New(ish) author

[RaLaWrites]

I joined the site last month but I'm no stranger to writing. I'm just a stranger to writing better than average stories and erotic stories as well.

The link to both of my stories is below. I'd adore constructive critism/feedback of any kind.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=994400&page=submissions

Thanks!

 

[caprine]

Hello...

and welcome to Literotica. I read and enjoyed your two stories. I've a couple of comments said to me when I was a newbie here. 1) don't let paragraphs get very long. Reading long paras on a monitor is difficult and tiresome. 2) keep the action active. Don't use the passive--he started to stroke or she began to be aroused, etc.

Instead: He slowly stroked himself or her arousal was immediate, etc. Do keep writing.

...I feel more alive when I’m writing than I do at any other time—except when I’m making love. Two things when you forget time, when nothing exists except the moment—the moment of writing, the moment of love. That perfect concentration is bliss.”
- May Sarton

 

[RaLaWrites]

Thank you. I do appreciate the feedback and I'm glad you enjoyed both of them. I worked very hard on them.

That's also been nagging me - the length of the paragraphs. I tend to bunch all of... well... everything together.

Again, thanks!

 

[CWatson]

You have an unusual, very dense style of prose. It reminds me of when I try to summarize things on Wikipedia: brief and direct, without garnish because there simply isn't room. Is this deliberate? =)

 

[RaLaWrites]

I'd have to say yes.

I know my writing skills aren't the best and I definitely don't want to come off like they are. I have a very long way to go.

I'm the type of person who freaks out when there's a blank sheet (or window) open in front of me and a big thesaurus on my desk (or my screen). I tend to make things very basic and straight to the point because I don't quite have the flair of painting this vivid portrait of what's going on in my story. I'd like to build up my vocabulary a little bit before I get to that point, personally. I've been reading books that are solely for that purpose, too.

That's not the first time my writing style has been called "unusual". I just picked up little tips from friends, teachers, and family members here or there and all of those things collectively make for a very.. odd? unique? way of writing.

I just perused your submissions and they're lovely from what I've read so far.

 

[AsylumSeeker]

I joined the site last month but I'm no stranger to writing. I'm just a stranger to writing better than average stories and erotic stories as well.

The link to both of my stories is below. I'd adore constructive critism/feedback of any kind.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=994400&page=submissions

Thanks!

To be honest I've been off work today resting a strained back and have spent most of it editing, so I didn't read every word of the first story but skimmed over it.

My impression is that it is well-written for the most part, but if I was editing this there would be many more paragraph breaks. And ellipses consist of three "dots", no more, no less.

Didn't see any glaring errors, but again I just skimmed over the words, after having edited 15k words my brain has about had it. Just commenting since you asked. Hope it's helpful even if only remotely.

 

[RaLaWrites]

Oh, gosh. I hope I didn't have more than three dots. I read the "Literotica's Guide for Amateur Writers" and took notice of that right away. Any and every comment I get is helpful in its own way.

Thanks for taking the time out of your day to look at it, I appreciate it. I also hope you feel better.

 

[RaLaWrites]

I've just started with Part 3 and I've changed quite a bit. There are really no particularly lengthy paragraphs and it's actually easier for me to write this way. I can get my point across without confusing the reader.

I wanted to post a little bit of the first part(s) of the story. I really do appreciate all of you who have left posts or PM's commenting or giving me tips. I'm making mental notes of them!

So, here it is.

The sudden jolt of Kyle’s motorcycle startled Gabrielle, who was still lazily slumped forward in front of him. Her body was awkwardly positioned on the monstrous bike as she opened her eyes wide, struggling to recognize her surroundings.

“What… are we doing? Where are we at?”

Kyle cocked one of his eyebrows and chuckled. He had never seen a girl so discombobulated.

“Are you that out of it? Look.”

His stubby fingers pointed to the house they had stopped in front of. It was a one story home, a cozy little brick ranch. Potted flowers were perfectly, almost strategically lined up around the wide porch. One of them held the prettiest batch of petunias Elle had ever seen, similar to the ones her mom had sent her a few months ago.

Elle’s worried look faded away. It was her house.

