Being a burden was the last thing Mina wanted to feel like. "You can still go out with your friends, too. In fact, I could just stay at a hotel if --"

"Mina." Ken's voice was stern, the tone of voice a parent would use to scold their child. "We haven't seen each other in four years. I think that's more important than anything else right now. Besides, you'll like my house."

Perfect timing. Ken drove down a wide residential street and parked in front of a two-family flat. The neighborhood was quiet and suburban, similar to where they both grew up. Ken got out of the car and like the gentleman that he was, he opened the door for Mina.

"Thanks," she said in a quiet voice. "You didn't tell me you had a room-mate of sorts. Who lives on the other side?"

"Well, I didn't have a room-mate but I do now. That's where you're going to stay."