new interracial story

[tw_holt]

here: http://www.literotica.com/s/self-fulfilling-fantasy

feel free to leave feedback in the comments section. too disturbing? set up nicely for a sequel? etc etc

 

[stlgoddessfreya]

You tackled an ambitious stack of concepts for your first story. The actions and emotions were clear, and you've got a good foundation for future writing. I rolled my eyes a little when I saw this was an Interracial story because the emphasis on "black big black black cock attached I guess to a black man" that's typical for the category isn't my thing, but I think you did a good job of not making it as much about that as about the two characters connecting. Unfortunately, if I liked that aspect, it probably means you weren't hitting the right buttons for most readers interested in Interracial and your ratings may reflect that.

Overall, it seems like you've got an interesting story in here, but your different plot strands didn't pull together right and some got cut out before they could be explored. You spent most of the story on Michelle working up to being with Ulysses for a single week, so the end felt like a rush-job by comparison because far more happened, plot-wise, in that single Lit page than in the three before it.

Your title is not one I'd choose. I understand the idea, that the husband is so obsessed with his interracial cuckold fantasy that he pushes his wife away into the arms of the same man he fears she'll leave him to pursue, but it then takes almost three entire Lit pages to get to what you already told us was going to happen in the title.

I liked your opening with the husband's fantasies so the reader has a better idea of what's going on than the protagonist does. It sets the tone for his actions, which would otherwise be inscrutable. I thought this section was the best writing of your story. Unfortunately, this is one of the big plot strands that just seemed to drop. It was picked up later when Michelle talks to her friend about discovering his cuckold fetish from his browser history, but nobody mentions him in the story again until she calls to break up with him and he kills himself. I don't think you laid any foundation for that to be the outcome - he's getting exactly what turned him on, his wife actually being with Ulysses. So he...kills himself? It seemed like you were laying the foundation for a completely different kind of development for that plot strand, one where they stay together and both of them get what they want out of a cuckolding relationship. I think there's also a lot of telling us Michelle still loves her husband, but their relationship is really weird and strained throughout the whole story without showing us any of what their relationship used to be like to explain why she's trying to keep it at all. There's no real conflict when she gets together with Ulysses, because she's not leaving anything of value.

Ulysses, the perfect man. Hot, kind, gentlemanly, pining away silently for his love, Michelle - until he gets a little bit of encouragement from her, and then there's no mention of the fact that she's married, and he probably shouldn't fuck her. Michelle has such an amazing connection with him and has wanted to be with him for a long time, but as soon as she comes home to her husband's body, she doesn't even call him. She literally goes from telling him to move to be with her and thinking they're each other's "destiny" to, 3-4 paragraphs later, letting him find out from the modelling agency that her husband died. I'm not saying this isn't a believable plot point, it just seems very abrupt considering the length of the story you spent getting them together.

Christine, the horny bisexual friend, was another plot strand you spent a lot of time on that you seemed to drop before it went where you were setting it up to go. I liked using her going out with Ulysses to show, indirectly, that he was probably interested in Michelle and a stand-up guy for not sleeping with her friend, I guess. The interactions between her and Michelle were a little ridiculous, though. Your friend tells you she's attracted to you, you tell her "thanks but no thanks" then go over to shower together at her place, cuddle naked in the bed, get naked massages and nothing happens? Recast that role in your mind as Christopher instead of Christine. Do Michelle's actions make sense? I like a good, long tease as much as the next reader, but Christine drops out of the story after page 2.

You barely mentioned Michelle's son until the last page, other than to set up possible incest for the sequel. I'm actually a fan of Incest/Taboo, and I didn't find that hot because I have no idea who her son is.

Some parts of your story seemed very thought-out and some seemed to be unfinished. I there are several interesting directions the story could have gone, but it seems like you rushed the end and dropped them.

 

[tw_holt]

thanks

Hmm...valid points.
I guess to explain a few things.

1. son wasn't mentioned much mainly because he's under 18. I didn't want to take any chances. The story was rejected initially because it was skimmed over. I'm guessing near the end of the story the number 17 and the word "embrace" was seen, so the lit admins rejected it, not fully reading the context. Anyway, he leaves his summer camp early because of the suicide. Gives mom a hug etc.

2. Christine. Yes, makes perfect sense. I guess the teasing aspect got the best of me.

3. Michelle doesn't call Ulysses right as it happens, I'm guessing, because she's so distraught AND calls 911 and then her employer first. They send out a company-wide email to everyone letting people know, to send condolences etc etc. Maybe her mind wasn't thinking clearly, maybe she didn't want to drag Ulysses into it.

4. I tried to write her husband as a seriously disturbed person. Imagine someone whipping themselves because they had an impure thought. I think that was in a movie. Guy was slinging a whip behind his back, lashing himself with it. Anyway, bill has zero self esteem, hates himself, jacks off to his wife and another guy, hates himself even more, and the end result is his suicide. I guess that's what I was going for.