She stood up and began to walk towards her home but Kyle’s vice like grip on her dainty wrist stopped her from doing so.

“And where the hell are you going?”

Elle turned around and gave him the angriest of glares. “I’m going home. I know you’ve got some screws loose but even you could figure that out. Why else would you bring me here?”

Kyle let go of her arm. Digging in his jeans pocket, he rummaged around for a loose cigarette.

“Shit! Where did I put that lighter?”

Gabrielle scoffed and quickly walked up the cemented pathway to her house. Kyle might have been gorgeous and one hell of a good fuck but the man obviously wasn’t all there.

Kyle stood up and shook his blue jean jacket. The neon green lighter fell out and clattered against the pavement. Coolly, he picked it up and quickly put a flame to the unlit cigarette. Walking strongly and confidently, he stopped Elle before she could even put her keys in the door.

“I brought you back, love…”, he paused to blow out the bitter smoke, which billowed from his mouth and into Elle’s eyes.

“This is ridiculous. Good Night.” Elle gave her best attempt to push past him but his strong, muscular frame made it almost impossible. He laughed as she growled in irritation.

“Ever the feisty one, aren’t you? I brought you back so you could get your shit. You’re coming with me.”

Elle was tired and couldn’t deal with Kyle anymore. Hot, passionate sex was great but not at this expense. He had probably already cost Elle her job at the bed and breakfast because of what they had done and in front of her boss, at that.

“Alright, Kyle. I’m coming with you. I’m going in, I’ll get my things and then come back out and we’ll go. Alright?”

He frowned disapprovingly at her, shaking his head.

“What kind of a dumb-ass do you think I am? You’ll go in there, lock the door and I’ll have to break one of your cute little windows. We could just bypass all that, if you let me in.”

Elle sighed and nodded wearily. “Fine. You are some kind of fucked up, do you know that?”

Kyle grabbed her face. Looking into those big brown eyes, he whispered quietly in her ear.

“Just for you, slut. Only for you. Now, open the door - it’s starting to get cold.”

**********

“Aw, this is straight out of ‘Good Housekeeping’ or whatever the fuck it‘s called!”

Kyle reveled at the tidy yet inviting little atmosphere that was Elle’s home. Designer furniture took up most of the space in her modest sized living room and several photos were hanging on the walls above.

Elle was in her bedroom, changing out of her clothes which were still coated in Kyle’s seed. She had subtly locked the door, and planned on taking a quick shower. She didn’t care what Kyle said; there was no way she was going to leave with him. Her soft, comfortable bed was calling her name.

“Yeah. Don’t touch anything!”

Kyle smirked. As his eyes darted around her living room, he zeroed in on a particularly ugly floral vase. One of his large hands expertly swung towards it, and a loud crashing noise followed.

“Heh. Sorry!”

Elle shook her head as she turned the faucet’s knob, starting the shower. She tinkered with them, finally stopping when the water’s temperature was just right. Her tan, naked body was aching to be covered in the soothing warm water.

Kyle glanced at the clock. It was too late to go back out on the road, and he knew it. He changed his plans; he’d spend the night with her, have her pack up, then head out.

“New plan, girl!”

Kyle turned the knob to her bedroom door. Her locked bedroom door.

“Fucking slut.” He hoisted his body weight directly into the flimsy door and forced it open with ease. He looked around at Elle’s room. The light was off, but he could see from the sliver of light coming from the room adjacent to it. It was sickeningly sweet and so adorable it made him queasy. A motif of purple and pink covered the whole room, including her bedspread.

He grinned lopsidedly. This girl was purely innocent at first glance, from head to toe. He knew better, though.

 

[Anna_Malia75]

I like your prose in general, but I have to say you lost me between paragraphs four and five. You start off in third person describing the world from Elle's point of view. The description of Kyle clearly follows that same mode: "Maybe six foot three? Elle couldn't tell."

So when you started the next paragraph, I thought we were still with Elle. I was astonished to find her describe him as a babe magnet - there was anything in the previous paragraph that made him sound the least bit attractive. Then in the sixth paragraph Elle all of a sudden became the doll at the bar, and a couple paragraphs later, it seemed that she didn't find him all that attractive either.

I think it's possible to write this way, but I think you have to be a lot clearer about how you use the narrator's voice. If you're going to switch back and forth - Elle to Kyle and back to Elle - I would try to signal that we're now looking at the world through a different set of eyes.

I would also recommend a proofreader. For example, '"Look what you did, asshole!", she spat at him.' doesn't need both an exclamation point and a comma. There are a few other dialogue tags where you had similar problems (capital letters, dialogue in the middle of paragraphs).

Welcome to Lit!

 

[RaLaWrites]

My boyfriend (who's also a writer) kept telling me about switching from one POV to another. It's a bad habit of mine.

Thanks for the feedback, Anna.

I think it's possible to write this way, but I think you have to be a lot clearer about how you use the narrator's voice. If you're going to switch back and forth - Elle to Kyle and back to Elle - I would try to signal that we're now looking at the world through a different set of eyes.

Does anyone have any tips on how I could transition from one point of view to another?

 

[evanslily]

You've been dying to use the word 'discombobulated' haven't you? Damn you for making me reach for my dictionary.

To be honest, I think I'd use a more common word, for all that one does the trick. I understand you wanting to use it, but sometimes a simpler word is better. At that point we're in Kyle's point of view, and I'm not sure that's the word he'd use. Or maybe he would? But I need to believe that he would, and the rest of his dialogue/thought processes don't lead me to that conclusion. If you told me somewhere that he was an expert in solving crossword puzzles, I might believe you--that sort of thing

I like your style a lot. And you have an excellent ear for dialogue too--I can 'hear' exactly how you're intending it to sound. But I'll admit to getting a little bit confused with the names Elle and Gabrielle being interchangeable. By all means have Kyle and her friends call her Elle (but then call her Gabrielle in the narrative)--that'll work. I'm guessing that you're trying to find a way of avoiding the sentences sounding samey by having "She did this..." for one, "Elle thought that..." for two and "Gabrielle decided..." for three. That's cheating, LOL!

I don't think you need the ellipse in this line:

“I brought you back, love…”, he paused to blow out the bitter smoke, which billowed from his mouth and into Elle’s eyes.

.

I think I'd write

“I brought you back, love.” He paused to blow out the bitter smoke, which billowed from his mouth and into Elle’s eyes.

because it doesn't really need an ellipse--he doesn't say anything else afterwards, even though by using the word 'paused' you've indicated that he might. So maybe the word 'paused' needs changing too, come to think of it...

But I'm nit-picking--cos on the whole, this is pretty good. I agree with Anna that you might benefit from using an editor just to catch odd bits of punctuation, etc. It's so easy to miss them yourself (I know I do!)

Keep up the good work

 

[CWatson]

The thing about your prose is that, in its own way, it is very formal--and, to a certain extent, clumsy. That's probably just part of being a relatively new author and/or having been bludgeoned with the whims of formal language by the school system. It's not easy to learn to have control over your prose. But it's worth doing.

You love adjectives and especially adverbs, most of which you generally don't need. An adjective is a modifier that adds detail to a noun: in the sentence, "I have a small penis", the word "small" is the adjective. In the sentence, "I have a very small penis", the word "very" is an adverb: it's modifying an adjective. Adverbs can also be used to modify verbs ("He clumsily stroked his very small penis."). Adverbs are the opposite of good writing; Stephen King (rightly) equated them to weeds choking a garden. Avoid them if you can. One of the smartest things you can do during an editing pass is run a Find for the syllable "-ly" and delete as many words containing it as you can.

(Fine print: CWatson would also like to take this moment to state that he is not admitting or suggesting anything about himself and/or his endowment whatsoever. )

Here's one of your paragraphs, which we can dissect in-depth if you like:

The thunderous sound of an engine made all conversations stop abruptly. The booming noise quickly turned into mild vibrations, then came to a screeching halt. Sure, tons of bikers stopped through, but Elle had never heard what she presumed to be a motorcycle that noisy. All eyes, hers included, were glued to the raggedy door conveniently labeled "Entrance/Exit."

You're trying to put a lot of description in, which is excellent, but the description itself is, well, clumsy, because you're using a lot of adjectives and (especially) adverbs, but no interesting verbs. "The thunderous sound"? How 'bout just "The thunder"? "Made all conversation stop abruptly" is also awkward--you could say "killed the conversation" or "blanketed the conversation with sound". "Were glued" is passive voice, not so good; and that whole sentence describing Kyle's bike idling out... Umm, well. Anyway.

The thunder of a motorcycle swallowed the conversation with its roar. As patrons jerked their heads towards the door or yelled (without success) over the din, it puttered into idle and then stopped with a rattle. Sure, tons of bikers stopped through, but Elle had never heard (what she presumed to be) a motorcycle that noisy. (Was the owner compensating for something?--perhaps a very small penis?) The thoughts of her fellow barmates must have run the same way, for even as she turned to the raggedy door and its tilted green "EXIT" sign, she saw the other patrons doing the same.

Let me assure you, in closing, that your writing is NOT WRONG. The story is completely serviceable and, as I can see from the comments left it so far, people like it just the way it is. But it could be more right. Think about replacing some of your adjectives and adverbs with interesting verbs. I think that'll help a lot.

 

[RaLaWrites]

You've been dying to use the word 'discombobulated' haven't you? Damn you for making me reach for my dictionary.

I'm totally guilty of wanting to use big, whimsical words. So yes.

I like your style a lot. And you have an excellent ear for dialogue too--I can 'hear' exactly how you're intending it to sound. But I'll admit to getting a little bit confused with the names Elle and Gabrielle being interchangeable. By all means have Kyle and her friends call her Elle (but then call her Gabrielle in the narrative)--that'll work. I'm guessing that you're trying to find a way of avoiding the sentences sounding samey by having "She did this..." for one, "Elle thought that..." for two and "Gabrielle decided..." for three. That's cheating, LOL!

Is there an in depth article or guide somewhere about different POV's so I can know for sure NOT to go from one to the other? When I read Lit's guide, it said 3rd person was the best POV for beginners but it's kind of hard for me to stay in that one POV.

The thing about your prose is that, in its own way, it is very formal--and, to a certain extent, clumsy. That's probably just part of being a relatively new author and/or having been bludgeoned with the whims of formal language by the school system. It's not easy to learn to have control over your prose. But it's worth doing.

That's very true.

And yes, I am an adjective junkie. Guilty as charged! I'll definitely take everything that has been said to me into consideration. I appreciate all of the help!

So far my checklist is:

* No big paragraphs

*Don't overdo it on the ellipses

*Pay attention to verbs

* Find an editor

 

[CWatson]

Well, there's no shame in wanting to use australopithical words--nor, for that matter, in using them. Just make sure they're being used well, and not just for the heck of it. Only story serves the story.

Is there an in depth article or guide somewhere about different POV's so I can know for sure NOT to go from one to the other? When I read Lit's guide, it said 3rd person was the best POV for beginners but it's kind of hard for me to stay in that one POV.

Hmm. I'm sure there is, but there's only three main perspectives that stories are written from.

1) First-Person Perspective. "Hi, my name is Luka, I'm in a song that CWatson has never heard so he can't reproduce the lyrics, but who cares, this story is about me, that's why I'm narrating from this first-person viewpoint. The story is told as though I'm thinking it, or even as though I'm writing it or saying it aloud to you at some later date. Because it's first-person, I'm allowed to referred to 'you,' the reader, which is something of a no-no in most other perspectives. While this can be a powerful viewpoint, it can also be very hard to write well, because I (the narrator) need to have a convincing and engaging tone and style; I need to be a character as a member of the story as well as a character as a conversational partner, with my personality and quirks and whimsy right there on the page for you to see. That's why it's recommended that people don't try it straight off the bat. A boring 1st-person narrator can singlehandedly kill a story, just as an excellent 1st-person narrator can singlehandedly save it. I mean, seriously: isn't my lecture boring you?"

2) Third-Person Limited. Once upon a time there was a story about a boy named Harry Potter. For the vast majority of its million-plus words, the story focused exclusively on Harry: we never, ever saw through another character's eyes--that is, unless he was seeing through that character's eyes (such as when using the Pensieve to view other characters' memories). This actually led to some hiccups in the storytelling, as when Ginny Weasley was suddenly presented as the perfect girl for Harry, despite having had almost no visible evolution--sure, she changed, but because we were (hint hint) limited to Harry's eyes, we never saw it because he never saw it. Having said that, the strength of 3rd-Person Limited is that it allows the reader to simultaneously see through Harry's eyes and outside him. We can focus on the things he's doing subconsciously or isn't aware of, just as we can see into his mind and hear his thoughts. But we can't look to anyone else besides him; the camera is stuck to him like glue.

3) Third-Person Omniscient. In this viewpoint the camera remains in third person--no 1st-person "I said, he said, she said" narration--but the camera can jump from character to character at will. Instead of being limited to a single person's head, it can move back and forth between multiple characters. As RaLaWrites read this message, she thought, "What's the problem with this?" But CWatson shook his head and thought, "Yeah, but, doesn't she realize how jarring it can be to suddenly be yanked into someone else's head? It's so hard to do this viewpoint effectively, precisely because of all the jumping. First we're finding out what Elle's thinking, and then suddenly we're in Kyle's head. It's a mindfuck of epic proportions" RaLaWrites frowned to herself: "No, I can't call him a moron or an asshat, that's just not polite." Into the computer she typed, Begging your pardon, Mr. Watson, but your opinion is by far the most fragrant bullshit I have ever had the honor of being presented with. "There," she thought, "that's more subtle."

So, in your case, it's not a matter of staying in the same perspective, it's a matter of staying in one character's head--or, at least, transferring gracefully from one character to another. Because of the rapid editing in modern movies and television, The Reader is more receptive to sudden shifts in scene and perspective than s/he was 20 or 40 years ago--but you still have to walk The Reader through the switches, at least the first few times, so that s/he knows this is a story that's going to be switching rapidly, and (furthermore) so that s/he knows what to look for when you pull the switch. The Reader will swallow just about anything, as long as you ease it in on them.

Hope this helps some!


(PS. If you're really feeling adventurous, you can write from 2nd-Person, which is where you dictate the reader's actions through the narration. "You frowned and dashed your drink across Matt's astonished face. 'Pig! I would never do such a thing on the first date!' But the flush in your cheeks belied your statement--as did the slippery tingles between your legs." The problem is that putting words in the reader's mouth is risky. What if she would do such a thing on the first date? What if actually she honestly wouldn't? What if she would never waste a martini like that?--what if she'd prefer a slap? What if she is actually a he?--most producers and consumers of written erotica are men. You can see why 2nd-person is not used much.)

 

[Anna_Malia75]

Does anyone have any tips on how I could transition from one point of view to another?

I'll give it a shot although both of my stories are written in first person, so I may not be the best one, lol.

Anyway, here's your fifth paragraph:

When he was done sizing up the bar, his face sneered in disgust. "Fucking dump", he said loudly. He lumbered towards the bar, then snapped his stubby fingers. "Beer." He looked around at the plethora of women who, not surprisingly, were ogling him with adoration. It was so easy for him to get pussy. He could probably sneeze and there would be a few sluts all over him. By no means was he a nobleman or modest: he had a face that most would kill for and a toned body to match. And women? He came, they went. It was the straightforward approach to getting what he wanted. Screw relationships. Who needed that? He just wanted to bust a nut or two, and any hot little bitch that he ran across would suffice.

Maybe if you put more of his emotion in it and less objective observation. For example, the remark about the plethora of women who, "not surprisingly, were ogling him with adoration" is narcissistic even for a narcissist. It sounds like it's being written from Elle's point of view. I might rewrite the paragraph like this:

He stood in the doorway, sizing up the room.

"Fucking dump," he muttered [muttering it makes it more personal, less likely that someone else will be overhearing him] as he lumbered toward the bar.

"Beer," he said with a snap of his stubby fingers.

He smiled as he noticed the way he had already attracted the attention of the women. [see how this puts you into his mind, and makes clear we're not seeing him the way Elle does now, but the way he sees himself]. It was just too easy for him to get pussy. He could probably sneeze and there would be a few sluts all over him. He had a face that most would kill for and a toned body to match. And women? He came, they went. It was the straightforward approach to getting what he wanted. Screw relationships. Who needed that? He just wanted to bust a nut or two, and any hot little bitch that he ran across would suffice.​

This might not be what you meant at all, but it gives you an idea how you might be able to get off Elle and into Kyle. Hope it helps.

 

[RaLaWrites]

So, in your case, it's not a matter of staying in the same perspective, it's a matter of staying in one character's head--or, at least, transferring gracefully from one character to another. Because of the rapid editing in modern movies and television, The Reader is more receptive to sudden shifts in scene and perspective than s/he was 20 or 40 years ago--but you still have to walk The Reader through the switches, at least the first few times, so that s/he knows this is a story that's going to be switching rapidly, and (furthermore) so that s/he knows what to look for when you pull the switch. The Reader will swallow just about anything, as long as you ease it in on them.

I'm starting to get the idea. So, something that the reader will be able to indentify to realize the focus is going from Elle's point of view to Kyle's. Perhaps, whenever they lock eyes? Whenever they touch? Here's an example:

Kyle glanced back and forth between two cereal boxes. He couldn't decide on which kind he wanted for breakfast.

"Hey Elle, which one should I pick?", he asked as he looked into her eyes.

What would be the BEST way to transition from Kyle to Elle?

He smiled as he noticed the way he had already attracted the attention of the women. [see how this puts you into his mind, and makes clear we're not seeing him the way Elle does now, but the way he sees himself].

Ahhh. I do understand. If I'm focusing on one character, I have to -think- as they would think, see things in the way -they- would see them, and not how others around them see them (when the focus is on them, at least.)

I truly appreciate all of the tips. I hope you all don't mind that I'm writing some of this down to save for my own notes; I'm going to need them from time to time!

 

[Anna_Malia75]

Kyle glanced back and forth between two cereal boxes. He couldn't decide on which kind he wanted for breakfast.

"Hey Elle, which one should I pick?", he asked as he looked into her eyes.

What would be the BEST way to transition from Kyle to Elle?

first of all, NO NO NO NO NO comma after "should I pick?". LOL. I said that before and you didn't write it down.

All the dialogue punctuation goes inside the quotations marks. If you have a dialogue tag (asked, said, answered, responded), you can use commas, question marks, exclamation marks, ellipses, and dashes. Nothing goes outside. If you don't use tags, you can put in periods.

Anyway, in answer to your question . . .

Elle studied the two boxes of cereal carefully before answering.

"I think you look like you're in a Rice Krispies frame of mind," she said. There was just something about him that screamed "snap, crackle, pop."

now you're back into Elle's head, right?

 

[CWatson]

Elle studied the two boxes of cereal carefully before answering.

"I think you look like you're in a Rice Krispies frame of mind," she said. There was just something about him that screamed "snap, crackle, pop."

now you're back into Elle's head, right?

Precisely. Alternately, throw in a "thought bubble" from Elle:

Elle studied the two boxes of cereal before answering. Well, Lucky Charms seem a little too childish for him. "I think you look like you're in a Rice Krispies frame of mind."

Basically, the best way to alert The Reader that you've switched POV to another character is to present information that only that character would know. IE:

"You don't look as turned-on as you're supposed to be," Kyle said.

"That's because you're an ugly sonofabitch," said Elle, glad the slippery tingling in her pussy wasn't showing on her face. The erect nipples seemed obvious to her, though; how had he missed them?

Or:

"Where's your family," Elle asked.

"Down south," said Kyle in a casual voice. It wasn't actually a lie, he reflected: six feet under counted as 'south' in his book.

Hope that helps.

 

[cloudy]

Another way to switch back and forth between viewpoints is to save the "switch" for a change in scene.

For instance: let's say you wrote the first scene from Elle's POV. At the end of that first scene, you can put some sort of scene divider, like: ***** and then you can write the second scene from Kyle's POV.

It's still really difficult for a novice to go back and forth between characters and really pull it off well. I won't try it at all simply because it is so hard to do well, and I've been writing fiction off and on for thirty-four years.

It might be better to get in some practice writing inside the head of just one character, and get that down right first.

Just a suggestion.

 

[RaLaWrites]

first of all, NO NO NO NO NO comma after "should I pick?". LOL. I said that before and you didn't write it down.

You're right! Bad habit I have. *Scolds self*

Another way to switch back and forth between viewpoints is to save the "switch" for a change in scene.

For instance: let's say you wrote the first scene from Elle's POV. At the end of that first scene, you can put some sort of scene divider, like: ***** and then you can write the second scene from Kyle's POV.

It might be better to get in some practice writing inside the head of just one character, and get that down right first.

I was thinking of doing that a while ago. I was going to alternate chapters between Elle and Kyle's POV, and maybe do the scene switching for the final chapter.

Thanks to all of you. I'm glad I reached out for tips and advice, it's been very helpful!

 

[caprine]

I joined the site last month but I'm no stranger to writing. I'm just a stranger to writing better than average stories and erotic stories as well.

The link to both of my stories is below. I'd adore constructive critism/feedback of any kind.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=994400&page=submissions

Thanks!

I forgot to mention that I can give you the URL for a site for author's to critique each other (erotic themes). Several regulars on that site will give you an in-depth and I mean, in-depth, critique of your work. I learned a lot on that site as a virgin author.

 

[Scott_Harper]

Hello and welcome to Literotica. I just checked out your stories and liked what I read. Keep up the good work!

I joined the site last month but I'm no stranger to writing. I'm just a stranger to writing better than average stories and erotic stories as well.

The link to both of my stories is below. I'd adore constructive critism/feedback of any kind.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=994400&page=submissions

Thanks!

 

[RaLaWrites]

I forgot to mention that I can give you the URL for a site for author's to critique each other (erotic themes). Several regulars on that site will give you an in-depth and I mean, in-depth, critique of your work. I learned a lot on that site as a virgin author.

That would be great! I'm afraid I haven't been around to post or write (it's my first year of college) but when things settle down I can't wait to continue.

And thank you, Scott!

 

[queenlou]

Hi!
I was just browsing around this forum for the first time, clicked on your story link and was compelled to reply to tell you: Wow! Very well written!
I am by no means anywhere near a professional author, and my English is a little rusty, but I was impressed by the flow and the dialogue of your stories. As others have already pointed out, I found the paragraphs rather lengthy (I'm guilty of this too ), but in the third installment you posted here that problem had gone, and the story was better because of it.
One other thing: I'm a big fan of vivid, good descriptions, and you do them very well. But I sometimes got the feeling that you're "afraid" of using normal words. In your first story, fr'example, you write that:

"Her slender finger scanned around the room to emphasize her point."

The word "scanned" sounds, to me at least, a bit wrong, like it doesn't quite fit in, but that you wanted a more exiting word than "moved" or "pointed".

These are all very minor nitpicks though, and I found the stories (like most of your readers, apparently) excellent. Keep it up!!

 

[RaLaWrites]

Hi!
I was just browsing around this forum for the first time, clicked on your story link and was compelled to reply to tell you: Wow! Very well written!
I am by no means anywhere near a professional author, and my English is a little rusty, but I was impressed by the flow and the dialogue of your stories. As others have already pointed out, I found the paragraphs rather lengthy (I'm guilty of this too ), but in the third installment you posted here that problem had gone, and the story was better because of it.
One other thing: I'm a big fan of vivid, good descriptions, and you do them very well. But I sometimes got the feeling that you're "afraid" of using normal words. In your first story, fr'example, you write that:

"Her slender finger scanned around the room to emphasize her point."

The word "scanned" sounds, to me at least, a bit wrong, like it doesn't quite fit in, but that you wanted a more exiting word than "moved" or "pointed".

These are all very minor nitpicks though, and I found the stories (like most of your readers, apparently) excellent. Keep it up!!

Thank you! And you're right. As I learn and pick up tips from fellow authors, I come to find out that less is more. In fact, I was reading a novel and the words used were rather simplistic.

I took the time last night to re-work the first part of the third installment and I'd like to post it.